Hours
by Surreptitious Chi X
Summary: Kankuro/Gaara. After the War Arc is over, things settle down. Except that Kankuro feels overworked and under appreciated. He tries to ignore these feelings, but Gaara notices. Gaara thinks they should do something about it.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This takes place after the end of the War Arc, which I know is not completed yet. This story assumes a happy ending to all of that. Also, this story is about **Kankuro x Gaara**.

**Hours**

Chapter 1

* * *

><p>For hours, Kankuro worked on his new puppet design. He was excited in a way he hadn't been in months. Yes, he knew that time was passing quickly and that he'd probably surpassed dinnertime, but he didn't worry. Gaara and Temari could feed themselves. They might not cook like him, but they were shinobi. Burnt food was hardly fatal.<p>

When he was in his workshop, his siblings hardly interrupted him. For once, he might see the better part of a day by himself, working on something that purely excited him.

The door opening at the same time that he sensed his brother's chakra interrupted his train of thought and filled him with a terrible disappointment.

Gaara peeked into the workshop, saw Kankuro at the bench, and walked up behind his brother. "Is everything okay?"

Kankuro's hand tightened on his wood-shaping tool. "Yeah. Fine." He turned around on his seat. "What's up?"

Gaara stared at him a moment before answering. "I was wondering why the kitchen was cold and the lights are off."

Kankuro huffed with exasperation. "You came home and the kitchen was dark, so you sat around in the dark and then waited until dinner time came."

Gaara shrugged. "What was I supposed to do?"

"If you see something you want done, _jan_, do it!" Kankuro snapped. He brushed wood shavings off his lap and stood up.

"I just got home," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro sighed, his anger draining, and ran a hand through his hair. "You mean you worked extra long today, and when you came home, you expected someone to be here and for dinner to be on the table, because you're hungry."

Gaara nodded.

"Where's Temari?" Kankuro asked. "At the very least, if you don't wanna do the cooking, then she should be able to."

Gaara turned away. "I don't know where she is."

Kankuro felt like crushing rocks into sand with his bare hands. He brushed past his brother. Gaara followed him upstairs. He stopped in the middle of the hallway and yelled. "Hey!"

Temari instantly opened the door of her bedroom. "What?" she yelled back. "I'm writing a letter!"

"To who?" Kankuro asked.

"None of your damn business!"

Kankuro folded his arms. "Dinner's not ready."

Temari pulled back inside her room. "What time is it? Hey. It's almost half an hour past dinnertime. What gives? You get busy or something? With what?"

"With my own stuff," Kankuro said.

Temari's voice came loud and clear from within her room. "Screw that."

Kankuro knew he couldn't have expected any other answer. He knew that they gave each other a hard time on a regular basis. He knew their mode of communication was two thirds bluff. Disclaimer established, his reaction was pure, knee jerk outrage on a level he could not express with words. He suddenly wondered if this was how Gaara used to feel.

Temari walked back to the door and stared out at him, reacting to his dead silence. She stared at him. "I was just giving you a hard time."

Kankuro turned away, found himself facing Gaara, and avoided eye contact. "I know."

Temari came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. What's the matter?"

"You both asked me that," Kankuro said dryly.

"We both wonder," Gaara said.

Kankuro looked from one to the other, feeling ganged up on. He was definitely trapped. Honesty? That was out. "Nothing, _jan_. Just had a hard day."

"Oh?" Temari asked. "What happened? Something I need to know about?" She cracked her knuckles. "Someone I need to kill?"

"No. Nothing like that." He sighed. "I just…don't wanna have to cook dinner."

Temari shrugged. "Suits me. Let's get takeout."

Kankuro stared at her. "Why don't you just cook for a change?"

She made a face. "I don't want to have to eat burnt food for dinner. I've had a long day. You said you did, too. Why don't we just get takeout? Seriously. It's not that big a deal."

Kankuro wasn't sure what to say. _You would rather spend money than admit you have some responsibilities around here? You're just going to pay your way out of trouble? _"I don't want takeout."

"What, then?" Temari snapped. "You have to have it one way or the other. You cook, or you order takeout. I'm busy." She went back into her room and slammed the door.

Kankuro brushed past Gaara, walked downstairs, and readied the kitchen with a singular loathing for the workspace. Because that's what it was. Another workspace. Another place where he was required to set aside his feelings and work for someone else's benefit, for rewards he would most likely never see.

Gaara sat down at the kitchen table and watched him. Watched him for a solid hour. Just staring.

He knew it was just Gaara's way, but it got on his nerves. He felt judged.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Kankuro almost jumped out of his skin. "No." He paused and considered his response. It would be really nice if Gaara took the wok and cooked the meat for once. But then he'd have to endure teaching Gaara exactly what he wanted, and probably stand through noncommittal responses in exchange for burnt meat. "Nah, _jan_. You can settle down. Dinner will be ready soon."

As Kankuro set plates up for food, Temari came down the stairs, grinning. "Smells good."

Kankuro kept his back turned and tried to dish up without slopping stuff around in frustration. "Thanks."

They ate dinner. Temari talked extensively about current events, filling him with unhappy news he didn't want to know. Gaara stared at him the whole time. He'd never felt less connected to his family. He kept his head down and drowned them out by eating his crunchiest vegetables first, hoping they would just get bored with him and go away.

And part of him wondered what the problem was. He loved his family. He did. There were no two people he loved more in the world. They were everything to him. Normally, he loved dinnertime. He loved sitting down with his two favorite people, loved the act of feeding them and making sure that they'd had at least one good meal that day. He knew he was an incomparable cook. He'd worked hard on his cooking skills, so that he could be there for them at the end of the day.

Kankuro couldn't understand why he wanted to cry with frustration.

When they finished eating, Kankuro went to the sink to wash up the cutting board and the bowls he used for the stir-fry ingredients.

Temari jumped up from the table. "Well, thanks for dinner. I think we would've been fine eating takeout, but, whatever."

Kankuro nodded at the dishes on the table. "Gonna get those for me?"

Temari turned and looked. "Sure." She backtracked and collected the dishes, walked over, and dumped the armload into the sink. "There you go." She walked away and waved. "See you. I'm going back to my letter."

An inexplicable surge of anger and betrayal shook Kankuro. He stared at the dishes, coated with teriyaki sauce and bits of vegetables and noodles. All that came out was a mumble. "I cook the dinner and then I wash the dishes, too?"

"You made them dirty," Temari retorted cheerfully. "You didn't have to cook. You wanted to. I offered takeout."

Kankuro turned on his heel and glared at her. "Yeah, and you ate what I made for you. You gonna stick around and help me make the dishes clean again?"

Temari's grin faded. She gave him a one-sided shrug. "I don't know. Do you want me to?"

"Don't ask a question to answer one," Kankuro said. He heaved an exasperated sigh. "You gonna help or not?"

She paused, sized him up, and narrowed her eyes at him. "I don't think I should have to."

Kankuro found himself smiling with disbelief at her attitude. "Why?"

"I have an important mission in the morning. I leave at sunrise." Temari jerked a thumb at Gaara. "Just ask him. He's the Kazekage." She gestured. "Talk about it amongst yourselves."

Gaara stared at Kankuro blankly.

Temari slipped off.

Kankuro took a deep breath, focusing on Gaara. "How come –"

Gaara started at the same time, raising his hands. "I didn't –"

They stopped and looked at each other.

Kankuro exhaled and gestured for his brother to go first.

"I didn't know that it would inconvenience you," Gaara said.

"How could I not be inconvenienced?" Kankuro asked. "She just got back yesterday."

"She asked to be assigned again." Gaara gave him a helpless look.

Kankuro found himself unable to stay angry at his brother. He turned away and ran a hand through his hair, faced with the repugnant duty of washing the dishes. "I guess you've got to take whoever volunteers, _jan_." He picked up a bowl and scrubbed at it. "Where's she going?"

"Konoha," Gaara said.

Kankuro ground to a halt. "Konoha."

"Yes," Gaara said quietly. He got up from the table, walked across the kitchen, and put his hand on Kankuro's shoulder. "I didn't do this to hurt you. I merely didn't see the point of denying our sister what she wants. She wants to go to Konoha to visit Shikamaru again. The letter she is writing is for Shikamaru. She won't be able to spend as much time with him as she wants, so she is writing down all of the things she wanted to say to him in order to save time."

Kankuro sighed. "I guess I really will be doing the dishes by myself again."

"You don't have to," Gaara said. He looked into Kankuro's eyes. "I could help."

Kankuro wavered. "Nah, it's alright, man."

"Why?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro looked away. "I said it's alright. Now go get some sleep. You've got to be up in the morning too, remember? You need lots of sleep."

"Temari's excuse is bullshit." Gaara stared him down. "I don't need sleep so much that I can't help you with the dishes." He gently pushed Kankuro over. "It will go faster with two people."

"And we can talk?" Kankuro asked dryly.

Gaara nodded.

For the first few minutes, though, all they did was wash and dry dishes. Kankuro experienced the novel sensation of drying dishes and putting them away instead of being the one with wet, soapy hands the whole time.

Gaara abruptly started. "You didn't want me to be at dinner."

"No," Kankuro protested. He knew about Gaara's insecurities. _I should've made more of an effort._

Gaara frowned. "You weren't happy to see me."

"I was…I was…" Kankuro took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. "I was just annoyed, _jan_."

"About what?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro looked away. "About Temari."

Gaara thought about that. In the meantime, he washed three small bowls, a pair of chopsticks, and a measuring cup. Kankuro dried them and put them away mechanically, waiting and wishing the conversation were over.

"Why aren't you getting along?" Gaara asked. "You used to. It made me jealous."

Kankuro stared at him. "I didn't know."

Gaara shrugged. "It's over now."

"Yeah."

Gaara's expression minutely changed, conveying pride. "Now we are a family." He finished washing the dishes, handing Kankuro the wok.

Kankuro dried the wok and hung it up above the stove in its usual spot and turned around, dishrag hanging off his arm.

Gaara held out his wet, soapy hands.

Kankuro handed him the cloth.

Gaara dried his hands, placed the dishcloth by the sink, and turned back to Kankuro. He straightened. "As Kazekage, I want us to have a strong family. I do not want there to be secrets between us, nor disputes left not settled."

"You can't mediate this, _ototo_."

"Why not?"

Kankuro sighed. "Because it's between me and Temari."

"I am part of this family, too." Gaara scowled.

"I never said you weren't." Kankuro looked at his brother uneasily. He knew Gaara's days of throwing massive tantrums capable of murdering everyone were over. Still, when he saw Gaara get angry, he couldn't help being uncomfortable.

Gaara's anger vanished in a second, replaced by vulnerability. "Let me help."

Kankuro shook his head. "You can't. Temari's angry because she thinks I don't want her to date Shikamaru, even though I said I'm fine with it. She's withdrawing, so she refuses to do anything around here except wait to leave again. That makes me angry, but she thinks I'm criticizing her!"

Gaara hugged him.

He just stood there, stunned. Then he closed his arms around Gaara.

Gaara held him for a moment that seemed like an eternity, and then released him. His brother looked stern. "You taught me that when someone you love hurts, you have to do something. So I'm going to do something."

* * *

><p>Gaara knocked on Temari's door.<p>

"I'm busy," she yelled with particular emphasis.

"Too bad," Gaara said. "Let me in."

"Oh, shit! I thought you were Kankuro." Temari opened the door. "Sorry, Gaara." She seemed a little breathless. "What can I do for you?"

Gaara raised a hairless eyebrow. "Why are you avoiding Kankuro?"

Her expression changed from remorseful to furious in an instant. "This is none of your business." She threw up her hands. "This is between me and Kankuro."

"That's what he said," Gaara said.

She scowled at him. "Then why didn't you listen? He's right."

"I can't stand by and let you pick at each other."

"As Kazekage?" Temari asked dryly.

"As your _ototo_." Gaara stared at her.

She stared back. Finally, she said, "Wow. I didn't think you'd play that card."

"Kankuro wants you to show more responsibility around the house," Gaara said quietly. "He fears you are leaving him behind."

Temari put her hands on her hips. "Because I want to eat takeout three times a week?"

"Because you won't spend time showing him you care," Gaara said.

Temari turned away. "That is ridiculous!"

"Is it?"

Temari froze before she could take her first step. She turned around, cold and angry. "Yeah. It is. If you knew me half as well as you are supposed to, you would know I do care. A lot."

She ran off, leaving Gaara stunned.

* * *

><p>Gaara found Kankuro in the puppet workshop.<p>

"How'd it go sticking up for me?" Kankuro asked. He wore a caustic smile.

"It didn't go well," Gaara admitted. "I think I was a failure."

Kankuro's mask crumbled. "Nah, _jan_. Don't beat yourself up about it." He touched Gaara's arm. "None of this is your fault. You were just trying to do the right thing by me. Sweet, really." He looked at Gaara awkwardly. "I mean that."

Gaara didn't look much cheered up. He looked at the floor. "Yeah."

Kankuro snorted. "Now she's probably going to go to Shikamaru with some trumped up story about how we were picking on her."

Gaara's head snapped up. "She wouldn't do that."

Kankuro raised an eyebrow. "No? That's what girls do, _jan_. They have trouble at home so they leak it all out to their boyfriends. Except the trouble at home is nothing more than that they don't get along as well as they used to. They turn their growing pains into some kind of drama. And the guys eat it up, too. They get their boyfriends to swear to defend them and then go and leave a guy as soon as he figures out she isn't the little princess she made herself out to be."

Gaara studied him. "You speak from experience."

Kankuro reddened. "Yeah. This girl I once knew stringed me along until I was good and mad at her folks, and then as soon as I met them I found out her mom and papa were the nicest people in the world. I felt like a jerk." He shook his head. "She was just filling me up with all her lies so she could convince me to go off with her and make a new life away from the village, just so she didn't have to speak to her father again." He sighed. "They had some stupid argument about the price of a kimono she wanted."

"She wanted to impress Father," Gaara guessed.

Kankuro snorted. "Well, she didn't. When he heard what the argument was really about, you know what he said? He was amused. He laughed at me. He said, 'You see, Kankuro, with women it is always about money'." He clenched his jaw. "Pretty funny coming from a guy who makes sure to bring his gold dust to every battle."

"He made a value judgment against her," Gaara said.

Kankuro turned away. "Yep. Pretty much."

"And he was wrong," Gaara said.

"How do you know that, _jan_? Seems pretty right to me. Every date I've ever had has bled me dry."

"He was wrong. He was wrong to judge others without ever judging himself." Gaara stared at Kankuro until his brother looked at him.

When Kankuro caught sight of his determined expression, he sighed and almost turned away again. "Look,_ jan_. The point is that I messed up. The point is that I made a mistake, and Father punished me for it. I picked a gold digger who tried to strong-arm me into eloping with her!" He shook his head. "And at thirteen years old." Kankuro stared at the floor. "I haven't really gotten any better. I'm not better at picking girls now than I was then. Father's right. I'm screwed up."

Gaara watched him with wide eyes. "This isn't about Temari, is it?"

Kankuro narrowed his eyes at Gaara. "Huh?"

"This is about you and Father," Gaara said.

"Look!" Kankuro clenched his fists. "This is about nobody respecting me and everybody making me do everything for them!"

Gaara took a step back. "Do I do that?"

"No!"

Gaara scrutinized him for several moments in silence. "Then who do you mean by 'everyone'?"

Kankuro raked a hand through his hair. "Temari. I guess." He took a deep breath. "When Father was alive, I was expected to do everything and she didn't have to do anything. All she had to do was look pretty and get praise heaped upon her head."

"Like me, now," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro winced. "No, man. You worked really hard. You deserve to get everyone's respect."

Gaara looked at the floor contemplatively. "I don't see what the difference is. You envy her for her admiration in Father's eyes. You should envy me for all the admiration I receive as Kazekage."

Kankuro shook his head. "It doesn't work like that. I don't get angry at people for getting what they deserve."

Gaara looked up at him. "Then you don't think Temari deserves what she has."

Kankuro's mouth slowly dropped open. Then he held up his hands. "No, man! No. No way. I think she deserves everything she's got. You know she's worked as hard as any of us to get where she is. We're all a team." He slowly lowered his hands and looked away. "It's about what she used to get from me that she didn't deserve." Slowly, he shook his head. "But that's old history. Irrelevant." He shrugged. "I just want her to clean the dishes once in a while. Is that so hard to understand?"

"You can't help yourself by burying the truth," Gaara said.

Kankuro glanced at him. "I can't help myself by digging it up, either. It stinks."

"She ought to understand." Gaara searched Kankuro's face.

For a moment, Kankuro thought he was going to cry. He instinctively hardened his expression. "But she doesn't, _jan_. She's not going to. She likes things the way they are."

"Which is?"

Kankuro made a disdainful noise. "Her taking advantage of me. Like always."

"You do a lot of things for her, and until Shikamaru came along and divided her attention, you did almost everything with her, but I didn't think you felt like you were being taken advantage of," Gaara said. "I never saw that. Did you really feel that way?"

Once again, Kankuro found himself unable to match Gaara's relentless eye contact. "Yeah, man. All the time. You know what she used to do to me? She used to beat me up if I didn't go along with all her schemes. Sis was never a weakling. If you thought I was a bully, you should've seen some of the stuff that she did to me." He shrugged. "I just got used to being there for her. And after Dad died, there was no one else left."

Immediately, he wanted to take it back. "At least –"

But Gaara shook his head. "I know what you mean. I wasn't in any kind of shape to help you."

Kankuro sighed. "Yeah. I felt alone." He shrugged. "I didn't wanna be alone, so I stuck pretty close to Sis' side."

"She must have felt pretty alone herself," Gaara said.

Kankuro shrugged. "I don't know."

Gaara tilted his head. "Isn't it only logical? You both lost a father."

"She used to tease me about being afraid to be left alone. She called me a baby. That doesn't sound like someone who is afraid to be alone themselves," Kankuro pointed out. "If she had been afraid, she would have been a little more sympathetic."

"I don't know," Gaara said. "Sometimes we bluster to keep from appearing afraid to others."

Kankuro scowled. "But I'm her brother."

"I know." Gaara held up his hands. "I didn't say it was right."

"Every time I screwed up, she was right there to point it out," Kankuro said. "Now she has what I haven't got: a chance for future happiness." He gestured with both hands. "It's like she wrings me dry, and she's just going to leave."

Gaara blinked. "Wait. A chance for future happiness? Leave? What are you talking about?"

Kankuro scowled. "Why do you think she's so insistent on going over to Konoha all the time? She's negotiating a marriage deal with Shikamaru's family. I know it. She's found herself a new family and she's just going to move on."

"But she can't," Gaara protested. He looked panicked. "This is just a phase. Everyone I've talked to says this is just a phase. She'll grow out of it. She'll get tired like she got tired of all the other people she's dated. She'll move on."

Kankuro snorted. "Not this one, _jan_."

"Why not?" Gaara whispered.

Kankuro raised an eyebrow. "Since when has Temari stayed up half the night writing a letter to someone she was dating?"

Gaara swallowed.

"She hates writing," Kankuro said flatly. "She's always hated writing. She's going to marry this guy."

"What do we do?" Gaara whispered.

Kankuro shrugged. "Get used to losing her? I don't know, _jan_. Figure it out. I'm going to get some sleep."

Gaara caught his sleeve. "Wait."

Kankuro flinched. "What?"

"Don't run away because you're hurt," Gaara said.

Kankuro stared at him. "Then what do I do?"

Gaara gripped his arms. "Stay."

"If I stay – " He cut himself off. Kankuro swallowed.

"What?" Gaara looked up into his eyes.

His chin trembled. "I'm gonna cry, okay? I'll cry. And no one wants to see that."

"I don't mind," Gaara said.

Kankuro shook his head in disbelief. In spite of the fear quivering in his stomach, he let a tear well up and fall.

Gaara pulled his brother into his arms. "Niisan…"

Kankuro tightened his hands on Gaara's shoulders and let it out, sobbing hysterically. "She wants to go away and leave me! After she's all I got left! I did everything for her and she's not going to stay. She's still going to go!" He clenched his teeth, but that didn't stop his meltdown. "How could she do that to me? She's so heartless!"

Gaara just patted his back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hours**

Chapter 2

* * *

><p>Kankuro was so determined to be ready for dinner this time, desperate not to be called out like he was yesterday, that he started two hours early. First he scrubbed down every surface in the kitchen, then he mopped the floor. He sat down to take a break and ended up looking at different recipes, inexplicably motivated to change things up. It was only twenty minutes before Gaara got home when he realized the time and jumped up to tackle the breakfast and lunch dishes.<p>

Gaara walked through the door, blinked, and looked around. "You're here today."

Kankuro forced a bright smile. "Yup. Where else would I be?"

"In your workshop," Gaara said.

Kankuro let out a laugh. "At dinnertime?"

In spite of the fact that the person who caused him all this pain was gone, he felt drained. He felt as though he would rather die than cook another meal. That it would be too much.

But that wasn't fair. Gaara didn't do anything wrong. Gaara still deserved a home cooked meal. Especially after a long day spent being Kazekage. If Gaara couldn't depend on him, who could his ototo depend on? Kankuro forced a smile. "Well, she's gone. It's just you and me today."

"Yes."

Kankuro dried his hands. "What do you want for dinner?"

"Don't cook dinner."

Kankuro slowly let the dishrag fall to the counter.

Gaara crossed the room and took his sleeve. "Please. Listen to me." He guided Kankuro to the kitchen table. They sat down together.

Kankuro stared at him.

Gaara met his gaze with obvious concern. "I don't think you should cook dinner anymore."

"What?"

"And probably not breakfast or lunch, either."

"Why not?" Kankuro asked. "Did my cooking make you sick?"

Gaara shook his head. "No. Niisan…I don't think you should be doing so much work anymore."

"But I like to do it," Kankuro protested.

Gaara intensified his gaze. "No. You don't. You're just saying that because you think you have to."

Kankuro shrugged uncomfortably. "And I…don't?"

"You don't get enough sleep."

"I sleep all the time!" Kankuro let out a laugh. "You could almost say I spend more time in bed than I do awake."

"When you say you're in bed, you're really in your workshop," Gaara said.

Kankuro stared at his brother. He felt as though he'd been punched in the stomach.

"I came to ask you something five nights ago," Gaara said. "You weren't there. I looked for your chakra."

"But…" Kankuro said weakly.

"You're staying up all the time because you think the only time you get to yourself is when you are supposed to be sleeping," Gaara said.

"Come on, man." Kankuro couldn't cover up his dismay. "We all have busy lives."

Gaara shook his head. "No, we don't. You didn't yesterday. You found time then to work on your puppets."

Kankuro stood up. "Yeah, and everyone yelled at me for it!"

Gaara stayed sitting. He folded his hands on the table. "Not everyone. Temari."

"Yeah, like I said." With a huff, Kankuro sat down again. He looked down at the table. "I told you I call her that."

"Yeah. You don't want to face that it's her giving you criticism, so you generalize."

Kankuro sighed. "Man, when did you get so smart?"

He was rewarded with a fraction of a smile. "I was always this way. But no one used to be able to enjoy it before. They were always afraid of me; because I was insane."

Kankuro cleared his throat. "Yeah."

Gaara put his hand on top of Kankuro's. "Well, I'm not insane anymore, and I'm here for you. If you need anything, just tell me." He looked at Kankuro pleadingly.

Kankuro looked away. "I don't want takeout," he muttered.

Gaara smiled. "Then I'll cook for you."

Kankuro opened his mouth. "But you –" He shut it again.

Gaara stood. "Just got home from a long day at work?"

Kankuro glared at him.

Gaara shrugged. "I can handle it. Just don't expect haute cuisine."

"I won't, _jan_." Kankuro smirked. "You'll be lucky if you don't burn water."

Gaara walked over to the stove. "But that's okay. Because you're my niisan and you'll eat it anyway. Because you love me."

The bluntness of Gaara's words knocked the air right out of Kankuro's lungs. He smiled awkwardly into the silence.

Gaara looked at him curiously. "Did I say something wrong?"

Kankuro shook his head. "Nah, _jan_. You did alright. And you're right." He took a deep breath and tried not to feel guilty for relaxing. "That's why Temari ate my food before I got any good at it. Because she was my neesan and she had to."

Gaara raised an eyebrow. "You were bad at cooking?"

Kankuro laughed genuinely this time. "In the beginning? Yeah, man. Everyone starts out bad at stuff. That's why you put in practice. It's not just about being a warrior."

"I could learn to be as good at cooking as you," Gaara said.

"Of course you could," Kankuro said.

"Then let me cook."

Kankuro stared at him.

"The more often you let me cook, the faster I will be as good as you are," Gaara said. "I want to learn."

"Oh…Okay, _jan_." Kankuro looked away, embarrassed. "I'll give you the chance." He glanced at Gaara in time to see his brother take down the wok and take out the rice steamer. "You really wanna learn how to cook?"

Gaara looked over his shoulder at Kankuro. "Sure. Why not?"

"I don't know." Kankuro looked away again and shrugged. "Seems kind of…girly, I guess." He backpedaled. "I mean, to most people."

"Temari doesn't have any interest in cooking," Gaara said.

Kankuro rolled his eyes. "Ain't that the truth."

"So it doesn't seem 'girly' to me at all," Gaara said. "After all, you are the one in the family who cooks, and you do it well."

To hear the praise in his brother's matter-of-fact voice made him feel good, but the attention was also a little embarrassing. "Thanks."

"If anything, cooking seems like a manly trait to me," Gaara said. "So it's all a matter of perspective."

"I guess you're right," Kankuro said.

"Many restaurant chefs are men," Gaara continued.

"Yeah…"

"And they aren't called feminine."

"No…"

"But they are the best cooks of all," Gaara said. "If cooking were feminine, they would be seen as the most feminine of all male cooks."

Kankuro scratched his head. "You've got a point."

"But they're not. Male restaurant chefs get a lot of recognition and praise for their cooking skills, and no one suggests that they are in any way feminine for having honed that trait. It's only men at home who are accused of being feminine for their ability to cook." Gaara worked as he talked, chopping vegetables, heating oil in the wok, preparing rice for steaming. "This suggests to me an overall cultural assumption that to do something at a mediocre level is female, and to excel is male."

Kankuro winced and scratched the back of his head. "I never thought of it like that. But I guess you're right. I mean, I certainly felt like I always had more pressure on me than Temari. Maybe it's because she couldn't be expected to do better. But –"

"But what?" Gaara glanced at him.

Kankuro bit his lip. "That's not fair. I mean, Temari's as tough in a fight as anyone. And she can't cook worth a damn, but I can. I think it's the individuality that matters, not the culture. She shouldn't be called out for being a poor cook, and I shouldn't be called out for being a good one. Just because we throw the stereotype doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us. We are who we are."

"But you said cooking is a skill which requires practice, and she won't practice," Gaara said. He threw the vegetables into the wok, creating a loud hiss and a cloud of steam.

"Put the lid on, _jan_," Kankuro said. "You're smoking up the house."

Gaara grabbed the lid to the wok and slammed it down. The heavy oil-scented smoke made him cough. "I apologize."

"You had the heat up too high," Kankuro said. "But that's okay."

Gaara gave him a startled look, and then smiled. "Because mistakes aren't the end of the world," he said, quoting something his niisan had told him previously.

Kankuro nodded. "It's what you learn from it."

"I learned I had the heat too high," Gaara said.

Kankuro gestured. "There you go. Next time you won't do the same thing."

"What did you learn?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro stared at him. "What?"

"About Temari?"

Kankuro scowled and looked away. "I don't know. What are you talking about? Her refusal to cook, or her general reign of terror in my life?"

"You made a mistake –"

"Asking her to help me was a mistake?" Kankuro snapped.

Gaara looked at him wide-eyed. "I meant taking no for an answer."

Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. "Wait, what? Back up a minute."

"She hurt your feelings," Gaara said. "She shouldn't be able to do that and get away with it."

Kankuro sighed. "Look, _jan_. They're just feelings. They get hurt all the time. Nothing has to be done about it. They just are."

"But…"

"If I asked everyone who hurt my feelings to apologize, I'd have to ask the whole village," Kankuro said. "No, scratch that, the better part of two countries. A lot of people hurt my feelings. Do I call them out on it? No. Because it's not important. You know what's important?"

Gaara shook his head.

"Family," Kankuro said. "That's what's important." He pointed. "If someone hurts you or Temari, then it's important. Otherwise…" He shrugged. "What do I care what happens to me or not? As long as I survive it, it wasn't that bad."

"I think that's a terrible way to feel," Gaara said.

"Why? It's what all warriors feel."

"That they are disposable?" Gaara questioned.

Kankuro looked away. "I didn't mean it that way."

Gaara walked across the kitchen and stood directly in front of him. "What way did you mean it?"

Kankuro stared up at his brother. Being confronted like this forced him to actually think about what he'd meant, and he hated that. "If you're a true warrior, I guess you put everyone else before yourself. You protect them." He shrugged one shoulder. "You've gotta protect your village, or else you're a failure."

"You can't believe that," Gaara said.

"Why not?" Kankuro demanded.

"It's a logical fallacy," Gaara said.

"How?"

Gaara held up both hands. "If you were a warrior who died trying to protect your village, and the village was massacred, then by that definition of success you would be a failure. Trying has to count for something. Effort has to be some measure of success. If you try, if you spend your whole life expending so much effort that you drop to the floor, shouldn't that count for something?"

Kankuro looked away. "Nah, _jan_. You were right the first time. A man who dies trying to save his village, and his village gets destroyed, is remembered in the history books as a failure."

Gaara clenched his hands into fists. "I didn't ask you that!"

Kankuro looked at Gaara, startled.

Gaara squeezed his eyes shut and yelled. "I didn't ask you what the history books are going to say! I asked you whether or not you should succeed as my niisan because you try so hard that you don't have time for anything else!"

Kankuro got to his feet and put his arms around Gaara. "Don't shout, okay? It's fine. Everything is going to be fine." _I can't afford for you to melt down, too._

"It's not fine," Gaara mumbled. "It's not fine when you feel like you don't matter. You do matter. You matter to me."

Kankuro poked the top of Gaara's head. "Hey. Look at me."

Gaara reluctantly looked up at him.

Kankuro smiled. "I appreciate that, okay? I appreciate that a lot. I understand where you're coming from. No one means more to me than you and Temari. I just…" He shrugged. "I don't think I matter as much. In the grand scheme of things. Not like you and Temari. You're both…I mean, you both have very important…you're talented people, and you have a lot to offer."

"So are you," Gaara said. "You are a Puppet Master."

Kankuro shrugged. "There will be someone else to surpass me. I mean, I'm good. Right now, I'm the best. But that doesn't mean one of the little brats I teach won't surpass me in three or five years. Because they will. I'll just be a footnote in a history text, and not a very interesting one, either. But you and Temari, you'll achieve immortality. I know it."

Gaara searched his eyes. "Why won't you, Kankuro? Why Temari but not you?"

Kankuro shrugged. "She wants it more than me, I guess. You know Temari. She's always wanted to be famous."

"It isn't as though you lack flair on the battlefield," Gaara said.

Kankuro sighed. "I know. I just lack flair everywhere else."

"Whereas Temari has enough flair for two people," Gaara said dryly.

Kankuro smiled feebly. "I think your vegetables are burning, _jan_."

The vegetables were burnt and overcooked, the rice burned to the bottom of the steamer and was mushy, the sauce had too much pepper in it…but it was a hot meal Kankuro hadn't cooked, and he enjoyed it thoroughly just the same.

Kankuro pushed away his empty bowl. "Thanks for cooking dinner. I really appreciate it."

Gaara smiled and stood up. "Shall we do dishes?"

Kankuro followed his brother's lead. "It'd be a good idea."

Gaara did the dishes the way he had the night before; he washed and Kankuro dried. Kankuro even found himself enjoying the dish duty. He hadn't actually wanted to do it since…well, almost never, really. He'd never liked it. He'd just shouldered it because dishes were something else to do for his family.

The thought flitted across his mind that he was actually happier now that Temari was gone, and that immediately made him feel guilty.

"What's the matter?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro sighed. "I was just thinking how peaceful this is. Now…"

"Now that Temari's out of the house," Gaara said softly. "Quieter. With less tension."

"Yeah." Kankuro stared down at the bowl he was supposed to be drying. "Is that wrong? How can I be wishing she'd leave, when I'm angry she'd gone?"

"Complicated," Gaara said. "Emotions are complicated."

"You can say that alright."

Kankuro paused again, drying a plate. "I don't want her to leave…I just want her to leave me alone."

Gaara smiled. "Sounds like a problem."

Kankuro sighed. "If she'd be nice to me, she could stay."

Gaara paused. "I…I have actually never seen her be 'nice' to anyone."

"Except Temari, you mean." Kankuro snorted. "She's always pretty nice to herself."

"You resent that," Gaara said. "She has all the self-esteem you lack, but she refuses to dole out any recognition for your accomplishments that would enable you to better your self-esteem."

"You make it sound like I'm just hanging on every word," Kankuro complained. "I mean, I ignore most of the crap she says every day. And I banter back like it's no big deal." He took a deep breath, but he couldn't help tacking on, "Why doesn't she see that she's hurting me?"

"She does," Gaara said quietly. "If she knows you as well as she says she does, then she does know when she is hurting your feelings. You just have to accept that for whatever reason, she wants to do it."

"No," Kankuro said, immediately horrified.

Gaara folded his arms and stared Kankuro down.

Kankuro didn't bother to hide how agonized Gaara's words made him feel. "But…why?" He shook his head. "I mean, as siblings, we get along now. Why? Why would she make me feel this way?"

"Do you get along?" Gaara asked. "I thought you said last night that you've never gotten along with Temari."

"But I…"

"You said you suppress your needs to fulfill her own," Gaara said.

Kankuro chewed his lip and said nothing.

"And you said you resented her for the attention she received from our father," Gaara said.

Kankuro sighed. "Well, I did. She never had to do anything while I had to do everything. And still, all he could look at was her."

Gaara nodded. "So you told me. So when you talk about being in harmony with our neesan, what you really mean is that she is singing a solo and you are being silent so you don't disrupt the melody."

Kankuro's mouth twitched. "That's one way of putting it."

"Then why don't you get your own melody?"

Kankuro stared at him. "I can't."

"Why not?" Gaara asked.

"I…I just…" Kankuro shrugged and looked away. "I can't. I can't leave her there, singing by herself. She's my neesan."

"But she's not your protector," Gaara said. "You're hers. Who protects you, niisan?" He put his hand on Kankuro's chest. "Who protects Kankuro?"

Kankuro just looked at his brother for a minute. Then he shrugged. "I do."

Gaara shook his head. "You're protecting everyone else. The one person you won't protect is yourself."

Kankuro let out a small, sad laugh. "So what am I supposed to do, _jan_? Stop protecting everyone else and just protect myself? Curl up in a ball? A lot of good that's going to do when someone attacks the people I love."

"To some extent, we are not helpless," Gaara said.

Kankuro snorted. "To some extent. I would say that you and sis are somewhat less than helpless, yeah."

"Then let us protect ourselves sometimes," Gaara said. "Focus on protecting you. You can't be here all the time."

"I can damned well try," Kankuro said.

"But you can't succeed," Gaara said. "You're like the man with the slaughtered village."

"I thought you said he did succeed," Kankuro teased gently.

"I said his effort ought to make an impact on the history books," Gaara said. "And he ought to feel good about himself, about the duty he fulfilled by protecting the village at all costs – even if he didn't succeed." He poked Kankuro. "But if he survived…if he took better care of himself –"

"One man doesn't make a village." Kankuro turned away. "Now he's just a man without a village. That's a sadder story than if he'd died."

Gaara gripped Kankuro's arm. "I'm not leaving you."

Kankuro turned around. "What?"

Gaara looked up into his face. "I'm not leaving you. Temari will, but I won't."

"Gaara…"

"I'm not leaving." Gaara shook his arm. "I'm never going to leave you. I'm going to stay by your side forever. Because you need me."

"But what about starting a family someday?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara shook his head. "I don't want to start a new family. I am satisfied with the family I have now."

"We won't be around forever," Kankuro pointed out.

Gaara narrowed his eyes at his brother. "I am going to make sure you are going to be around as long as possible. I don't want to face the danger of losing a niisan, just because he worked himself to death."

"I'm not –"

"I only have one niisan," Gaara said. "I can't afford any losses."

Kankuro swallowed a lump in his throat. "Gaara…"

Gaara looked at him fiercely. "If you couldn't stand to lose your ototo, what makes you think I am strong enough to face losing my niisan?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Kankuro mumbled.

Gaara hugged Kankuro and buried his face against Kankuro's chest. "Damn right you're not. Stop overprotecting us. Take care of yourself sometimes, not just us."

"I'll think about it," Kankuro said.

"It's an order."  
>"As Kazekage?" Gaara looked up at him. He could tell an in instant that Gaara wasn't joking. "That really is an order, isn't it?"<p>

"Yes."

Kankuro felt stunned, suddenly unsure on his feet. "I guess I'll have to, then." He tried to get his bearings. "But I don't know how. I'll have to get a little help."

"All skills take practice," Gaara said sternly. "Not just fighting."

Kankuro grinned. "Man, you really like quoting me, don't you?"

"Wisdom is inherently quotable."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hours**

Chapter 3

* * *

><p>Over the next five days, Kankuro enjoyed spending time with Gaara by himself. No interruptions, no loud, brash dinner conversation about the latest news. Kankuro found himself relaxing. By degrees, he felt himself unwinding from all of his habitual tension. After a couple days of the restful environment, he didn't wake up in the middle of the night having a panic attack about whether or not he was going to make it the next day.<p>

Gaara volunteered to cook every night, wanting to learn as quickly as possible.

Kankuro enjoyed passing down a few of the biggest tips he knew.

Gaara was stunned. "You mean it's all about getting the timing right and setting everything to the right temperature?"

Kankuro laughed. "Well, yeah."

Gaara looked at him wide-eyed. "But you make it seem like a jutsu."

Kankuro ruffled his hair.

Dinner that night was almost as good as what Kankuro could've done. The vegetables were crisp and retained their bright color, the rice was chewy and sticky, and the teriyaki chicken had just the right smoky flavor.

Then the day came when they expected Temari to arrive.

Kankuro was definitely nervous, but he made dinner like normal and hoped for the best. He took a deep breath and set the table. "She's gonna be home any minute, right?"

Gaara smiled. "It looks nice."

Kankuro waited by the door until Gaara took his arm and made him sit down.

"If you're hungry, eat," Gaara said. He proceeded to do just that.

Kankuro didn't want to be the one person not eating, so he dug in as well.

Halfway through their meal, Temari burst through the door.

Kankuro paused with his chopsticks in his mouth. "Hey, sis. How's it going?"

"Man, I've been hauling ass all day. I'm tired." Temari dropped into a chair.

Kankuro pushed a bowl of rice and vegetables under her nose.

She took the chopsticks offered like a zombie and ate while half asleep. After a few bites, she perked up. "So, wanna hear what my mission was all about?"

Gaara exchanged glances with Kankuro. "Well, I already know…"

"How'd it turn out?" Kankuro asked.

Temari scowled. "Lame. The whole thing was a bust. I wasted a bunch of time, too. Chasing false leads."

"The rest of the time you wasted chasing Shikamaru," Kankuro quipped.

Temari gave him a death glare. "I don't have to chase him, thank you very much. He likes me just fine."

"That shouldn't last long," Kankuro said. "If he could see you now, he'd be less than impressed."

Temari raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, yeah, that look is very attractive," Kankuro said. He framed her with his hands. "It says…ball-busting wife."

Temari flicked some of her vegetables at him.

He shielded himself.

"So what's new, guys?" she asked.

"Well, we have some new house rules," Gaara cautiously said.

She stared at him. "Yeah? Like what?"

"We all do dishes together," Gaara said.

Temari looked less than thrilled. "Sounds cute." She stood up and pushed her chair out. "Not tonight, folks. I'm going straight to bed."

"Not so fast." Kankuro stood up and blocked her way with a smile. He pointed to her dinner. "You at least have to wash the bowl you ate out of."

Temari rolled her eyes and rested her hand on her hip. "Give me a break. That is so petty. What harm is one dish going to do? Wash it yourself if you care whether it's clean or dirty. I'm going to bed."

"You have the energy for one bowl," Kankuro said.

She raised both eyebrows and looked at her brothers. "Are you seriously trying to do this tonight? Because the macho act doesn't impress me." She pointed at Kankuro. "I'm going to sleep. Now you better get out of my way or I am going through you."

Kankuro smirked. "I don't think I'm moving, sis. Not until you clean your bowl. House rules."

"That was me being polite. Now I'm pissed." She cracked her knuckles. "Move. Or else."

"What's the big deal?" Kankuro asked.

She growled. "I don't know. You're making one. Now get out of my way."

"Make me," Kankuro said. He folded his arms. "And the surest way to make me is by washing your bowl."

In the meantime, Gaara quietly got up from his spot, washed his bowl and chopsticks, hung them in the drain board, and crept from the room.

Temari shoved Kankuro in the chest. "Move, buster."

Kankuro pushed her back.

She cocked back her arm. "You don't wanna know how many men I've killed for denying me sleep."

"Was Shikamaru one of them?" Kankuro asked.

A full scale fight broke out. This rarely happened inside the house, much less in the kitchen.

Temari felled him with a nut shot and then planted her foot on his stomach. "You are useless without your puppets, ototo." She smirked and applied a little pressure, digging her heel in. "If you were gonna fight, you should've brought 'em."

Kankuro gasped, "Can't you just act like an adult for once and wash your bowl?"

Temari grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hauled him up to eye level. She shook him. "What the fuck is your problem? I come home and the first thing you say to me is 'wash the dishes'. I've just been out on an assignment for three fucking days in the middle of the woods. Not to mention the time it took to travel back here." She shook him again. "And to get my ass kicked by my little brother for not cleaning up would be just too much!" She shoved him away and turned on her heel. "Who the fuck thought up these house rules, anyway? You know you can't make the rules when one of the people in your house is gone, right?" She glanced at him. "That's like totally invalid." She stormed off.

Kankuro held his stomach and glared after her. He could hear her stomp up the stairs.

And then he was alone in the kitchen, the site of his current failure. Temari hadn't beaten him up for something ever since he was fourteen. He'd gotten a black eye over a girl. Other than that, he thought they'd been getting along pretty well. Now it was like he'd gone back in time.

He fisted his hair in his hands.

After a long look at the dishes, he swallowed and washed them all, one by one. Then, he walked down the hall to his workshop and sat down at his bench. He couldn't bring himself to do anything. He almost took a match to his new designs. Kankuro put his head down on the table, folding his arms underneath his head and hiding. That was the closest he could get to black nothingness without expending any effort.

After a while, a small voice punctured the silence. "Are you in here?"

Kankuro couldn't raise his voice above a mumble, but he knew Gaara sensed his chakra. "Yeah."

Gaara's voice came from closer by, around the middle of the room. "I saw all the dishes are clean."

"Yeah."

There was a pause. "Temari didn't help, did she."

Kankuro heaved a sigh and tried to stop feeling sorry for himself. "No."

"Why not?"

"I don't wanna talk about it, _jan_. Could you just drop it and go away?"

Gaara's voice was hard. "Why should I?"

Kankuro felt angry, and he didn't want anyone to see him this way. His brother's presence was torturing him. "I don't feel well. I think I caught a stomach bug."

He felt Gaara's chakra grow near, heard soft footsteps. Gaara sighed and laid a hand on Kankuro's shoulder. "You're not sick. You're just upset."

Kankuro raised his head and glared at his brother over his shoulder. "So what? What does it matter?"

Gaara met his gaze without any returning animosity. "It matters to me."

Kankuro's anger and frustration drained out of him. "I see. So you're backing the underdog."

"I am backing the person who is correct," Gaara said. "I can do no else." He held his hands out palm up. "I am the Kazekage. I am responsible for justice in this village. This house is part of this village. It is therefore in my domain to make sure no injustice perpetrated in this house stands unpunished."

"Then how come you had you and me come up with some house rules while someone – Temari – was away?" Kankuro asked. "Doesn't that count as an injustice? Aren't you the perpetrator of such injustice?"

Gaara furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about?"

"She accused me of being unfair because we made up the rule that everyone has to wash their own dishes while she was away," Kankuro said. He sighed and turned to his brother fully. "She accused me of injustice. She accused me of being not fair."

"This hurts you," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro pounded his fist against his chest. "Of course it does! Of course it hurts me! I've tried my whole life to be fair. To be honest. To be true. And now she says I –" He couldn't continue. He didn't even know what he wanted to say. Kankuro fidgeted in his seat.

"I am the Kazekage," Gaara said. "Technically, I own this house, and you both stay here because I want you to." He folded his arms. "If I decided I didn't want her here, she'd be out. There would be nothing she could do against me, no matter what she wanted to. No one would support her."

"That seems kind of harsh, _jan_." Kankuro couldn't deny that the idea made him feel better. He looked away and scratched the back of his head. Locking Temari out of the house was a petty idea. A petty idea of revenge. It would solve nothing.

Gaara looked at him curiously. "My point is that I can and do expect people to uphold the rules in this household. Whatever rules I make up, I will strive to make them fair, but when someone refuses to follow those rules, I am left with no choice. Someone who breaks the rules must be punished." He tilted his head. "You know this. You feel this way. It's a matter of justice."

Kankuro's jaw clenched in frustration. "I know, _jan_. But she's my sister. Our sister. She's my – my –"

"Role model," Gaara said. "Since she is the older sibling, she is the role model for you. And she expects to hold that position, whether she does a good job or not. But you know that she doesn't always think about how her actions look to other people. She is far more concerned with how her actions impact herself."

"You're saying she's selfish? Nah…" But Kankuro couldn't help smiling. He admitted, "Well, maybe a little bit. She can be. Yeah."

"She doesn't think about the example she sets for you," Gaara said. "But you do, don't you?"

Kankuro looked at Gaara, startled. "Huh?"

Gaara gestured. "If you came home from a mission, and you refused to do any of the work, you'd expect to get punished."

Kankuro sucked in his breath and stood up. "Man, I know I would! I'd get the tar beaten out of me in a minute! That's not the way responsible people act. That's not the way men act."

"In our culture, it is," Gaara said. "A lot of the time, a man comes home from work and simply goes to bed, sometimes after eating a meal he doesn't pay for in reciprocal duties."

Kankuro stared at him. "You're saying Temari's the man?" He narrowed his eyes as the other half impacted on his brain. "And I'm the woman?"

Gaara's eyes widened. He held up his hands. "No. I'm saying you need to learn to respect each other. You do your part, but she doesn't respect you for it – and she doesn't think she has to give anything back. That is just as wrong as if you came home and tried to get away with similar behavior. You would never do that, but she does it all the time. I see you getting your feelings hurt, and you won't stick up for yourself because you think you have to owe her something she doesn't deserve. What is it that you think you have to pay her back for?"

"Nothing, _jan_."

Gaara waited.

Kankuro ran a hand through his hair and looked away. "Well, maybe when I was a kid." He glanced at Gaara. "You don't know, but she was always there, man. Always there. If I needed something, if I needed to beat somebody up for smack talking me, she was always there. She told me I should ignore them because they were full of shit every time some kid gave me a hard time about the puppet jutsu." He shrugged. "So you see? I guess I do owe her for a lot of stuff. Without her to help me, I never would've become as tough as I am today."

"But at what price?" Gaara asked. "At what point do you pay her back? Are you going to be even someday? Or are you always going to do anything she asks? Because I don't think that kind of debt is healthy."

"I don't know if she's ever going to let me off the hook," Kankuro said. "She kind of made it pretty clear I owed her for life. I guess that was when she started making me do all the cooking and laundry and stuff."

"I forgive your debt," Gaara said pointedly. "Now you are no longer obligated to repay Temari for whatever services she has rendered."

Kankuro slowly stood up. "Can you even do that? I mean, settle disputes like that?"

Gaara straightened to his full height. "I am Kazekage. I can do anything that involves justice and the governing of my village."

Kankuro swallowed. He held up his hands. "Okay, man. I believe you." He bit his lip. "So what now?"

Gaara looked stern. "Now we go upstairs and inform Temari that your debt to her has been forgiven by her Kazekage and she must respect this decision, or else she must face the consequences."

Kankuro gaped at him. "Now?" He pointed. "She's just gone to sleep! Waking her up now would be like waking up an angry tiger. I'd get my arms ripped off."

"I'll stand between you," Gaara said. Though he seemed unimpressed at the consequences of waking their neesan, he was also quite serious. "She'd have to go through me first. I have the sand to protect me. I don't think there is any danger of harm coming to us."

Kankuro followed him upstairs, feeling a little like an idiot for hiding behind his younger brother.

Gaara knocked on Temari's door. When there was no answer, he tried the door. She hadn't bothered to lock it. He slipped inside.

Every instinct in his body told Kankuro to run. He followed Gaara into their sister's room and tried not to jump at shadows.

Gaara walked over to where Temari slept and looked down at her. "Temari."

She choked on her spit and opened one eye at him. "Gzz."

"I am here to inform you that the debt Kankuro owes you has been forgiven."

Temari pulled herself into a sitting position and rubbed her eye. Her voice was thick. "Fuck. What the hell are you doing in my room?" Then she saw Kankuro and clutched the blanket against her chest. "Get the fuck out of my room!"

"You may no longer collect on the debt you think he owes you," Gaara said. "Cease and desist, or face the consequences."

She glared at the both of them. "What do you think you're doing in my room? Get out."

Gtaara stared her down. "Accept."

"What?" She stared at him, clearly less than half awake.

"Accept that Kankuro's debt is no longer yours to collect. As Kazekage, I have declared it null."

She looked at him in disbelief for a moment. Then she flopped down in bed and rolled over, covering her head with the blanket. "Whatever. Fuck. Just go away."

Gaara nodded at Kankuro.

Feeling foolish, Kankuro crept out of the room, sensing Gaara right behind him. Gaara shut the door on his way out and gestured for Kankuro to go first down the stairs.

Once they were downstairs in the kitchen, Gaara said quietly, "There. Your debt has been forgiven. Now, if she tries to get you to do the dishes or anything else without putting in her fair share, you can simply refuse her and go about your business."

"I don't think it'll be that easy," Kankuro said. "She wasn't even really awake. How do I know she's even going to remember this in the morning?"

Gaara smiled. "I'll hold her to it. I'll write a note for her to find before I go to work in the morning."

Kankuro laughed. He couldn't help it. "This is really ridiculous, _jan_."

"I know," Gaara said. "The lengths she will go to in order to make you feel guilty for doing nothing wrong…it is ridiculous."

Kankuro looked away. "That's not what I meant. I meant this whole mess in the kitchen. What do I care if she cleans her bowl or not right after she comes home from a mission? She's right. We decided everything without her. It feels like a crime."

Gaara grabbed his arm. "Sticking up for yourself isn't ridiculous. You merely asked her to do something you would have asked of me."

"Until recently? No." Kankuro looked at him. "I wouldn't have. I wouldn't have even thought it. You do so many important things, while I just putter around and –"

Gaara looked less than amused. "You don't 'putter around' at anything. You always have serious work to do. Don't undermine your achievements."

Kankuro sighed. "I just feel like we could have chosen a little bit of a better time than when she just got back from a difficult mission."

"We come home from difficult missions every day," Gaara pointed out. "We don't deserve special treatment. We do what we're supposed to. It's time that she started acting like the rest of us."

Kankuro chewed his lip. "I don't know, man. I have a really bad feeling about this."

Gaara squeezed his arm. "It will be okay. I will make sure of it."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hours**

Chapter 4

* * *

><p>He knew that Gaara could have sent him to do anything. Track down a criminal, escort some official to safety, do reconnaissance on some new possible threat to the village. Since Temari went to Konoha, he'd been on training duty with the genin all week, which anyone would agree was light duty, and today, Gaara sent him on a routine patrol that only took him and his team an hour.<p>

When he got back, Gaara greeted him at the door with a smile.

"How would you like some tea?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro quickly recovered and played off his surprise with a shrug. "Sure. I'd like that, I guess."

He found himself in the kitchen, sitting at the table watching his brother prepare tea. "Hey, how come you're down here with me, _jan_?"

Gaara delivered the tea to the table and sat down himself. "I'm taking a break."

"A break? Can you do that?"

"I am my own boss," Gaara said.

After a moment of stunned silence, Kankuro laughed. "I guess so."

"It's only for an hour," Gaara said. "I wanted to spend time with you. I knew about how long the mission would take. I wanted you to have time for your puppet workshop today."

Kankuro sipped his tea. "You're taking it easy on me, huh?"

Gaara nodded.

"Don't you think your decisions are going to come across as favoritism?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara looked confused. "I'm not your father."

"But you're our leader," Kankuro pointed out. "Don't you think it amounts to the same thing? Suddenly you're showing me all this attention, and Temari's not going to like it. She's going to think you're taking sides."

"I have taken sides," Gaara said. He sat down. "I've taken your side."

"But isn't that wrong?" Kankuro asked in exasperation, looking at the ceiling. "I mean, you have to be fair."

"Being fair is taking your side," Gaara said.

Kankuro wanted to throw his tea at Gaara. "How can you say that?"

"Because I've listened to both sides, and I've examined the data," Gaara said. "You're right and Temari's wrong." He furrowed his brow, looking at Kankuro with concern. "She's going to have to get used to that."

Kankuro chewed that over. "Okay, but that doesn't explain why you're taking an hour off." He gestured. "I mean, it's not mealtime, and it's not an emergency to spend time with me. We've spent time together all week. I don't feel neglected or anything, _jan_."

Gaara smiled wryly. "I thought if I stayed with you, I could get you to sit down for a while without thinking you had to do any chores."

Kankuro looked away, feeling outsmarted. "Yeah, it's laundry day, _jan_. I was planning on catching up on a few chores." He sighed. "Not that I'd rather do chores than spend time in my workshop. You know that. Sometimes I don't think I get enough time to myself."

"Then why did you plan to spend the rest of the day on chores?" Gaara asked.

"Temari brought home a whole sack full of dirty laundry." Kankuro scratched the back of his head. "Man, she sure complicates things, doesn't she? I had everything under control while she was away without much of a problem, but now that she's back I feel all…" He slumped in his chair and sighed. "Stressed out again."

Gaara sipped his tea, slurping because it was hot. He looked at Kankuro innocently. "So don't do her chores."

"Don't do her cooking or her clothes?" Kankuro protested. "Man, she'll beat my ass into the ground." He suddenly realized how bad that sounded. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It's not like I'm her wife or anything, but she expects me to do it and gets mad if I don't. And I really don't wanna deal with it right now."

"Why not?" Gaara asked.

"Because I still have bruises from yesterday!" Kankuro scowled and drank his tea too fast, burning his tongue. He set his teacup down abruptly. "If Temari proved anything yesterday, it's that she's willing to fight me to keep her spot as top princess. And I don't want it that much. I may be 'gay', according to half the village, but I'm not that gay. And besides. She's family. I'm not supposed to be fighting her." He stared down into his cup.

"Who says?" Gaara asked quietly. "If she gets violent, you should be able to defend yourself. I've seen you both in battle, Kankuro. You share the same rank. You should be equal."

Kankuro shrugged. He refused to look up from his tea. "But I don't want to win as much as she does. That's what it comes down to, I think. Temari cares more about being right. So I let her."

"You know it's wrong," Gaara said.

Kankuro shrugged again. "So what?"

"I care more about you than I do about Temari," Gaara announced, jarring Kankuro into attention.

He stared at his ototo.

Dead silence rang in the room. Gaara raised an eyebrow and looked at him expectantly.

Kankuro struggled to breathe, much less find his voice. "What? What did you say?"

"I said it." Gaara's hands tightened on his teacup until he shook. "It's the truth. It's favoritism. Between the two of you, I love you more."

Kankuro was dimly aware his mouth was hanging open. He licked his lips and looked around the room, trying not to imagine dozens of hidden shinobi waiting to report back to his older sister. Finally, his gaze rested on Gaara again. "How could you say that?" He couldn't get his voice above a whisper. "How could you say such a horrible thing?"

Gaara's stoic expression was unremorseful. "I don't care. It's the truth. I love you more than I do her. When we were kids, it was always you I fantasized getting close to. Never her." He cut his hand across the air.

"Guh. Gaara…"

Gaara folded his hands on the table. "I will always treat you two as equals, to the best of my ability as Kazekage, but when it comes to disputes that happen between you, I am tempted to choose your side indiscriminately."

"But…but what happens when…" Kankuro didn't know if he was shaking because he was terrified, or if he was thrilled. Just the fact that he could feel thrilled filled him with nauseating fear that he was a bad person.

"When you're wrong, I'll tell you," Gaara said.

Kankuro let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding.

"But when you are right and Temari is wrong, don't think that I will hold back against her out of some sense of sentimentality," Gaara said. "It's not there. I don't have any sentimentality towards our sister. You might, but I don't."

All Kankuro could tell for sure was that he felt numb. The numbness was the same as when someone told him his father died. The same numbness he felt when he thought he'd lost his only chance to be an older brother. But as far as he could tell, he hadn't lost anything. In fact, he felt that there ought to be an opportunity in this. In his headspace, he knew that: something good had just happened. But he was too numb to grasp it.

He lifted his cup to his lips and drank his tea, autopilot gestures with no one home.

"Niisan?"

"Yeah?" Kankuro asked shakily, not making eye contact.

"What are you thinking?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro paused. "I don't know. That's the problem."

"I thought this would make you happy," Gaara said softly.

"Yeah. Yeah, it does." As soon as Kankuro heard Gaara say it, he knew it was true. "It does make me happy." He set down his cup and frowned. "Well…no. No, it doesn't." Although he couldn't immediately say why, he knew that was true too. He only had a vague sense of wrongness.

"Why not?" Gaara asked.

"Because…" Kankuro chewed his lip. "Because I think…you should love us both equally."

"Why?" Gaara examined his face. "Why? If it's impossible for me to do, why?"

"If…If you just…" The room blurred as Kankuro realized why he suddenly felt so miserable. "If Father had just loved us all equally, nothing bad would've happened to us. We would've been fine. But because he played favorites, we got hurt all the time, and he turned all his attention on Te –" His voice cracked. He swallowed. "Temari." He hung his head. "I wanted to make myself the favorite, and that's why I was a bad person. I wasn't trying to fix it, I was only trying to take advantage of Father's tendency to play favorites for myself. I was always trying to prove myself to him so he would choose me as the favorite and dump everyone else. But that's horrible. That's how a kid feels, not an adult. I shouldn't want to be the favorite over anyone else. I shouldn't want anyone else to get dumped. But I do. And that makes me a bad person. I want you to play favorites, and that's wrong."

Gaara reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "You're not wrong. You deserve sometimes to feel special. That's what you told me. You told me it's right to want to feel special. You told me it's a right. That I have to feel special, or I'll go away. Cease to exist." His voice picked up speed and emotion. "That I can't exist if I can't feel special from the inside, but I also can't exist if someone doesn't make me feel special from the outside. You said that was what was wrong with the village's treatment of me. They didn't make me feel special. So I was afraid of ceasing to be. I was afraid to cease to exist because they made me feel invisible, and I started to think I was –"

Kankuro's head snapped up. "No. No, don't. Stop." He squeezed his brother's hand back. "You're right. They were wrong to do what they did. You do need to feel special. And I want you to feel that way, because you're special to me."

Gaara whispered, "But who makes you feel special? Who keeps Kankuro from vanishing off the face of the world?"

Kankuro felt the pained expression split across his face. "You do. You do, Gaara. You're my ototo. Being your older brother is the most special thing in the world to me." He shook his head. "I could never disappear now that I have you."

Gaara took a deep, slow breath, methodically exhaling tension. "I'm glad. I want you to be here. I want you to be here for the rest of my life. If Temari really is leaving to marry Shikamaru sometime in the future, then you're all I have."

A smile tugged at Kankuro's mouth. He looked away. "I'm not all you have. You have a whole village, _jan_. What's just one guy?"

"The difference between being alone, and being special," Gaara said softly.

Kankuro inwardly melted. He flopped back in his chair. "Okay, okay, jeez. I give up." He raised his hands. "I'll spend time in my workshop if it makes you happy."

Gaara smiled. "Mm-hmm." He stood up. "Well, back to work." His smile morphed into a tiny smirk. "If I don't find you in your workshop, I'm going to punish you, Kazekage to jonin."

Kankuro laughed. "Okay, fine. I won't sneak off and do Temari's laundry."

"I knew you were thinking it," Gaara said, abruptly solemn.

Kankuro scratched the back of his head and grinned sheepishly. "You know me."

"I ought to. You're my niisan."

They parted ways.

Kankuro had to admit there was a little bit of a bounce in his step compared to before the conversation.

* * *

><p>Before dinnertime, Gaara took Kankuro aside and explained his plan. In spite of misgivings, Kankuro agreed. They'd try having everyone cook for themselves tonight.<p>

_Oh, boy,_ Kankuro thought. _But I'll do it. God, if it makes Gaara happy, I'll do it. I don't wanna disappoint him by chickening out. _

So they each chopped their own vegetables and picked out their own meat, and fried their own noodles. The only thing they shared was the kitchen tools. Surprisingly, it only added about fifteen minutes to the cook time. And they both agreed that having their food be really piping hot when they got it was a plus.

"And, I don't like celery like you do," Gaara pointed out. "I only tolerate it. Now I don't have to have any at all."

"That's true, _jan_." Kankuro ate a piece of diced celery and grinned. "More for me."

They just sat down at the table when the front door banged.

The whirlwind entrance he imagined for Temari wasn't that far off. She came storming in, chakra crackling, hands already balled into fists.

"How was your day?" Gaara asked politely.

Temari gave him the evil eye. "You sent me on the worst mission ever."

"What was so terrible about it?" Kankuro asked. "I thought it sounded pretty routine. Take down a target, teach a bunch of kids how to ambush stuff without being seen."

"They should've been stuck back with the D-Rankers," Temari protested. "They were terrible. I had a girl with no confidence, who burst into tears the moment she did something wrong, a fat guy, and a lazy nerd who just wanted to look at birds!"

Kankuro laughed.

She glared at him.

"I can't help it." Kankuro held up his hands. "I remember them. I had the same bunch of guys. But your descriptions are awfully harsh, _jan_. They weren't that bad the way I remember them."

Temari steamrolled along as if she hadn't heard his comment at all. "And there was this guy who couldn't throw in a straight line if he wanted to. He thought he was hot shit because he was handsome, but he threw like a girl with a lazy eye." She threw up her hands. "And he kept hitting on me! I had to tell him that if he took a pass at me one more time, I'd slam him into the ground. Lucky little bastard believed me." She folded her arms.

"I didn't choose the mission to give you a hard time," Gaara said. "They needed training and you were the one with the most compatible skills."

"You mean Kankuro scared them all off with his creepy puppet jutsu," Temari said sourly with a glance in Kankuro's direction.

"I did not," Kankuro protested. Her words were like a blow to the chest. Since when did she call his puppet jutsu creepy? She used to kick the ass of anyone who said that.

"Kankuro has been training genin all week," Gaara said. "It was simply your turn."

"The minute I get back from Konoha?" Temari scowled and folded her arms. "You're just doing this to punish me."

"I sent you to Konoha because I trusted you." Gaara looked perplexed. "It was a complicated reconnaissance mission, and I knew that you could do it. Besides, you requested to be closer to the border. You asked me for first pick of all the Konoha missions, and that's what I did. I gave you first choice."

"Yet the moment I get back you're treating me like a criminal and asking me to babysit little kids," Temari said. "Where's the logic in that, little bro?"

"They needed to learn your skills, from a tough taskmaster," Gaara said. "I gave you the genin to whip them into shape. They needed it." He gestured. "You've performed your duty, so please make your supper and get comfortable."

"I don't wanna make my own supper."

Kankuro grinned. "Who's the little kid now, _jan_?"

A muscle in her jaw rippled. "What'd you just say to me?"

"I said –"

She took a step forward. "Did you just say I'm a little kid? Is that what you said to me?"

"Don't get so hot and bothered about it," Kankuro said. "It was just a joke. A quip. You know, banter? Like we always do?"

She tossed her head. "Oh, it so was not. And you know it. You just called me out to my face. What do you think I'm gonna do?"

"I'm hoping you just pipe down and cook some dinner so you can get out of our hair," Kankuro said dryly. He pointedly took up his chopsticks. "We're having a good time here. At least we were until you showed up."

"Excuse me?" She looked from one to the other. "This is my house, too, and I have a right to be here!"

"Then follow the rules," Kankuro said. "It's not like it's that hard."

"You can't make up stupid ultimatums while I'm gone and then call them rules as soon as I'm back," Temari said. "I told you last night. That shit's not going to fly with me. Wise up."

Gaara cut into the conversation effortlessly, even though his voice was soft. "Because I am Kazekage, you live here for free. If I were not, you would not be here at all. You would be somewhere else, having to cook and clean your living space, and paying rent for the privilege. I don't see why you have to argue." He stood up. "All you have to do is get some meat and cook it, and then fry your noodles. You don't even have to do that if you don't want to. You can order takeout if that's what thrills you. But you can't come in here and yell at us, when we've done nothing wrong, and make demands for respect when you won't respect us."

Temari took a step back. She stared at her ototo for a moment before answering. "I didn't ask for no respect. But that's exactly what I got. I not only had to put up with your disrespect before I left, it was the first thing I faced when I got back. You sent me on an insulting mission far below my skill level, and then Kankuro had the good grace to mock my pain and refuse to make my day a little easier by doing just one or two little things to change my outlook that no one cared how I felt." She folded her arms. "Now you've gone and ruined it all. I hope you're happy." She turned on her heel. "Because I'm not going to be." She ran from the room.

Kankuro stood up abruptly. "Temari –" He reached out to her.

Gaara grabbed his niisan's arm. "Let her go." He nodded. "If she wants to sulk, let her. This is a time of personal growth for all of us. She's not going to convince me otherwise."

"But she's not sulking!" Kankuro protested. "She's hurt! And she's hurt because of what I said." He ran a hand through his hair. "Jeez. What've I done? I was trying to fix it and I made it worse – again! I didn't know she would react that way to my bantering with her. I thought that would make it normal for her. I didn't see she was going to think I was picking on her."

Gaara pulled him closer and put a protective arm around him. "Then stop beating yourself up about it. It's not your concern. If her feelings are so sensitive that she can't bear to listen to the truth, then she'll have to get bruised until she learns to roll with the punches. That's just the way it goes for shinobi. You either learn or you get hurt."

Kankuro felt his chin trembling. "Yeah? Well, that's how I learned to keep my mouth shut!"

Gaara turned him away from the door and hugged him with deliberate firmness. "Don't do that. Don't blame yourself for what are her problems."

"It's not Temari's problem I'm an inconsiderate asshole!"

Gaara pressed Kankuro's head down onto his shoulder. Kankuro tensed, then realized the implications of fighting his way out of a friendly gesture. He let out a breath and relaxed. Surprisingly, he felt much better as soon as he did. He wrapped his arms around Gaara and hung on.

He didn't think he'd ever been hugged so much in his life. All of a sudden, Gaara was breaking all the barriers of their culture, showing affection in the most basic of ways – with touch – and Kankuro found suddenly that all the arguments he'd been taught to believe about social contact being embarrassing didn't hold water. He just didn't feel that way. He liked it when Gaara hugged him. And he was beginning to wonder if he'd care someone saw them this way.

Gaara spoke quietly. Kankuro felt it through his brother's chest. "Why do you fly off the handle every time Temari accuses you of being inconsiderate?"

"Because I'm made that way, _jan_. I can't handle it."

"I don't believe that."

"Why not? Everyone else does."

"Because you're stronger than that."

Kankuro froze.

"If someone called you a coward, or an idiot, you'd never let them get away with it," Gaara said. "If you thought someone meant that you were a coward or an idiot, even though they didn't say it outright, you would still call them on it and correct them – with your fists if necessary. How come the same kind of words from Temari hurt so much?"

"Because she's my friend," Kankuro said, burying his face in Gaara's shirt. "She's my sister. She's supposed to be on my side."

"But you don't let me say those things either, and I'm supposed to be on your side," Gaara said. "You didn't when I was insane, when I was mad at you. You didn't ever let me say those things. It's only when Temari says those things that you get upset like this." He patted Kankuro's head.

Kankuro imagined that Gaara felt like he was petting a cat. The image was silly, and a little weird, but it made Kankuro smile. "Well, I'm supposed to take care of her."

"Why?" Gaara asked. "Isn't Temari supposed to take care of you, too? Why does it have to be so one-sided?"

Kankuro sighed. "Dad, again. Dad told me – I was razzing on her. I didn't like her very much. When I was younger. And she didn't like me. She'd pick on me, and I'd retaliate, but then Dad would catch me, and he'd make me pay for it. He never saw my side of the story. He only saw Temari's. And she'd say that I made the whole thing up, of course. She got away with it every time, so she always did it."

He took a deep breath. "One time I got caught out pulling her hair. And that was it, man. That was finished. Our old man took me aside and he told me that if he ever caught me doing that again, he'd tan my ass so hard I wouldn't be able to sit down for a week. He said I had to take care of her, and I had to ensure her happiness."

"What?" Kankuro read several levels of outrage in Gaara's soft voice.

Kankuro clenched his teeth. He really didn't want to start crying. "I asked why. He said, 'If you loved your mother, you will ensure her happiness in this world.' Temari's. Her happiness." He fisted handfuls of Gaara's sleeves. "I got the message that her happiness means everything, and mine – my happiness doesn't mean shit."

Gaara patted the back of his neck. "But you know that's not true." Gaara sounded lost. "Your happiness means a lot to me. I couldn't live with your unhappiness. I'd have to fix it."

Kankuro raised his head.

They stared at each other.

"I'm not Father," Gaara said.

Kankuro felt his legs suddenly shaking. He held onto Gaara with all his strength, hoping that his knees didn't buckle. He didn't know his insides could turn into water like this. He'd never felt this way before in his life. _It's like all the strength is sucked out of me. But…I don't feel bad. _His voice was as shaky as he felt. "I guess not."

"Let's do dishes," Gaara said.

Kankuro nodded.

They went into their routine side by side.

Gaara smiled at him. "There's one good thing about this conflict tonight."

"What's that?" Kankuro asked dryly.

"Since Temari didn't cook, she didn't dirty any dishes."

Kankuro laughed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hours**

Chapter 5

* * *

><p>"Let's check on Temari," Gaara suggested. "See if she's willing to talk."<p>

Kankuro followed Gaara upstairs. When Gaara knocked, there was no answer. Undeterred, Gaara opened the door. The door swung open to reveal Temari sitting on her bed cross-legged, facing the wall. She still didn't respond.

Gaara crossed the border of her room, stepping in without making a sound. Kankuro stayed outside in the hall, watching. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. What did Gaara want him to do? Was he supposed to do anything, or just listen? He didn't understand what the point was.

Gaara waited, standing in the middle of the bedroom.

Temari finally broke the silence. "You here to punish me by sending me to bed without any supper?" she asked dryly. "Cause I've already done that."

"I didn't want to cause you any inconvenience by having you take responsibility for your own supper," Gaara said.

Temari continued as if she hadn't heard him. "I thought I would save you the trouble."

Gaara rested a hand on his hip. "I can't understand what this argument is about. Explain."

Temari cocked her head, but she didn't turn around. "When I come home in the evening I want a home cooked meal. Especially after a disaster like how today went."

"So do I," Gaara said. "I cooked it myself."

Temari looked over her shoulder at him. "You can't cook."

"I can now." Gaara met her gaze without any self-consciousness. "Kankuro taught me."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, boy. Another male shinobi who can cook. This town's gonna be full of 'em."

"He can teach you too," Gaara said. "All you have to do is ask him. It only takes about a week."

She gave him a look as if he'd said something insane. "I don't have a week. I'm hungry now."

Gaara folded his arms and raised his eyebrows. "You're going to have to do something. You can't starve to death because you refuse to feed yourself. It's not logical."

She turned all the way around and scooted to the end of the bed closest to him. Temari leaned forward and rested her hands on her knees. "I tell you what. You're gonna have to do something, because if it takes me a week to learn how to cook, I'm not gonna cook anything now. That's a fact. You're gonna have to feed me until I learn how to do it by myself." She glanced towards the door and saw Kankuro out in the hallway. Her lip curled. "That is, if Kankuro is going to be so heartless that he can't feed his own sister."

Kankuro ducked back further into the hall, stung.

Gaara stepped in front of her view, blocking Kankuro from sight. He kept his arms folded and his expression reasonable. "No, we're not. You can feed yourself, whether it's takeout or burnt food. You're going to have to learn what the rest of us can do."

Temari's mouth tightened, and she looked at him seemingly without breathing. Her face turned pale with rage.

Gaara's expression didn't change. Kankuro read sympathy into his brother's stoic mask because that was how he was feeling. He couldn't help but be sorry for his sister. She was getting a tongue lashing, and from someone she hardly knew compared to Kankuro. Gaara continued, "I am not saying this to be cruel. I say this out of concern as your Kazekage. You lack the survival skills to be a jonin."

"What?" Temari yelled. Her nostrils flared.

Gaara didn't flinch as Kankuro did. "You slid along on Kankuro's talents as a cook without considering what you would have to do yourself if you were alone. If you lost your rations, or were delayed somewhere by yourself until they ran out, there would be no way of saving you. You would have to subsist on nuts and berries and other plants, and you lack the training to distinguish the benign from the poisonous. You could end up doing significant damage to yourself just in the course of one day. I am ordering you to learn cooking from Kankuro, because if you don't your survival is at stake."

Temari stood up. She clenched her fists so hard she was shaking. "You…are so full of bullshit."

Gaara raised an eyebrow and said nothing.

Kankuro watched her with wide eyes. He knew the only thing holding her back was that she knew if she started a fight she couldn't win against Gaara. He wasn't sure what he should do. He felt like he should intervene, but…on whose behalf? His loyalties suddenly felt confused. Crossed wires. He wanted to allay Temari's anger, but he wanted Gaara to win the argument about whose responsibilities were whose.

Temari had to talk herself to continue the conversation. "You think you can just come in here and throw around your power as Kazekage, but you're wrong. You don't have the power to settle these fights. You don't have any right to intervene."

She thrust her chin. "If you did, you'd be just like Father. Throwing his weight around because he thinks everyone has to listen to the dog that barks the loudest and bites the hardest. You know how he was, Gaara. If he thought we were out of line, he would just beat us. His children or no. You wanna be like him? You wanna be like him, Gaara?"

She took a step forward. "Every time I step out of line, you gonna beat me? What's to stop me from calling your bluff if you don't?" She narrowed her eyes. "It's a lose/lose, Gaara. You can't win things this way. You can't intervene with your power as Kazekage on a personal issue between two siblings, and you can't enforce your power by violence. I won't buy it."

Gaara's stoic mask revealed nothing. "Then buy the fact that I am your brother and I love you."

The air whooshed out of Temari's lungs as if he'd hit her in the stomach.

"I want you to be happy and you can't be happy the way you are," Gaara said.

Temari stared at him with her mouth hanging open.

Gaara's expression was suddenly sad. "I want you to grow with me, not apart from me."

She recovered warily, taking a step back. "What do you mean?"

"You can't go on being like you were before," Gaara said. "It's not possible. None of us can. We have to grow or we cease to exist. We can't always live in the past, because the past isn't there anymore. It's gone. Just like we will be if we have our feet planted there instead of here in the present." He curled his hands tight. "This is a new era. Come with me. Don't be left behind."

"What are you talking about?" Temari looked afraid of him, the way she used to be when he was insane and ripping the heads off of things.

"You're not a little girl anymore," Gaara said. "Women take responsibility for things. They all have their different ways, and I respect your status as a warrior, but you must make more of an effort to be adult woman instead of a child that is constantly pampered. You can't have it both ways. You can't marry Shikamaru and stay here like a baby."

"Whoa!" Kankuro exclaimed. "No, Gaara, way too harsh! You don't say something like that to her face when –"

Temari went from flabbergasted to raging mad in a second. "Oh my god! Did you go through my things while I was away in Konoha?"

Kankuro almost swallowed his tongue.

Gaara's eyes widened in surprise. "No."

"I don't believe you! I can't believe you did that!" Temari yelled at the top of her lungs.

Kankuro cringed.

She looked from one to the other. "Both of you. How dare you? How dare you do something like that? How dare you disrespect my privacy that way! I would never go into your rooms without your permission!"

Kankuro grabbed Gaara by the arm and ran. He heard Temari's door slam behind them and didn't look back. He only stopped when he was in the workshop and the door was safely bolted behind him. He didn't know any other safe places to go.

"What did I do wrong?" Gaara asked. He gave Kankuro a confused look. "Why did we run away?"

Kankuro raked his hand through his hair and paced. "No, man. You can't say something like that to her face. Not when she hadn't even come out and told us that she liked the guy that much. Did you see her reaction when I tried to tease her about him? She flew off the handle every time. You need to apologize."

"For what?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro ground to a halt and cringed.

"For telling the truth?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro didn't answer. He didn't know if he could form a logical answer Gaara could understand. He gave his ototo a pained smile. "Sometimes you have to sugarcoat things a little bit, _jan_. Just to make them go down easier. It's called being diplomatic."

"I don't want to sugarcoat things," Gaara said. "Temari deserves better than that."

"Better than that?" Kankuro stared at him. "Man, you hurt her feelings."

Gaara shook his head. "I did no more than was necessary. I told her that we understood about her and Shikamaru, and that we couldn't accept her response to cling to her protected status as a little girl. She can't live that way. She needs to learn that. Before…" He looked at the floor.

"Before what?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara said softly, "Before she turns out like me." He shook his head a little. "Like I was. Like I was going to be for the rest of my life if someone didn't snap me out of it." Abruptly he met Kankuro's gaze. "I had Naruto. She has me." He placed his hand over his heart. "I am going to be her Naruto. I am going to save her."

Kankuro stared at him. "I don't know what to say, man. I don't think she needs saving."

"From herself," Gaara said. "She needs to be saved from herself. She is going to wallow the rest of her life in bitterness and demand that everyone else bend over to meet her needs without offering anything in return because she feels rejected."

"Rejected? By who?"

"Our Father," Gaara said. "My guess is that she felt just as rejected by him as you did. He had a way with that."

"But how?" Kankuro burst out. "She got all the –"

Gaara held up his hand, silencing his niisan. "Everything she had, she inherited from our Mother. All the love she experienced wasn't hers, wasn't a source of his reaction to something inside of her, and I think she knew that. She resented it because it was just a way of buying her off and making her feel as though she wasn't there." He clenched his hands. "Like Father did to me. Like he bought me off because he didn't want me to go on a rampage, but he secretly sent men to kill me. Like everyone did. Everyone hated me. They just didn't want me to do anything to them, so they stayed out of my path. They let me have what I wanted for free, because they hated me so much. I think Temari feels the same way."

Kankuro was speechless for a moment. "Then…Then don't you think we should be trying to meet her needs as much as possible? I mean, if she feels neglected –"

"No!" Gaara squeezed his eyes shut. "That was what brought me to the brink of anarchy in the first place. Everyone just stepped out of the way. We need to help her, not make her think that she's still going to get people to buy her off all the time." He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He stared at the floor. "I just need to fix it. I just need to make her understand she doesn't have to be like this anymore. We're not going anywhere. Her independence doesn't mean she is going to be alone. She has us to depend on – forever. We're just not her slaves." He slowly raised his head and looked into Kankuro's eyes. "Does that make sense?"

"Y-Yeah. That makes sense, I guess." Kankuro trailed off. He looked at Gaara uncertainly. "Does that mean I did something wrong by giving in to her whims? Am I going to have to be punished now because I made her pain worse when I should have been helping her get through this?"

"No." Gaara reached out and squeezed Kankuro's arm. "You didn't have responsibility for this. Who really had responsibility for this was Father – and then Baki – but never you. You should've been living your life as a normal teenager. You didn't have to put up with this. We all shouldn't have to put up with this. But that's the way it is." He gave Kankuro's arm another reassuring squeeze. "But we're going to fix it, because we're here, and there's no one else to do it…and we're going to do a fine job. You'll see. Everything will be alright in the end. I promise you this."

"How can you, if you don't know how everything is going to turn out?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara's expression softened. "Because I know. We'll always have each other. And that's what matters the most. We aren't going anywhere. You're not, and neither am I. We'll be here for each other. Like friends. Like siblings ought to be. We'll make it work somehow, because we'll have all the time we can."

Kankuro hung his head, sighing. "I feel so messed up. I feel so responsible." He shrugged. "Like I should've seen it coming. Like, I had the tools to stop her, and I didn't use them, because I thought I was being bullied to be her protection."

"You were," Gaara said quietly. "You were bullied to be her protection without any questions. You were pressured into a role that you were never supposed to be in. Father should have looked after her, like a good father would, not burdened you with the responsibility of making her happy. Only a psychopath would do that. And we know that Father was one. We met him."

"We lived with him," Kankuro added.

"We suffered for him," Gaara said. "And we learned to pay the consequences. I became a psychopath, just like him. Temari grew to be backbiting and selfish. And you…you learned to swallow your complaints and shoulder everyone's concerns. You were looking out for yourself by looking out for everyone else, because you thought you'd be beaten if Father came along and found you wanting. He put us together as a team. He made sure you had to deal with us directly, with the consequences on your head. He made sure you never had a chance to be on anyone else's team and be your own man. As soon as I graduated, he pulled you off your team and put you on ours. Self-esteem was something you never had a chance to build. After two years of freedom, all those chances were gone, your dreams crushed. You had to look out for everyone else now. And it drained the life out of you."

Kankuro looked down at his feet. "I guess you're right. I didn't have a chance to be who I wanted to be. Father said I couldn't, and that was the end of that. I had to be who he wanted me to be. I had to be responsible. I had to do things for other people instead of thinking about myself all the time. And it was horrible. I had panic attacks every week. But I couldn't let it on to anybody, because there wasn't anybody to tell. I was all alone." His vision blurred. "I'd think to myself: I want to be strong, but I'm not. Because I'm all alone. And I don't know who to trust."

"Well, you're not alone now," Gaara said quietly. "You're at home. With us."

"Fat lot of good that does." Kankuro shook his head angrily. "Because in spite of everything I do to look strong, I'm still weak on the inside."

"You have me." Gaara's voice resonated with firmness. "And I will make sure you get strong on the inside. I will help. I will stay with you, no matter what you do. I'm not leaving, and I want you to be healthy."

Kankuro looked at him. "Why?"

"Because you're my niisan."

Kankuro felt his chin tremble. "And you're my ototo."

"I know," Gaara said seriously. "But sometimes niisans need ototos, too. It's not just only the other way around."

Kankuro's voice came out a scratchy whisper. "But is it alright?"

Gaara hugged him. "You're not Father, either."

Kankuro wept. He buried his face in Gaara's shoulder and tried to turn off all the voices in his head that told him he ought to feel humiliated right now. "I've been trying to be. All this time. Since Father died."

"I know," Gaara said. He ran his fingers through he hair on the back of Kankuro's head. "It's time for it to stop."

"I never cried at his funeral, you know. I never tried to be emotional. I just never did it. I don't know why. I must have looked pretty cold…heartless…for losing a father and not crying."

"How could you?" asked Gaara. "You knew you would be taking his place. You couldn't let anything out. You felt too much dread."

"I guess you're right, _jan_." Kankuro's voice trembled too much to pull the punk accent off effectively. He wasn't ready to do that. He wasn't ready to hide again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hours**

Chapter 6

* * *

><p>In the morning, Temari stumbled into the kitchen rubbing her eyes. "Ototo, cook me breakfast."<p>

Kankuro turned around with the pan in his hand, startled, and almost spilled his fried eggs on the floor.

Gaara frowned at him and held up a hand.

Kankuro paused, torn, and shook his head. "I can't –"

Temari yawned and stretched. She looked grumpy. "But I woke up late this morning and don't have time to cook it myself. Ototo – Kankuro – please."

Gaara compressed his lips into a straight line.

Kankuro stared at his brother, caught. He was startled by the appearance of Gaara's anger. To buy time, he turned around and scraped his eggs into the bowl on top of his rice. "I have to get going too. I only have a few minutes to eat before I have to –"

"Why stand on ceremony?" Temari complained. "We both know our boss is sitting right here. He knows why we're late. We're his brother and sister."

"No," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro's stomach clenched. He leaned against the kitchen counter and wolfed down his breakfast, trying to get it done as quickly as possible so he could get away from here.

Temari raised her voice into a plaintive yell. "I'm asking him to –"

Gaara interrupted her at the same quiet volume. "You can't make Kankuro late."

Temari's mouth hung open.

Kankuro froze. A clump of rice fell from his chopsticks and dropped on the floor.

Gaara took the last sip of his tea and stood up, cup cradled in his hands. "Your arrival behind schedule is not Kankuro's problem. Your lateness is your problem." He walked to the sink and washed his cup, setting it in the drain board afterwards. He turned around and faced Temari. "I have cooked breakfast myself and washed all of my dishes. I am going to the office now. I expect to see you there."

Kankuro scrubbed his bowl and chopsticks frantically and then dashed, terrified of being cornered with Temari once Gaara left.

Gaara merely raised an eyebrow at Kankuro's passing and then followed himself at a more sedate pace.

Temari fumed, hands clenched, and stood in their way, watching them go.

Gaara frontloaded Kankuro's day with missions, sending him on three before lunch and then giving him the rest of the day off. When he came home, Gaara was already in the kitchen, puzzling over a recipe. His back was turned, and he stood at the counter leaning over the cooking book.

Kankuro walked over to him and peered over his brother's shoulder. "Miso soup." He clapped a hand down on Gaara's shoulder. "Hey. You thinking of making that?"

Gaara didn't act surprised. He could sense his niisan's chakra, of course. "Yes, but I don't think I know enough about cooking yet. Some of these instructions seem puzzling to me."

"Well, I can help you out if you want," Kankuro said casually.

Gaara looked up at him. "You would?"

Kankuro grinned. "Sure, _jan_. In exchange for some of the profits." He rubbed his stomach.

Gaara smiled. "We split it half and half: half the labor for half the food."

Kankuro laughed. "It's a deal." He gently moved Gaara over so they could look at the recipe side by side.

"Are you sure we have all the ingredients?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro scratched his head. "Pretty sure I restocked after last time."

Gaara tapped the top item on the ingredient list. "What is this…'dashi stock'?"

Kankuro laughed. "Oh, man, we didn't cover dashi? It's like in every recipe in the book!"

"Not any of the ones we covered last week," Gaara protested.

Kankuro reconsidered. "Well, okay, maybe not in the stir fry and stuff. You're right. It's a staple in soup, though." He patted Gaara on the shoulder. "So we're gonna teach you how to make it today."

"Is it difficult?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro smiled at him reassuringly. "Not really." He tapped the page reference and flipped back in the book about twenty pages. "See? Here is the recipe for dashi stock. It's really simple."

Gaara scanned the recipe. "I believe I can do this."

"I know you can," Kankuro said. "You've learned a lot in the past week. Pretty soon, I won't have any more stuff to teach you. You might even end up being the one teaching me!"

"I doubt it," Gaara said, but he was smiling. He turned back to the recipe. "So which one are we making? Ichiban-dashi or niban-dashi?"

Kankuro chuckled. "Well, since we have to make ichiban-dashi to get niban-dashi, I suggest we do ichiban-dashi first."

Gaara rubbed the back of his head ruefully.

Kankuro demonstrated how to get bonito shavings from whole dried bonito. Gaara handled the kombu seaweed by himself, cutting it up into strips.

"We'll store the extra in the freezer," Kankuro said. "So don't worry about it."

Gaara nodded. He set the kombu to soaking. "What else do we need?"

"Don't forget the niboshi. That's my favorite part!" Kankuro licked his lips.

Gaara grinned. "You are like a cat."

"Why do you think my _bunraku_ hood has cat ears?" Kankuro asked, grinning back.

After twenty minutes, when the kombu was done soaking, Gaara put the pot on the stovetop and heated it to a boil. He dumped in the bonito shavings and the niboshi.

"Quick, off the heat," Kankuro said.

Gaara turned the stove off and put the pot back on the counter.

Kankuro patted his shoulder. "You did good, _ototo_."

Gaara smiled at him.

"Now we wait about five minutes and strain this stuff." Kankuro rubbed his hands together. "That presses out all the goodness we'll need for our miso soup."

Gaara looked at the steaming pot of stock and frowned. "How long does miso soup take?"

"Not long," Kankuro said. "Especially if you make it right after dashi stock."

Gaara brightened.

True to Kankuro's predictions, they flew through the process of making miso soup. Kankuro cubed tofu while Gaara peeled and chopped daikon. The still-hot dashi stock quickly came to a boil, and they dumped in their respective ingredients at the same time. Gaara washed the strainer, cutting boards, and knives while Kankuro packaged the leftover dashi ingredients and placed them in the freezer.

Kankuro returned to Gaara's side for the final step. "Now, it's important: Don't boil the miso soup after the miso's in it. Okay?"

Gaara nodded. "Okay." He turned down the heat.

"You add it in slowly. Like this." Kankuro took a bowl and ladled some of their broth into it, then whisked in the miso paste. He returned the miso-impregnated broth to the pot and stirred. Then he added in the rest of the paste in parts. "And done."

"Let's eat," Gaara said.

"I couldn't agree more."

They got bowls and spoons. Gaara just seated himself at the table when Temari came in.

Kankuro turned around, watching her entrance and trying to judge her mood. She stood near the entrance and looked at them with an unreadable expression. Bad.

"I didn't eat breakfast," Temari said.

Gaara lifted his bowl of miso soup to his lips and drank some of the broth. He set it down. "That was your choice."

She put her hand on her hip. "Yeah, but you would've punished me for being late."

"Everything has consequences."

His sister scowled at him. "Yeah, so are you ever going to face any of the consequences of what you're doing?"

Gaara raised a hairless eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Temari turned and pointed at Kankuro. "Hey."

Kankuro froze, his bowl in one hand and the ladle in the other.

"How come you think you can just come in here and steal Gaara's soup?" Temari demanded. "If I'm cooking for myself, then we all have to cook for yourselves."

"But –"

She growled and threw up her hands. "But nothing! What a hypocrite! You think you can benefit from other people's work just because you've been cooking all this time? You did it out of love! If you think you need to be paid for your contributions in the kitchen then you're in the wrong profession."

Gaara stood up and walked into the middle of the kitchen, physically placing himself between his siblings. He faced Temari. "Kankuro helped me make the soup. He is allowed to have some. Specifically, half."

"Half?"

Gaara frowned. "Yes. Half. He did half the work, so he gets half the soup. He knew I did not know enough about cooking to make miso soup by myself, so he offered to help me. We made a deal. He did the half I did not know, thus demonstrating it for me, and I did the half I knew how to do, thus helping him. Togetherness is about teamwork."

Kankuro set down the ladle in the pot and put his bowl beside the stove on the counter. He turned and attempted to slink away. He didn't get past Gaara.

Gaara caught his sleeve without looking at him. "I'm not finished yet."

Kankuro forced himself to stop, knowing that if he tried to make a case for himself he would only make a scene in front of Temari. He stared at their neesan and swallowed, trying to make his resentment disappear and failing.

"You yelled at Kankuro because you took out your anger on him for your situation," Gaara said. "Your situation results from yourself, and only yourself."

"You pushed me to it," Temari said.

Gaara slowly and deliberately shook his head. "When I was insane, I became spoiled not because someone pushed me to it, but because I did it to myself. I felt rejected so I made sure to share my anger with other people."

Temari took a deep breath. "Gaara, this has nothing to do with when you were insane."

Gaara raised an eyebrow. "It has everything to do with this."

She shook her head and made a gesture as if to sweep away the subject. "No, it doesn't." Temari gave him a look of pity. "We're not the same. We are not the same person."

She placed her hand on her heart. "I am not acting out because I seek some sort of revenge against people who I think wronged me in the past. I am not enraged and wishing to share my anger. This has nothing to do with Kankuro or you."

Her shoulders sagged. Then she took a deep breath and squared them again. "I just want what's mine." She looked from one to the other. "You're just not giving me what's fair. I want my fair share back. I want you to love me again." She gestured. "You're treating me like I'm some kind of other – like I'm an intruder. In my own house! I live here and I have always lived here. This place is what's mine."

She clenched her fists. "Just because I want to marry Shikamaru you think I mean to move to Konoha? That's not what's going to happen. I won't go. He'll be staying here. With me. With you. With us!"

Gaara gaped at her.

Kankuro was momentarily speechless, but he soon found his tongue. "If you think that's what's going to happen, sis, then you're wrong. He's not going to move any more than –"

Temari burst out, "Don't tell me what I believe is wrong! I know it's going to come true! I know Shikamaru is going to come here to live with us!"

"You can't have that expectation," Gaara said. He didn't look angry or stern. He was just confused. "If you aren't willing to give up your place in our village, what makes you think that you can expect him to give up his?"

"Because I asked him to!" She crossed her hands over her chest. "Because he loves me!"

Gaara shook his head. "He's not going to move."

Temari reared back, eyes flashing. "What makes you think that?"

Kankuro read contempt on her face and knew she was playing in a dangerous game.

Gaara held her gaze without blinking. "Because he's from Konoha."

Kankuro flinched. _Come on, man. Don't tell it to her like that._

"What?" Temari exclaimed. "What are you saying? Are you saying that because of their traditions? Are you saying that because of their stupid generational team structure?"

"What makes it stupid?" Gaara asked softly.

"Is he going to be so much of a stickler for stupid traditions that he can't move? He has to make me move all the way across the country just to be with his stupid ass so he can look more like a man to his parents? Is that what you're saying to me?"

Gaara remained calm. "I'm not saying it. You did. I know nothing about his parents or what their objections are to you."

Temari flushed. "His parents love me."

Gaara studied her face. "But even so, they want you to live in Konoha. Don't they?"

She couldn't maintain eye contact and turned it into a different gesture by rolling her eyes. "So now you're a fucking mind reader."

"Shikamaru's parents are looking after him to ensure his best interests," Gaara said.

"They're keeping him down!" Temari snapped. "They're just telling him what to do, when they have no idea what his –"

"Parents have to tell their children what to do," Gaara said. "That's their job, isn't it? Why would we have parents if we couldn't rely on them to give us advice?"

"But this isn't advice. It's badgering!"

"It comes across that way when what they are telling you to do are not your desires," Gaara said. "But in reality, they are doing their best to govern you."

"So we had a stellar dad." Temari curled her lip. "We are better off without him!"

"Maybe so," Gaara said. "But part of his problem was not paying attention to the proper things. He actually hurt us through inattention, focusing on the wrong subjects of our lives, and not by trying to improve us through his vision of 'improvement'."

"How can you say that?" Temari asked. "Look what he did to you! I mean –" She bit her lip.

Gaara shook his head. "I have made peace with the fact that Father used me as an experiment to protect the village. I have no more bad feelings, no more hard sentiments towards that man. I have let them go. I think you need to do the same thing."

Temari made an angry sound through her teeth. "Yeah. You could say something like that. When Dad came back to life, he actually acknowledged you. He treated Kankuro and me like we were dust on the ground. We didn't even exist for him. He only wanted to talk to you. His 'experiment'. His greatest love."

Gaara frowned. "I don't think –"

"You were his only child." Temari gave him a burning look filled with resentment.

"How can you say that?" Kankuro protested. "He loved you more than he loved anybody else."

Temari turned on him. "You should know he spent more time on Gaara than me! He was always obsessing about Gaara."

"But none of it was good," Gaara said.

Shivers ran through Temari's body. "So what?"

"Attention matters," Gaara said. "So does the type of attention. If the only kind of attention you receive is solely damaging, then the only effect of that attention is negative."

"Still, he loved you the best."

"He called me a failed experiment," Gaara said frankly. "I do not think those are words of love."

Temari faltered. "Those are words of frustration, maybe, but you can't deny how –"

" – much time was spent on me?" Gaara asked dryly. "I don't intend to. For all that attention, I almost turned out a monster. You are going down the same path for having had no attention – a perceived lack that put you down the path of bitterness. Tell me: If his attention is so important, why does the absence of it have the same effect as the abundance of it?"

Gaara didn't give Temari a chance to answer. His eyes flashed. "The answer: It doesn't. The man's attention and perceived affection has nothing to do with our problems at all. We do. We react to what we think we see, and then we act upon this illusion as if it is the truth. We see what we expect to see, regardless of the circumstances, and until we can train ourselves to be wary, we will buy into it, lock, stock, and barrel. You can't assume that his attention to me had anything to do with loving. You can't assume that that says anything about you. He did love you. If you want to know why Kankuro acts the way he does around you, you should know that he saw a father who loved you more – not me, not Kankuro. Kankuro perceived you as receiving our Father's favoritism, and acted accordingly in order to assure himself a place in Father's heart: he sought to protect you, thereby pleasing our Father, and so gain more attention."

Temari's voice trembled. "So Kankuro doesn't love me at all."

Gaara's eyebrows went up. "I didn't say that."

"You didn't have to." She turned on her heel and left.

Kankuro thought he glimpsed tears.

Gaara stared at the place where their neesan had been, looking stunned. "Why does nothing I say translate to her?"

Kankuro rested his hand on Gaara's shoulder.

Gaara gave a start and looked up at him.

"It's not your fault, _jan_."

"It isn't?"

Kankuro offered him a smirk. "Nah. She's just a pain in the ass."

Gaara turned his head and looked at the empty spot in the kitchen again, preoccupied. "What would Naruto do?"

Kankuro sighed. "I don't know, man."

Gaara tilted his head. "He would have some magical way of getting through to her. Some insight, that I wouldn't even think of."

"Just drop it, man."

Gaara's grow furrowed. "I want to know what I can do to stop it."

Kankuro raised his eyebrows. "It?"

"Temari's decision," Gaara said.

Kankuro paused. He took a deep breath. "Well…Maybe you can't."

Gaara looked at him incredulously.

"I hate to say this, but it might be the truth," Kankuro said. "If she's determined to be unhappy, there's nothing we can do about it. We'll just have to make the best of it – by ourselves."

"But I don't understand."

Kankuro rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I know. You don't have to. You just have to accept that there may be nothing you can do, and that that has to be alright. That's got to be alright, or you'll be unhappy too." He squeezed his ototo's shoulder. "And trust me: I don't want that."

"I don't want that, either," Gaara murmured. "I just thought there was some way to help her."

"Well, maybe there is, _jan_. Maybe you just have to stay out of the way."

Gaara frowned. "Stay out of the way?"

Kankuro turned away and belatedly started slopping soup into his bowl. "Look at it this way: if Shikamaru's parents have such an objection to her, then maybe they won't be married. Once she figures out that they're never getting together, she comes running to us, and then we can play a supporting role. But other than that, she's lost, man. She wants things to turn out her way, and she is convinced they will. Until Shikamaru's family proves her wrong, we can't get in the middle of this. There's just no room for us when everybody's already fighting."

"Maybe you're right," Gaara said.

He smirked. "I know I'm right. That's why I offered the free advice."

"But I still want to help." Gaara looked up at Kankuro questioningly. "Naruto would still help, even if he thought someone didn't want his help, wouldn't he?"

Kankuro gave his brother a look. "Yeah, _jan_. But Naruto's an idiot."

Gaara snorted. He looked away, smiling faintly. "You have a point. For all that I admire him, sometimes it is best not to follow his example. A hero can still be flawed."

Kankuro nodded in approval. "Now there's using your head."

"But if I stay out of her way, what does that look like?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro blinked.

"For us, I mean," Gaara said.

Kankuro tried to think. "For us?" He scratched his head. "I'm still not sure I know what you mean."

"How can I stick up for you without getting in Temari's way?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro stared his brother. Every time he forgot how blunt Gaara could be about his desires and wishes, something like this would pop out of his ototo's mouth and remind him. "Well, uh…I don't know." He turned and picked up his bowl from the counter. "To be really honest with you." He slurped some broth. It was mostly cold. He debated with himself about whether or not to reheat it somehow.

Gaara had a moment of reflection. "I'll think of a way."

They ended up reheating their soup together and finally sat down for lunch.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hours**

Chapter 7

* * *

><p>Kankuro blew off some steam. "Man, Shikamaru of all people. I can't understand that." He ate a piece of tofu from his bowl of miso soup. "He's the guy that wouldn't even fight her unless he was tossed down into the ring. You remember that, right?"<p>

"But once he was motivated, he defeated her," Gaara said. "He had the superior strategy."

Kankuro made a face. "I saw how that fight went down. He was totally –"

Gaara raised his eyebrows.

Kankuro choked on his next piece of tofu. He pounded his chest and then hung his head, wheezing. "Alright. Okay. I might be a little biased. But still, I never liked the guy. He's too…whiny."

"He does less of that now," Gaara said. "Ever since he learned to take on more responsibility, he has become invested in the outcome of all of this."

Kankuro looked away, furtively going back to his soup. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"I am trying to tell you that as far as Temari's choices are concerned, there are worse men," Gaara said.

Kankuro groaned.

"She likes him," Gaara reminded him.

"I can't see why."

"I know," Gaara said. "Because he's not like you at all."

Kankuro choked again. He pushed his bowl aside. "Maybe I just shouldn't eat this right now."

"If you want to live through this, probably not," Gaara said, deadpan.

Kankuro sighed and crossed his arms. "What? What is your point, Gaara? Spit it out."

"You haven't dated anyone in months," Gaara said.

Kankuro scowled. "So?"

"You've been too busy pleasing Temari."

That assessment set his teeth on edge. If he really were a cat, his hackles would be up and his tail would be thrashing.

Gaara took a sip of broth and said calmly, "She's not your wife."

"You've been talking to Baki about me," Kankuro said in exasperation.

"Baki has been concerned all along about the dynamic you and Temari have," Gaara said. "Everything you have told me so far implies that Baki has good reason."

"Baki doesn't –"

"Baki isn't afraid to tell us things to our faces," Gaara said. "The rest of the villagers, yes. Our teacher, no. He has been a help to us. He made us work extra hard so we could prove ourselves and not lose face in front of the villagers. We made good on our ancestry because of him. Otherwise we would have been spoiled brats this whole time and not have any talents."

"Aren't you laying it on a little thick?" Kankuro asked. "I don't think we'd be talentless slobs if it weren't for him."

"Maybe," Gaara said. "But he has invested in us. You cannot blame me for giving him some credit for the way we've turned out, or for listening to his advice."

Kankuro sighed and looked down at the table. "No."

"So please understand that when Baki complained about the dynamic between you and Temari, I did nothing until you complained yourself," Gaara said.

Kankuro's head snapped up. "What? When did he tell you about his assessment of our relationship?"

"As soon as I became Kazekage," Gaara said.

"What?" Kankuro exclaimed. "But that was –"

"Two years ago," Gaara said. He folded his hands. "I waited for evidence. I waited for evidence that you were unhappy and that Temari was abusing you."

"Abus –" But the protest died in Kankuro's throat. He stared at Gaara unhappily.

"Baki objected on the grounds that Temari made you a woman in order to neglect her responsibilities," Gaara said. "His opinion is obviously rooted in the old ways of thinking, so I could not take his assessment seriously solely upon his objection that you know certain life skills."

Kankuro smiled wryly. "Thanks for that."

"I know you are proud of being able to clean and cook," Gaara said. "I would never discourage that."

"But?"

Gaara tilted his head. "You're obviously not happy."

Kankuro sighed. "No, _jan_. I'm not. Every time I get a girlfriend she turns out to be like Temari. Emotionally manipulative and sadistic."

"Why is that?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro shrugged, not looking at him. "I don't know. Maybe it's because I seek her out, _jan_. That's what you're saying, isn't it? That I just recreate me and Temari every time?"

Gaara nodded, looking at Kankuro warily. "Do you hate me?"

Kankuro's head snapped up. "What?"

Gaara chewed his lip. "Do you hate me for telling you?"

"No, man!" He shook his head rapidly. "No. I'm glad. You're looking out for me. I know that. I just –" He took a deep breath. "I just didn't wanna hear it is all, and you knew that, so you were scared, but I'm okay. I really am. I admire your honesty."

Gaara still looked vulnerable. "Then you won't be angry with me for telling you that I think you want to date Temari, and that's why you don't like Shikamaru?"

Kankuro hesitated. He didn't know what to say. He ran a hand through his hair. "No, man. I mean…" He sighed. "I don't wanna date Temari, man. That'd be weird. We're siblings and all. And she needs somebody other than me. But it makes me feel weird when I try to be that way around other girls and they don't like me."

"What way?" Gaara asked. "You mean, treating them like you've always treated Temari?"

"Yeah, _jan_. I thought that if you really loved a girl, you'd treat her like a princess. Like she was too precious to be doing any work, and you'd have to do everything for her just to make her comfortable in life. I thought that's what a girl really needed. You know?"

"Because Father said it was," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro nodded. "Yeah." He looked at his soup. "Bet this is cold again, huh, _jan_?"

"Probably." Gaara gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry."

Kankuro shrugged. "It's alright, man. It can stand to be reheated again. It's just soup."

"You smothered them."

Kankuro stared at his brother. "What?"

"You smothered them," Gaara said matter-of-factly. "They grew angry with you because you wouldn't let them contribute their fair share of the work. That makes people angry. When you won't allow enough space for them to live. You need to give people their half of the responsibilities in order to make them happy."

He looked at Gaara hopelessly. "But I don't know how."

"You did it with me," Gaara said.

"That was a fluke, _jan_!" Kankuro threw up his hands. "I don't know where to begin to ask a girl how to take her share of responsibilities. Every time I look at her – any one of them, man, take your pick – I think: I can't hurt her. I have to make her happy. I have to do everything right or she'll go away." He dropped his hands. "She'll just…go away." He shrugged and looked away. "You know?"

"You're afraid of being abandoned for being inadequate," Gaara said.

Kankuro looked at him.

"I understand that," Gaara said. "I think we all have the same fear. I think that's why Temari refuses to learn how to cook and clean with you around. She's afraid of being inadequate, next to you. She won't even try it. I think to get her to learn how to cook we're going to have to leave her alone and give her enough privacy to make mistakes without feeling mockery."

"So I can't cook, and I can't clean anything, because I make my girlfriends feel like they're not womanly enough," Kankuro whispered. "Because I'm so much better at it than they are. Right?" He felt sick. He didn't want to eat anymore.

Gaara looked alarmed. "Kankuro…"

He rested his face in his hands. He didn't have the energy to keep his head up. "So Temari was right. It is my fault. It is me, it was me, all along. I scared them away, or I made them feel unneeded. I didn't do too little for them. I did too much. And now they don't like me anymore."

Gaara shook his arm. "Kankuro…listen to me."

He didn't respond. He couldn't. If he said anything he'd cry, and he'd been weak enough around Gaara already. He was supposed to be the niisan, damn it. He was supposed to be the strong one for Gaara, not the other way around. He was just making a fool of himself.

"Niisan." Gaara's grip tightened on his arm.

The anguish in his ototo's voice made him look up. A tear escaped his self-control. He wiped his cheek with the back of his hand and smeared his kabuki paint. "I don't know how to be any different. I don't know how to do it so they can't hate me. I'm just a –" He abruptly stood up. "I'm just made this way! I just want to help. After all this time, I can't stop! I don't know how to act any different than I am when I'm with Temari!"

Gaara jumped out of his chair and tackled Kankuro around the waist. He buried his face in Kankuro's shirt. "Niisan, don't be angry with me. And don't be sad. I don't want this to hurt you anymore. I want you to feel better. You can't change what the past was all about. You can only make a new future." He fisted the back of Kankuro's shirt. "So make a new future. Make one with me. You can leave Temari behind if you want. You just have to want to be better, without her around all the time to tell you you're a bad person. You can do it."

"I don't know if I want to leave Temari behind," Kankuro said, bewildered. "That'd be a really bad thing, wouldn't it? She'd feel abandoned."

"She has Shikamaru," Gaara said. "Let her go to him."

"But I don't want her to –"

"Because you think that he can't provide for her the way you can," Gaara said, looking up at him. "You think Shikamaru doesn't know how to treat a princess."

Kankuro felt utterly defeated. He looked into Gaara's eyes for a moment. "You're right, _jan_. I don't. I think he's a big screwup and he can't put out the energy it takes to make Temari truly happy. I'm just trying to protect Temari's interests –"

"Which are unrealistic," Gaara said. "If she wants to keep Shikamaru she's going to have to compromise. She doesn't know that yet. But she'll figure it out soon enough."

* * *

><p>Gaara and Kankuro were discussing what to make for dinner when their sister walked into the room.<p>

Temari grinned at them. "I just ordered takeout. So no one has to cook tonight." She held her hands out palm up as if she had just given them a great gift.

Kankuro watched her warily.

Gaara raised a hairless eyebrow.

"I guess this means we don't have to cook?" Kankuro said, testing the waters.

Temari tossed her head. "Yeah. Since it's been so much trouble for everyone lately, I just thought I'd take the pressure off and make it a little easier on everyone."

"Very considerate," Kankuro said dryly.

Temari smirked. "Thank you." She flopped down in a chair at the kitchen table. "You can pay me later."

"What –"

She burst out laughing. "Just kidding, bro. I had to. The look on your face! Priceless." She swept the imaginary debt away. "Nah. The food's on me. Don't worry about it."

Kankuro blinked at her. _How come she's so back to normal suddenly?_ "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Temari nodded. "I figured you'd appreciate the night off."

"How come you're so happy?" Kankuro asked.

Temari tilted her head. "Can't I do anything for my family?"

Kankuro held up his hands. "No – I mean, I appreciate it. I didn't mean to make it sound like you didn't love us or anything. I just meant – This is a surprise."

She nodded in satisfaction. "Thought it might be."

Gaara met Kankuro's eyes and shrugged.

"It's also a celebration," Temari said.

"It is?" Kankuro asked. "For what?"

Temari grinned and produced a letter. "Shikamaru actually asked me to marry him."

"What?" Kankuro stared at her.

She reclined in her chair and folded her arms behind her head smugly. "Yeah. He's been waiting all this time to get his parents' blessing, and now he has it. We're going to be married."

Gaara raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't he have to wait for your answer before he can be sure of that?"

"He knows I'll say yes," Temari said. She looked at Gaara curiously. "Why wouldn't he?"

Gaara shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you make sure of it? I have a mission someone needs to run to Konoha. Why don't I send you?"

"Would you?" Temari asked.

"Of course I would. You're my sister. I care about your well-being and happiness," Gaara said.

"Thank you, Gaara." Temari looked at him with wide eyes. "Based on your behavior, I thought you'd be angry with me if I wanted to go to Konoha again so soon."

"You can take a week off once you're there if you like," Gaara said. "All I needed from you was to run a message. It is important that this message not fall into the wrong hands, but other than that, it is a fairly easy mission for someone like yourself. Why don't you enjoy yourself while you're over there? I can handle things for a little while without you."

Temari looked pleased, and totally thrown off her game. "Thank you, Kazekage-sama."

Gaara smiled wryly. "You're welcome, Temari-sama."

She laughed. "Okay, I get it. You're not my boss right now, you're my brother."

"I'm both," Gaara corrected. "I just want you to balance the two."

She shrugged sheepishly. "I'll try. It's just weird for me to have my little brother be where my dad used to be, you know?"

Gaara said, deadpan, "I could have said the same thing if you had become Kazekage."

She snorted. "Yeah, but I would have been a crap Kazekage. Then you'd have had to complain about me there, too. Not just a rotten sister but a bad leader."

"I don't think you're a bad sister or a bad leader," Gaara said.

"Then what's with all the heat lately?" Temari asked.

"You are doing something that I don't think you should," Gaara said. "Bad behavior is not necessarily characteristic of a bad person, and I don't think you are. I think you're flawed. We all are." He spread his hands. "I said some things earlier that I should not have said, because they hurt you. The words I said hurt you. I should not have said what I did, when what I meant was not the same as what you heard."

"Apology accepted," Temari said dryly. "Now, if you can just keep from belaboring the point indefinitely, we can get somewhere. What would you like to say that I didn't hear earlier?"

"Kankuro shows his love to you in the way that Father told him to," Gaara said.

Temari raised an eyebrow. "Why didn't you say this to me earlier?"

"Because I didn't know that I would wound you by using the words I had chosen," Gaara said. "I did not mean that Kankuro only does what he does because he had to. I meant that he only does what he does because that is how Father told him to show that he loves you. Kankuro thinks that the only way to prove he loves you is to do all of the chores that support you without asking for anything in return."

"But that's not true," Temari said. She turned to Kankuro. "You had to know I didn't make you do it because I thought you'd love me less if you didn't."

Kankuro swallowed and faced her down. "That's not what you said."

"When?" Temari demanded.

"You said I should cook dinner to love you again," Kankuro said.

Temari raked a hand through her bangs in frustration. "That's not what I said! Okay? You heard me wrong."

"I didn't," Kankuro said. "You said wrong."

"I was perfectly clear," Temari said. "I said you should love me again because you ought to respect me again. By quitting on me in the middle of the week when I have a million other things to do besides cook, laundry, and clean dishes, you put me in the lurch! You made it harder on me to get through the week for no reason other than your selfish desire to show me that you didn't have to do what I told you to do." She stabbed a finger at him accusingly. "When, if you remember in the beginning, you volunteered. I didn't ask you to do anything."

"I volunteered because –" Kankuro sensed the heatedness of his words and swallowed them. He couldn't bear to say them. He couldn't face the consequences.

"He didn't volunteer," Gaara said, stepping in. "Father forced him to. It looked like volunteering because you didn't know the whole story."

"Then why didn't you change and decide not to do it after Dad died?" Temari yelled at Kankuro. "I would've been fine with that! You didn't have to knock yourself out to prove anything to a corpse! He was dead!"

Kankuro flinched. "I didn't wanna be alone. I thought if I didn't do your laundry and stuff, you would leave me."

Temari glared at him. "Is that what you think? Really? That I would leave you?" She pursed her lips in annoyance. "Then our bond as siblings means nothing, I guess."

Kankuro's jaw dropped. "But –"

"You thought I would leave you. After Father died. And we were all alone." She cut her hand across the air. "What kind of monster do you think I am?"

"You are hardheaded," Gaara said. "Not a monster. I doubt we would be having this conversation now if I had not brought it to your attention repeatedly beforehand that we needed to talk."

"By arguing with me to my face?" Temari asked dryly.

"It got your attention, didn't it?" Gaara replied.

Temari rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "Alright, fine. But what do you wanna talk about? How bad a person I am? How bad Father screwed Kankuro up? Because I already know all of that. I was there. Unlike you."

"Then you must have noticed that he can't get a date because you're too demanding of him around the house," Gaara said.

Her mouth opened and stayed that way.

Kankuro felt himself wearing a similar expression. "Holy shit, Gaara, that's so not cool!"

Gaara turned his gaze on Kankuro. "What's so not cool about it? You told me the truth. I'm just agreeing. I know Temari will too. You're a horrible dater because Temari made you think women are demanding and want everything from you, when most women I have observed want to contribute to their husbands' lives by cleaning and cooking dinner. That's the norm. Temari is asking for things in a relationship for herself that are atypical for her culture. As long as you think you need to find and please a woman like her, you're never going to find anybody. Temari's concept of manhood scares women away."

Temari progressively blushed with each new idea out of Gaara's mouth until she was bright red. "Gaara…"

Gaara turned to her. "Yes?"

"You really are an idiot sometimes." Temari looked bewildered. "That's not what men want. That's what men say they want. What men want – what men need – is a strong woman. Someone who can pull their own weight instead of being a weight around his neck. Shikamaru told me so. Shikamaru is relieved that I am nothing like his mother."

Gaara just blinked at her.

Kankuro sighed. "As dumb as it sounds, Temari…Sometimes, I do feel the same way. I do get to feeling like I'm overachieving and overbalancing my life by dating, because I do want her to be happy, and I don't want to be a dumb male who keeps expecting her to do all the cooking and cleaning at home. I thought all girls would be like you. When we were first starting out on your own, you threw a fit because Baki reprimanded you for not knowing 'the skills of a woman'. I mean, we were all spoiled. We'd all had servants. None of us knew how to do anything. But he picked on you because you were a girl, and that was unfair. He singled you out. I just took your idea too far. I thought that if a girl I was dating had to do any cooking and cleaning it was unfair. You told him no one should ever have to do anything just because of their sex organs."

Temari stared at him, her blush fading. "That's…not what I meant. I just thought you liked cooking and cleaning, and I wanted you to do it if that's what you liked. I didn't want you to be bullied, and I wanted to give you some space. I'm just not that into it. That's true. But I'll do it if I have to. You've known that. You've eaten something I've cooked before, when you were sick or injured and stuff."

"Yeah, and I'm surprised I recovered," Kankuro said. He made a face, hoping to lighten the mood.

Temari laughed. "Yeah, me too. That's why I don't cook. I kill people. I mean, I do. Professionally. We all do. That doesn't mean I wanna kill people at home, too."

"The reason you were angry when you returned home from Konoha is because we suggested changing something," Gaara said. "You were unprepared for that, even if we were reacting to events happening around us, like your imminent marriage announcement."

Temari shrugged. "I guess you're right. I mean, I just don't want things to change around here. You're always going to be my ototos, and I want to save that."

Gaara furrowed his brow, looking confused. "How do you save that which cannot be threatened? We are your ototos, true – but nothing can make us biologically not your siblings. Nothing can take away the bonds as brothers and sister we have created. We have been on the same team, fought the same wars, gone through the same tests together. We have been and always are going to be siblings."

Temari sighed. "Yes, I know. But I don't want this to change." She gestured at the room in general. "I want this to stay forever. That is why I want Shikamaru to come live here. He can't understand the way we feel about each other here until he comes to live here. And then he'll understand why I can't leave. Trust me."

"Things will change simply by having your husband live with your siblings," Gaara said.

"Why?" Temari asked despairingly. "Why do you think that? Why do you keep saying that to me? Why will things change? Why will they have to, if none of us want them to?"

Gaara glanced at Kankuro and said, "You are assuming that none of us want anything to change. Kankuro and I do."

Temari stared at him. She whispered, "What do you want changed?"

"We want more space for Kankuro to be himself," Gaara said.

Temari looked to Kankuro.

Kankuro nodded.

Temari's expression hardened. "Don't just nod at me. Talk to me."

Kankuro took a deep breath. "I'm…not…" He almost backed down, but then he decided to say it. "I'm not happy."

"My god, Kankuro, none of us are happy. Not all the time."

"I'm not happy," Kankuro said. "Most of the time. And…And you are. Because you don't do the things I do."

Temari raised an eyebrow. "Like?"

"I get up in the morning, and I make breakfast. Then, I make lunch from dinner leftovers to send with you and Gaara to work, as well as something for myself. When I get home, sometimes I have time to take a shower, but if I don't – which is often – I go straight from the front door to the kitchen and start making dinner. When that's done, I do the dishes – by myself, unless Gaara decided to help me – and check on laundry. I have time for my puppets in theory, but most of the time I just go to bed. When I wake up in the morning, I do it again."

"You make it sound like you have no free time," Temari protested.

"When you factor in laundry, house cleaning, and shopping, I don't," Kankuro said.

Temari stared at him. "Then why don't you ask for help? You know, it's a pretty prideful thing to do, to carry an entire house by yourself."

"I didn't think I had a right to," Kankuro said. "A problem we were just discussing. So you know the answers, Temari. I did it because I thought I had to."

Temari wiped her forehead. "Okay, I'll think about it." She turned to walk upstairs and looked at them over her shoulder. "You know, you talk about abandonment issues and Kankuro, but I think I have 'em, too. I just don't want anybody to leave as soon as I'm gone for a day or two. You guys really freaked me out when you changed the rules."

"Sorry," Kankuro said.

She held up her hand. "Good night."

"Night," Kankuro said.

As soon as she was gone, he realized he felt weak enough to collapse where he stood. _Why? Why did that conversation take so much out of me?_

"You look pale," Gaara said.

Kankuro took two steps to a chair and collapsed onto it. "I feel like tofu." He made a wiggling gesture with his hands. "All…jelly and stuff."

"She really scared you, didn't she?" Gaara looked concerned. "Or else you would not be affected this way."

"I guess," Kankuro said. "She looked like she was going to just get angry and stay angry again. I don't know how you managed to talk her down. But you did." He smiled up at Gaara weakly. "Thanks, man. I really appreciate that. I didn't think I could take much more of her yelling."

Gaara walked up to him and patted him on the shoulder. "I care about you. I didn't want you to get hurt. You're my niisan."

Kankuro snorted ruefully. "A wreck of a niisan, but I guess if all you've got are knockoffs, then –"

Gaara's expression turned serious. "I want you the way you are. You're not a knockoff. You're my Kankuro, my niisan, and I will protect you."

Kankuro looked away, a little intimidated by the weightiness of this conversation and definitely embarrassed by it. He patted the hand Gaara rested on his shoulder. "Okay. I'm your niisan, and I love you too. We can protect each other."

Gaara nodded.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hours**

Chapter 8

* * *

><p>Temari left in the morning, and Kankuro gave her a bento box he'd put together for the trip as a kind of apology for all the trouble lately. She hugged him after accepting the gift.<p>

Kankuro stood in the middle of the kitchen, milling around. They'd gotten up earlier than usual to see her off, and now he had too much time before work. He didn't feel like eating, and he didn't really feel all there.

Gaara nursed his green tea and poked at his ramen noodles, looking similarly pensive.

"Are things really going to change?" Kankuro asked. He didn't want to speak, didn't want to end the silence that settled around them, but he couldn't help himself.

Gaara looked up at Kankuro quizzically.

Kankuro wanted to back down, but he felt compelled to continue. "Or is it just going to be more of the same?"

His brother tilted his head.

Kankuro sighed. "You don't know what I'm talking about."

Gaara shook his head.

Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. "Okay. There was this kid at school. You didn't know him – I mean, I didn't either, I wasn't friends with him or anything – but he had this phrase, and it got stuck in my head. He said, 'Same shit, different day.'" He made a face.

Gaara nodded. "Oh…Like 'the day on the right is like the day on the left.' I've heard that one before."

Kankuro smiled wryly. "Right, but that one has less appeal to kids with a preference for profanity. When the teacher was around, he said it, 'Same situation, different day,' though. He wasn't stupid."

Gaara's smile quickly faded. "What is this about? Is this about Temari?"

Kankuro shrugged. After a moment, he admitted, "Yeah, man. I mean, I know it is. I just…don't want things to be the same, day after day. And it feels like it is. I do something to try to make her happy, and it does for a little while, but then…she comes back to me with a new complaint. Shikamaru seems to make her happy, and since we talked about why I didn't feel happy for her, I guess I'm okay with it…" He chewed his lip. "But now I'm afraid it won't work. What if she comes back to me and says Shikamaru doesn't make her happy anymore, and it becomes my responsibility again?"

Gaara got up, crossed the kitchen, and squeezed Kankuro's arm. He looked his niisan right in the eyes. "It will never be your problem again. Ever."

Kankuro wondered how his brother could be so confident.

* * *

><p>Kankuro worked through his missions of the day thoroughly, competently, but mindlessly. He felt as though he were sleepwalking, waiting for something to happen to wake him up. He realized he hadn't slept well last night, though he didn't remember any dreams, and when he got home, he was already exhausted.<p>

He followed the sound of a knife against wood into the kitchen and saw Gaara at the counter, chopping cabbage for a yakisoba meal. He could tell because the other ingredients were already in bowls and a package of fresh noodles from the market was lying out.

"Good evening," Gaara said without turning around. "I am trying out a new recipe. I think it will be easy after learning miso soup."

Kankuro gave him a tired smile. "Yeah, _jan_. It's basically just stir fried vegetables and meat with noodles. You've done that kind of thing lots of times before."

Gaara turned around and waved him towards the table with his knife. "Sit down. Please. I can handle this."

Kankuro found himself sitting at the kitchen table with his elbow propped up, resting his chin in his hands. He knew he should be happy – happy that he put in another day's work and was still alive, happy that he was home and didn't have to worry about making dinner. But he hurt, somehow on the inside where he couldn't quantify it.

"Is it all wrong?" he asked finally.

Gaara looked at him inquisitively but didn't offer a response.

Kankuro sighed. "Is it all wrong, what I did? Because I didn't think I could stop. Temari said I could have stopped. I could've stopped at any time and she wouldn't have been annoyed with me. But I didn't. And because I didn't, I let her think that I liked it. And then when I said I didn't like it, I hurt her feelings. She thought she was being punished for something. She got mad. And then when I tried to take it all back, she wouldn't let me. And she just kept badgering me about it. And now, when I make her something and I give it to her, she's all happy with me again, but I don't know if I did the right thing. Was it wrong to give her a bento for the road? Is that all I did? Or did I collapse my entire attempt to get her not to treat me like I'm some servant instead of her brother? Do I have any right to feel that way? Do I have any right to be annoyed?" He looked up at Gaara, lost. "I don't know. I just don't know, _jan_."

"This could be about anything, about any situation, between any two people," Gaara said. "If you are confused, move it into a different context that you do understand."

"But how do I do that, _jan_?" Kankuro asked. "It's so ingrained. I just can't think clearly enough to make a decision about what it is or isn't like."

"Then think of it this way," Gaara said. "What if you were the woman and she were the man?"

Kankuro huffed. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "Then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on, _jan_. I'd just be whining about not doing my job."

"Do you really believe that?" Gaara asked. "Do you really believe that there would be no difference?"

"If the situations were reversed, if I were Temari and she were me, I would be looking after my little brother because I had to, because we had no mom left. And then she would be leaving all her dirty clothes lying around and not picking up the dishes and not making dinner, because she was the little brother and she doesn't have to do any of those things. And then I would get in trouble for saying I don't wanna do it anymore."

He noticed Gaara was looking at him strangely and stopped. "What?"

Gaara gestured. "Did you notice that whatever position you put Temari in, she had the power? When she was your little brother in this scenario, she didn't have to do anything because she is the little brother. But in her situation currently, in her real life, she is the older sister who doesn't have to do anything because your father told you to take good care of her. Do you see what I mean?"

Kankuro chewed his lip. "I…" He shook his head. "No, I don't."

"Why wouldn't you be the protected older sister if she was the younger brother?" Gaara asked. "Why wouldn't she be the one charged with your survival, because you would literally be her: the one Father asked you to protect?"

Kankuro stared at him. "I have no idea."

Gaara leaned back, satisfied. "That's because you can't imagine Father actually protecting you."

Kankuro felt a hard, cold ball suddenly knot in his stomach. "What are you saying?"

"You don't think Father loved you, so you don't think Temari does either," Gaara said. "Or me."

"But I know you love me!" Kankuro protested. "That was never in question, ever since the –"

"Ever since the day I stopped being insane anymore," Gaara said quietly. "I know. But you still don't take that knowledge into your heart. You still stop it from getting there by being too hard on yourself and by getting upset when you think you haven't upheld the perfect standard of a niisan to an ototo. You still think you've failed and that you deserve punishment. You still expect things to go wrong."

Kankuro swallowed a lump in his throat. "I do. I expect you to get tired of me, and to leave. Cause in the end, I'm not really that great." He looked away, unable to stand the pressure of meeting Gaara's gaze.

Gaara knelt in front of him. "You're not perfect. I don't want you to be. If you were, you couldn't love a flawed person like me."

Kankuro stared at him. "Oh, Gaara. I'll always love you." The lump in his throat got worse. "Even if I were perfect."

"No." Gaara shook his head. "A perfect person wouldn't be able to understand my mistakes or my redemption. A perfect person would fear me for being unpredictable – imperfect. They wouldn't be able to stand me. Much less love me the way you do, Kankuro. You need to accept that no one is perfect, and this means we should all have mutual empathy for each other's mistakes. We should all be like Naruto. We should forgive and try to turn each other around from the darkness."

"Naruto does it right, huh?" Kankuro glanced at him.

Gaara nodded.

"How does he feel that he failed to save Sasuke, huh? What does a guy like Naruto do then?" Kankuro asked.

"He cries," Gaara said.

Kankuro stared at him.

Gaara looked back. "And then he moves on. That's all he can do. He might make a mistake next time, and then he will cry again. And move on. He can't stay down. He will have to pick himself up. Because he is strong. He is a leader. Like you."

Kankuro started in surprise. "What? Uh, no." He looked away. "Like you, you mean."

Gaara squeezed his arm. "Like you, too. You keep getting back up. No matter how painful you think it is going to be to meet the next challenge, you still go on. You stand up. You're like Naruto."

Kankuro snorted, but he wasn't laughing. "That is ridiculous. No way am I like that kid. He's done things I could never hope to do."

"But you're genius level," Gaara said. "Just like him."

Kankuro shot Gaara a glare. "Don't get your wires crossed. I'm not a genius level. Neither is Temari. You're the only one here who qualifies for that title."

Gaara stood up. "I am not. You are a genius level shinobi, too. Temari's the one that fell behind."

"I thought you said we were equal, _jan_." Kankuro scowled.

"You are of equal rank," Gaara said. "And you fight each other into a standstill. But don't you think that's only because Temari puts out her maximum effort when fighting you? If she could fight opponents like you all the time, she would grow as a warrior instead of getting left behind by the both of us."

"I –"

"I have the latest data about your power levels on my desk," Gaara said. "I know the facts. I just couldn't explain in a succinct way earlier that you're actually more powerful than she is, because you can't bring yourself to use your full power against her. Your experience doesn't reflect the facts."

"So what's your point, jan?" Kankuro demanded. "That I oughtta just beat Temari up and be done with it? Cause that's not gonna happen!"

"No," Gaara said. "That wasn't my point." He smiled.

"Then what?"

"I love you so much because you are like Naruto. I admire you because you are like him. You took care of me even when I was evil, when my thinking was dominated by Shukaku and I hated everyone, but you thought one day I might be able to turn around. And I did it, only because of you. When I said I wanted to be Kazekage, you took my dream seriously and you supported it. No one else would have done, not even Temari. No one except Naruto would have done that. You are like him."

"But –"

Gaara shook his head. "There is nothing you can do to change my feelings about that. You will always be a hero to me, because you were there for me, even before I knew I needed you."

"Gaara, man, it's okay." Kankuro looked away. "You don't have to thank me."

"But I want to," Gaara said. "Let me help you the way you helped me before."

Kankuro reluctantly looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Yeah? How?"

"You want to be married and have kids someday," Gaara said.

"Well, yeah. What about it?"

"You think that your main source of inferiority compared to Temari is that she is doing it and you can't."

"And?"

"Let me help you," Gaara said. "Let me teach you how a girlfriend should really work."

Kankuro held up his hands. "Whoa, man. Are you saying you wanna be my girlfriend? Cause I don't think that's gonna work. Hold on a sec."

Gaara's eyes widened. "Girlfriend? You thought I was saying – Why?"

Kankuro protested, "You said –"

"I wanted to show you," Gaara said. "I wanted you to practice with me. So you could get the hang of it before you go out again."

Kankuro looked at him suspiciously. "I don't know…That still sounds kinda gay to me." He ran a hand through his hair. "I mean, to be perfectly honest. I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but that's a weird idea you've got there. That would look really awkward if anyone found out you were subbing for my girlfriend until I got a new one. I mean, think of how it sounds, _jan_."

"I know," Gaara said. "That's why I sent Temari away for two weeks and I'm not going to tell anyone."

Kankuro studied him. "Really? You're not going to open that big mouth of yours in a council meeting or something and say something embarrassing just because you think it's a good example of what you're talking about that day?"

Gaara held up his hand. "I promise I will keep it a secret. This is between you and myself, and no one else. I won't even let Temari know."

The breath whooshed out of Kankuro's lungs. "Okay. Good. I was worried about that. She would mock the hell out of us, man."

"I know," Gaara said. Then he went back to cooking dinner without another comment about it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hours**

Chapter 9

* * *

><p>Kankuro woke up and came downstairs. Gaara, as usual, beat him out for first one in the kitchen.<p>

"Okay, Gaara, it's Day One of the Fake Girlfriend Project." Kankuro stopped in the middle of the room and looked at his ototo. "What do we do now?"

Gaara frowned. "I am not your fake girlfriend. Please take this seriously. I want to help you learn how to coexist with someone without feeling pressured to put yourself in a role that requires you to do everything by yourself." He stood up from the table.

"Sorry, man." Kankuro blinked, taken aback. "I didn't mean to give you a hard time. I know you're trying to help."

Gaara smiled gave him a little bow. "Apology accepted. It's alright. I know this makes you uncomfortable."

Kankuro gestured at the kitchen in general. "So who does what?"

"We do it together," Gaara said. "We are going to be living by teamwork." He went over to the refrigerator. "What would you like for breakfast?"

Kankuro bit his lip. "Well, actually, tamagoyaki – but I like the sweet kind and that's really difficult, so I'll make it myself. You shouldn't have to worry about it too much."

"Is there something else I can make?" Gaara asked. "How about rice?"

Kankuro nodded. "That'd be nice."

"Do you want any nori?" Gaara asked.

"Sure. Thanks."

Gaara nodded. "And I'll make you some tea. Do you mind making a tamagoyaki for me, too?"

"Of course not." Kankuro gave him a surprised look. "Er…sweet, or savory?"

"Savory, please."

Kankuro got out the eggs and started cracking. At the same time, Gaara operated the rice steamer. Kankuro had to admit to himself that he really liked working side by side with Gaara in the kitchen. He felt a lot happier about it than being in the kitchen alone. And he didn't have to dash around – he had an extra set of hands helping him complete all the dishes he wanted to make.

Twenty minutes later they sat down at the table together with their folded egg omelets, nori rice balls, and tea. Kankuro sipped his tea. "Man, I have to admit this is really nice. Usually when I'm cooking breakfast in the morning I have to rush it, but this way I get a real meal and a stress-free start. Thanks, ototo."

Gaara dipped his head. "Don't mention it." He ate a nori rice ball and then investigated his tamagoyaki. "Thank you for making me my omelet."

"It wasn't any trouble," Kankuro said. "I already had the pan out and everything. Man, it's not even worth it lugging out that stupid square pan for one tamagoyaki, _jan_. I'm glad you wanted one. I just wanted one really bad this morning. You know usually I just fry an egg at the last minute and dump it over my rice."

Gaara nodded. "I know."

Halfway through the meal, Kankuro caught himself looking at Gaara speculatively. "Is this what you're saying it's going to be like, _jan_? Having a real girlfriend and all?"

Gaara sipped his green tea and looked at Kankuro with wide eyes. "Why?"

Kankuro leaned back in his chair and shrugged. "I don't know. Because I like it. I don't believe it, but I like it, _jan_. I want it to happen this way."

"But why won't it happen this way?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro sighed in frustration. "Because I'm not this good with other people. I get all…awkward and stuff." He shrugged his shoulders. "I know it doesn't make any sense, because when I'm in front of a crowd, I'm essentially fearless." His grin came and went. "But corner me with one girl, man, and I'm outta there. It scares me to death."

"That will fade with time," Gaara said.

Kankuro gave him a look. "You think so?"

Gaara nodded.

They finished eating breakfast, washed the dishes together, and left for work.

Kankuro felt very odd standing in front of Gaara a few minutes later as a team leader and not as a pseudo boyfriend, being handed out jobs. Gaara, however…there was not a single crack in his brother's stoic mask. He wondered if that should make him relieved or worried.

But, after all, Gaara was only doing this to prove a point. It wasn't like they had an actual romance going on that resulted in favoritism and awkwardness, or workplace drama possibly impacting the future of Suna. That was all random soap opera garbage he'd collected in the back of his head over the course of reading too many of his girlfriends' manga. Real life didn't happen like that. Brothers didn't fall for each other and hide their forbidden passion from the cold, unfeeling world.

For one thing, gross.

For another, Gaara was nice, not delusional. He just had a bit of socialization to catch up on.

* * *

><p>After reporting back from his last mission, Kankuro was grateful to go home. He'd had two difficult missions to deal with – not only because they were tracking quarry, but because one of the jonin under his leadership proved disagreeable. The guy chose to gripe about how they shouldn't waste their time.<p>

When he came through the door, Gaara was waiting for him in the hall.

"Is this going to be your routine now?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara nodded. "It's only right to meet your loved one after a hard day of work. You need to feel appreciated and noticed."

Kankuro rocked back on his heels. He regretted it, but his response to embarrassment was to make a joke about it. He wasn't sure he could help that in this situation. "So what are you going to teach me about being a boyfriend today, _jan_?" He grinned. "How to hold hands?"

Gaara looked confused. "I didn't have anything in mind. I thought we would keep doing what we were doing before."

Kankuro couldn't help but be relieved. "Sounds good to me, _jan_. Did you pick something out for dinner?"

Gaara nodded and walked to the kitchen. Kankuro followed him. His ototo retrieved the recipe book from the counter and brought it over. He held the book open to the right page and lifted it up for Kankuro to read.

"Which one?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara looked down at the book upside down, hesitated, and then tapped the top of the left page.

"Orange chicken?" Kankuro raised an eyebrow. "Are sure you wanna do this tonight? It's a lot of work."

Gaara tilted his head. "Is it too much work for two people?"

Kankuro blinked. "No."

"Is there some other problem?"

He scratched his head. "I don't have any objections, but…"

"Orange chicken is my favorite." Gaara smiled shyly. He lowered the book and closed it on his thumb to keep his spot.

Kankuro stared at him. "Your favorite? I didn't know that."

Gaara shrugged. "It never seemed important. I never wanted to make a big deal out of it; I will eat whatever food is set in front of me. I've never understood why some people want to have their favorite foods all the time. I think it makes the experience less special."

Kankuro couldn't help but smile at that sentimental logic. "Well, okay, let's make you orange chicken, then."

Gaara's expression didn't change, but his eyes lit up with excitement. "Thank you." He took the cookbook back to the counter and set it down open. "We need two pounds of chicken breast. Do we have that?"

Kankuro came over and joined him at the counter. "I know the recipe says chicken breast, but I prefer dark meat chicken for this recipe. It's more flavorful, and it generally retains more of its juices. What do you think, though? Would you object to dark meat in your orange chicken?"

Gaara shook his head. "I trust you. Do whatever you think is best."

"Alright. Well, I can cut the chicken while you get out the dried red chiles. They're in the cupboard over there." Kankuro jerked his chin in the right direction. "You have to seed them and soak them in warm water first before using them in the recipe."

"Okay." Gaara got out the package of dried chiles. "How many do we need?"

Kankuro glanced at the cookbook. "Uh, five. Man, it's been a long time since I tried this recipe. Oh yeah, and it says to cut them up into thin strips, _jan._"

Gaara smiled at him. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

He was still cutting up chicken when Gaara finished the task of preparing the chiles.

"What next?" Gaara asked.

"Uh, well, we're going to need some minced garlic, ginger, and orange zest," Kankuro said. "That's what's going to give the chicken its flavor." He finished cutting the chicken and scraped it into a bowl. Then he took the knife and cutting board to the sink and washed them up to avoid cross contamination. He looked at Gaara over his shoulder. "You could do that while I get all the stuff for the sauce together."

"Shouldn't I be making some rice?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro snapped his fingers. "You're right! That's absolutely right."

Gaara nodded. "I will start rice and then mince the ingredients for you."

Kankuro squeezed his shoulder. "Thanks, man. No rush, remember? Just take a deep breath and relax. We're not going to race to eat at a particular time."

"Okay."

Kankuro whipped together the sauce while Gaara read off the ingredients he was mincing. "One teaspoon orange zest. Two cloves of garlic…One inch ginger."

A second later Kankuro felt something hit him and looked down. He found a piece of garlic on the floor.

Gaara's mouth fell open. "I'm sorry. I was trying to smash the garlic like you showed me before, and it just slid around under the knife, and I guess I shot it at you."

Kankuro laughed. "It didn't hurt or anything. Don't worry about it. That even happens to me sometimes. Garlic's slippery." He shrugged. "That's just the way it is. Dust it off and try again."

"Okay." Gaara picked the garlic off the floor and tried again. The garlic very obviously went splat, forcibly shedding its skin and letting out oils all over the cutting board.

Kankuro nodded. "There, see? You could do it alright." He patted Gaara's arm. "I knew you could. It just takes practice."

"I never know how much force to use," Gaara said. "I don't want to break the cutting board or the knife."

"Yeah." Kankuro smiled ruefully. "I know you'll get the hang of it."

Gaara wiped the minced garlic off the knife with his finger and dropped it back onto the cutting board. "What do I do with it once I'm done? Do I put it in with the chicken?"

"Nah. Just set it aside. We'll worry about it later."

"Okay."

Kankuro walked by the recipe book, glancing down at it. "Now comes the frying batter. Believe it or not, it's mostly water."

Gaara looked at him with wide eyes. "Water?"

"Come here. I'll show you." Kankuro got the flour, corn starch, and baking soda all in one armload. "Could you get me an egg from the refrigerator?"

Gaara nodded. "Sure." He brought the egg and set it down beside Kankuro's other ingredients. He watched the process standing by Kankuro's side.

Kankuro whisked everything together rapidly, with half a cup of water from the sink slowly added in. "See?" He tapped the whisk clean and then rinsed it off. He left it in the sink for later.

"That was quick," Gaara said.

Kankuro nodded. "It's all the little ingredients that get you in this recipe. It's like miso soup that way."

"Ah."

Gaara heated up the wok with some coconut oil, enough to create a pool.

Kankuro brought the bowl of chicken and the bowl of batter side by side. "I'm going to batter the chicken and throw it in the wok one by one, okay? It's going to be your job to fish them out once they're ready."

Gaara stood ready with the tongs. "I can do that."

Kankuro nodded. "Okay, go!" He battered each piece of chicken and dropped it into the wok as fast as he could. He wanted all the chicken to cook evenly. He had to stop because the wok was getting filled up. "Okay, it looks like we've got two batches here."

Gaara smiled.

"More for you later, then? Is that what you're thinking?" Kankuro teased.

Gaara looked away and blushed a little bit.

Kankuro laughed. "That's okay, it's all yours. I don't like it as much as you do. You said it's your favorite food."

Gaara nodded.

They fried two batches of breaded chicken bites and laid them aside on plates with newspaper underneath to soak up the excess oil.

"Now for the stuff you set aside before," Kankuro said, washing his hands at the sink. "You might wanna add a little more oil to that wok. We used most of it up on the chicken here."

Gaara followed Kankuro's advice.

"We're just gonna stir fry the ginger and garlic until it smells nice, okay?" Kankuro said.

Gaara nodded. "I understand."

After the ginger and garlic was done, they added the chiles. Gaara tossed around the chiles until they could smell the spiciness coming out, and Kankuro added the orange zest. Then they added the chicken back in, as per the instructions. Gaara made sure to quickly stir them around before Kankuro dumped in the sauce he'd made.

"The rice is done, I think," Gaara said.

"I'll get it! You keep stirring that chicken."

They came back together at the table at the same time, Kankuro with a bowl of rice, and Gaara with the bowl of orange chicken. Gaara was grinning.

Kankuro couldn't help but laugh at the exhuberant expression on his brother's face. He didn't know if he'd actually seen Gaara show that much happiness before. "That was awesome!"

Gaara nodded.

Kankuro patted him on the arm. "Let's eat."

"I agree," Gaara said. "I'll get the chopsticks. We can eat it family style."

"Sure we can," Kankuro said, sitting down at the table. "If you promise not to steal all my chicken."

Gaara turned around quizzically.

Kankuro grinned to show he was joking.

Gaara relaxed, letting out a breath, and smiled back. He returned to the table with their chopsticks.

Kankuro took the pair Gaara offered. "Thanks, man."

Gaara seated himself at the table next to his brother instead of directly across. He plucked a piece of orange chicken from the bowl with his chopsticks and raised it to Kankuro's mouth. "Try it."

Kankuro instinctively pushed Gaara's offering away with his chopsticks. "Whoa. Seriously: no."

Gaara's face fell. "What did I do wrong?"

"You don't feed a man like that," Kankuro said.

"How do I feed him, then?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro stared at his ototo. He wanted to slap his forehead at Gaara's response, and really, if it were anyone but his ototo, he'd be sure this was a prank. "Like…not. At all. You're a guy."

Gaara frowned down at the piece of orange chicken he'd picked up. "I did something wrong, then."

Kankuro sighed. "Well, yeah. I mean, I don't hate you for it or anything, but that was plain weird. I understand you're trying to show me what a great girlfriend can be like, but, man, you're not. You're my ototo. You don't go around popping pieces of food in my mouth. It's weird."

"I'm sorry."

Kankuro kicked himself a little bit. Why couldn't he have just played along? "Nah, man, I'm sorry. I made it sound like I wasn't having fun or anything. But I am. Honest. I swear. I just…didn't expect you to try to feed me. Not literally, _jan_."

Gaara looked up at him. "It's really okay?"

"Of course it is."

"Well, I still want you to eat the first piece. You helped me so much today."

Kankuro gave in. "Alright, fine. I'll honor your request. Since it is actually a reasonable one, I guess, as long as you don't feed it to me yourself." He picked out a piece from the bowl, blew on it, and ate it.

"How is it?" Gaara asked hopefully.

Kankuro grinned. "Really good! Phew. I love that spice. It's my favorite part."

Gaara reluctantly ate the piece of chicken he'd picked out for Kankuro. He smiled in spite of himself. "Okay. I agree that this is good chicken." He looked into Kankuro's eyes. "Thank you for making this with me, niisan. It really is special to me."

"Don't mention it," Kankuro said.

Other than that weird faux pas, they enjoyed their meal. Kankuro still wondered what Gaara was thinking, though. It was so hard to tell. While it was a gesture he'd have expected from a first date situation, there was no reason why Gaara should have known that. After all, Gaara had never dated anyone before. His ototo really could have no idea what romance was. So it was just a fluke, that's all. A weird circumstantial occurrence that had nothing to do with the fact that Gaara's plan for rehabilitation was pretending to be his girlfriend.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hours**

Chapter 10

* * *

><p>When they finished dinner, Gaara helped him collect the dishes. "Do you want to wash or dry?"<p>

Kankuro smiled. "You know, I think I'll wash for a change. You gave me such a nice break the other week that I hardly hate it at all."

Gaara smiled back and traded places with him.

Kankuro talked over the rush of hot water. "I don't really get what it is you think we're supposed to be doing, but I am enjoying myself, _jan_. I think I like getting all this help around the house."

"It's only natural," Gaara said. "You deserve more help around the house than you've been getting." He dried a plate and set it in the drainboard.

Kankuro looked down at the other plate he was washing. "Yeah…It was weird at first, though. I mean, really weird. I felt like I was doing something wrong by asking other people for help." He let out a sigh. "And then you made me feel so good about it I just…didn't care anymore, _jan_. Is that okay?" He lifted his head and handed the plate off to his brother. "I mean, is it okay to essentially take you for granted?"

Gaara gazed back at him, looking deep into his eyes instead of at the plate he was drying. "You couldn't take me for granted if you wanted to. You don't know how. You value people at a visceral, core level that most people can't even approximate. You care, Kankuro. You really care. About all of us."

Kankuro didn't know what to say. He started on the gooey orange chicken bowl. "Kay."

Gaara nudged his arm. "I mean it."

"I know you do."

"But?"

"But why?"

Gaara took his arm and forced Kankuro to look at him. "Because you're special. You are very special to me."

Kankuro was suddenly hypersensitive, aware of every particle of light, every sensation, every pulse of air against his skin. He stared at his brother, more than taken aback. In the grip of an epiphany. They were alone in the house and Gaara was acting like this. He could feel Gaara's scrutiny as palpable beams of inquiry, scanning him and examining every hair, every pore of his skin. He didn't know what to say or do. His mouth went dry.

Gaara dropped his gaze. "That is what a girlfriend would tell you. A girlfriend who really loved you."

"Gaara…" Kankuro could breathe again, but he didn't know what he was supposed to do. Say something about how he felt? Keep his crazy observations to himself?

He took a deep breath. _I mean, he can't be doing this on purpose. It's not possible. He's just – He doesn't know what he's doing, that's all. He thinks he's being nice. He likes being close to me. That's all this is. It's just bonding time. Kankuro and Gaara bonding time. Like it oughtta be. His crazy rehabilitation scheme is messing with my head._

Calmed down somewhat, he was able to continue the dishes.

Gaara resumed the duty of drying the dishes. "I just wanted you to know so that you could look for a girlfriend who loves you. If she can't make any declarations of love, then she probably doesn't feel anything for you but friendship and is just milking it because you are a good provider."

"Gaara…" Again, Kankuro didn't know what to say.

Gaara looked at him. "Kankuro?"

"Ototo," Kankuro said dryly. He shook his head slightly.

Gaara's face lit up with a tiny smile. "Niisan."

Kankuro sighed in exasperation. "What?"

"Word games." Gaara looked at him curiously. "I like word games. Give me another one."

Kankuro looked at his brother suspiciously. "Weirdo."

"Crackpot," Gaara said. His expression was serious.

Kankuro turned back to his work. "Marathon."

"Runner."

"Shogun."

"Vicious."

Kankuro raised an eyebrow.

"Would you like a turn?" Gaara asked.

"What?"

"A turn responding," Gaara said.

Kankuro shrugged. "Okay."

Gaara glanced at him, and then became engrossed with drying dishes. "Flower."

"Rose," Kankuro said.

"Freedom."

"Wishes." Kankuro frowned.

"Helpful," Gaara offered.

Kankuro gritted his teeth. "Wisdom." He was frustrated by the lack of logic in that answer, but he couldn't help himself.

"What's wrong?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro shrugged, scowling. "I don't know why that came to mind."

"Do you think maybe it's because you're always so good at helping people?" Gaara asked. "You see helping others out as a form of wisdom."

"You're right," Kankuro admitted.

"I do, too," Gaara said. "I want to help you out because it is the wise thing to do. As Kazekage, I don't want any of my people to suffer, and I see you suffering. I want you to have a happy life, free from pain. Anything I can do to ensure that, I will do."

Kankuro squeezed his shoulder. "I know you will, ototo. I know that's what you'll do. Because that's sweet of you. And that's how you are – around me, at least. You're very sweet. Why is that?"

"I told you," Gaara said. "You remind me of Naruto, and I admire that. That was the real reason."

"I'm just not comfortable with that," Kankuro protested. "You keep making allusions to a guy I'm not even like!"

"How do you know you aren't?" Gaara asked. "I don't think you know yourself at all. I think you think of yourself as someone not special, someone not made for happiness, but someone dedicated to some kind of duty that prevents his stature from being respected by other people. I want to change that. I don't think your beliefs are healthy. You are important to me."

"But for all the wrong reasons!" Kankuro exclaimed. "I'm just a screw-up under all this paint, trying to hide my face so no one sees how desperate I feel!"

"I see it in your eyes," Gaara said quietly. "You're not hiding it from me at all."

Kankuro swallowed.

Gaara put his hand on Kankuro's chest. "I know how you feel, and I don't hate you at all. I love you, and I want you to know I love you, and not some vision of you that you've tried to portray so that you don't get picked on as much."

Kankuro shook his head. "You can't possibly see that side of me. If you did, you'd slap me across the face. You wouldn't be able to look at me without doing that if you knew. If you knew the depths of my cowardice, the depths of my self-hatred. You wouldn't be able to stand me if you knew what I've lain awake thinking some nights. I can't even begin to comprehend how you could still stand to look me in the eyes after some of the things I've done and felt."

Gaara set down the dishcloth and frowned at his niisan. "I don't think I would hate you."

"I cried because Temari pulled the tail on my cat and made her go off running, screeching at the top of her voice. She laughed about it and I cried. She pushed me down and called me a crybaby. I was angry, and hurt." He took a deep breath. "And I told on her to Father, he came in and I told him what she had been doing, and he slapped me." He touched his cheek, staring at the sink. "He just slapped me right across the face. He said that if he didn't see me straighten up and make a man out of myself, he was going to disown me. Send me away someplace where he couldn't see me. So that I couldn't make myself a disgrace in public." Kankuro gripped the edge of the sink. He hadn't remembered that in ages, and he wondered why it was so painful now. The memory pulsed hotly under his skin, like some kind of live creature trying to get out. He felt nauseous.

Gaara tightened his hands on Kankuro's arms. "I don't think you are a disgrace. I think Temari was cruel and she deserved to be punished for her abuse to that cat. You didn't do anything wrong by being upset that your pet got tortured."

"But what girl is going to want a man like me? I'm just a guy full of broken memories and bad habits. I feel like a walking landmine! No one is ever going to understand me – not when the cultural norm is to be so strong you don't have any feelings. And so hardworking that you put an ox to shame. I just can't do it!" Kankuro put all of his fears on the table, shaking with horror. "At the end of things, every girl is going to get to the bottom of me and find out there's nothing left! Nothing except a little boy crying about his cat! And they're going to hate me."

Gaara hugged him tightly. "I don't hate you. I don't hate you at all. I think you're wonderful – just the way you are. Kankuro doesn't have to be a brave warrior all the time. He can be my niisan. He can be –" His voice dropped to a whisper. "He can be my special person."

Kankuro bit down on a sob. "You have no idea what that means."

Gaara looked up at his brother. "Yes, I do! I love you and I want to cherish you and I want you to be with me forever, so we can enjoy each other's company without anyone getting in the way."

"You can't keep me company that way when–"

"Yes, I will!"

"No one will let us –"

"They'll have to." Gaara frowned in determination. "I am the Kazekage, and I'm not going to let them see it anyway."

"Gaara."

"I'm not going to let you be lonely anymore," Gaara said. "I was lonely. I know how that felt. I am not going to let you suffer like that. I am not alone, because you are here, and now you need me to be with you so you aren't suffering in the same way. I am not going to back down because our culture tells me not to love you in the way that you need love the most."

"And what way is that, _jan_?" Kankuro asked, forcing a smile.

"The selfless way," Gaara said. "The unconditional way." But was obvious to Kankuro that his brother held something back.

"I see." Kankuro paused, thinking about what to say. He didn't know what Gaara was thinking, and making any assumptions could be disastrous. Nothing could hurt Gaara's feelings more than an accusation that his love was wrong. "I guess you'll do what you've gotta do."

"Kankuro…" Gaara took his hand and squeezed it. "I want you to be happy. Don't be sad anymore."

"I'll try. I'm trying. I promise." Kankuro sighed. "It's not like I wanna be miserable, _jan_. Things just always seem to turn out that way." He took his hand back, though reluctantly. "Well, good night."

Gaara nodded. "Good night, niisan."

* * *

><p>Kankuro noticed that Gaara wasn't there at lunchtime the next day, but he had no idea what his brother had been doing until he came into the kitchen to start dinner and saw a box on the table. It was a gift box with a green ribbon.<p>

Gaara stood leaning against the counter, watching him.

He gave his brother a look of misgivings and reluctantly approached the table. "What's this?"

"It's for you," Gaara said.

Kankuro lifted up the little box. "A present?"

Gaara nodded. "Loved ones often give each other presents – especially if they are boyfriend and girlfriend."

Kankuro narrowed his eyes at his brother. "Yeah, _jan_, but I always thought it was the man who was supposed to give presents to the woman. Are you saying I'm the woman here?"

Gaara looked surprised. "I've seen female shinobi give their boyfriends presents before. Especially on holidays."

Kankuro scowled. "Yeah, well, which holiday is this one, _jan_? Make Kankuro Feel Better Day?" He pulled off the ribbon and lifted up the lid while he spoke. "Because I don't think that's a real –" He glanced in the box and stopped short. For a moment, all he could do was stare at the contents. "Mochi."

Gaara gave him a guarded look, but explained, "I went into a shop I remembered from when we were children. Miyagi-san said that you used to like getting the mochi."

Kankuro swallowed. He had the beginnings of a lump in his throat. "Yeah." Suddenly, he looked up at Gaara. "Did you know Temari used to make fun of me about this?"

Gaara froze.

Kankuro took that as a 'no'.

"I didn't mean to bring up bad memories for you," Gaara said. "I just wanted to surprise you."

Kankuro sighed. "Look, you didn't do anything wrong, _jan_. I'm not mad at you or anything. I just didn't expect to find mochi in here. I mean, I used to sneak in there sometimes after Father died and buy myself a piece of mochi. But I stopped doing it because I was afraid Temari would notice." He chewed his lip, angry. "Notice I was getting fat."

Gaara protested, "A piece of mochi isn't enough to –"

"It's ludicrous. I know. But I really thought she could tell. So I stopped. Because I didn't wanna be made fun of anymore." Kankuro lifted up a piece of mochi from the gift box. "If I ate this, she'd never know I'd done it. She wouldn't notice a thing." He stared at the candy in his hand.

"Then why don't you eat it?" Gaara asked quietly.

Kankuro didn't know if he wanted to laugh or throw the box of candy at his brother. "Because I think she'd tell! I think she would smell it on my breath or something."

"If you ate it twelve days before she comes back?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro smiled caustically. "Yeah, I know it doesn't make any sense. But that's how I feel, _jan_. She used to make fun of my body by saying I was getting 'doughy' and calling it the mochi's fault. Her favorite candy was umeboshi." He hesitated, unsure why he'd had to tell Gaara that. Then it came to him. "She used to say the vinegar flavor meant it wasn't fattening. I hated pickled plums. She'd say she could eat as many of them as she wanted and she'd never be fat, but if I kept eating mochi I'd look like a steamed dumpling."

Gaara walked over and squeezed Kankuro's arm. "That's not true. No matter how many pieces of mochi you ate, it would never make you fat because you work too hard. Temari's candy isn't any less fattening than yours. Because umeboshi is pickled doesn't mean it's not preserved fruit. If that were all she ate, she would be very sick."

"Sometimes she did get stomach aches," Kankuro admitted. "She would throw temper tantrums about it and refuse to eat dinner. Father was less than pleased with this behavior."

"See?" Gaara looked into his eyes. "Father didn't always approve of what Temari did. There are cases of punishment that you have probably never heard of because he didn't do it around you."

Kankuro looked at the mochi in his hand, weighing the risk against the reward. "I never thought about that."

"Maybe he didn't like Temari's predilection for sweets, either."

Kankuro looked at Gaara, surprised. "Father never said anything about my eating habits."

"It was just Temari?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro felt defensive for some reason. "Well, he never stopped her. He never told her to cut it out – and he sure as hell never told me I wasn't getting fat. He just let it happen all around him. He was there at the times when she would do this. He endorsed her by keeping silent."

Gaara squeezed his arm again. "Father was not the type of man who would interfere in his children's disputes. He wanted us to be independent and to solve our own problems. He kept his opinion to himself because whatever happened had to happen, in his own mind, between you and Temari. He would not have interfered."

"But that's ludicrous!"

Gaara hugged him from the side. "I know it is. But I can't change what happened in the past. I can only tell you what I know now. Father wasn't the type of man to stick up for you, but I am. I will make sure that no one makes fun of you for eating candy. You deserve a treat."

"Well, there's not much I can say to that, is there, _jan_?" Kankuro grumbled. In spite of the hurt feelings the memories stirred up, he grudgingly admitted to himself that Gaara made him feel better. He popped the piece of mochi in his mouth and chewed.

Gaara watched him intently.

Kankuro blushed, tried to talk, and had to swallow. "Do you mind?"

Gaara blinked. "What?"

"I can't eat this if you're watching," Kankuro said. "It makes me feel embarrassed."

Gaara's eyes widened. "I'm sorry. I'll turn around." And he did.

Kankuro tapped him on the shoulder. "Not what I meant, ototo."

Gaara looked at his niisan over his shoulder. "What did you mean?"

He almost laughed and rolled his eyes instead, smiling. "I'll put it upstairs in my room. I'll eat it later. Okay?"

Gaara turned around and looked at him solemnly. "You will?"

"I will!" Kankuro held up his hand. "I promise."

Gaara smiled. "Okay."

Kankuro poked him in the chest. "I'm doing this to please you, you know."

Gaara's smile widened. "I know. You're a very nice brother."

Kankuro sighed. He didn't know how to grapple with all this sweetness. He went upstairs, deposited Gaara's gift on his bed, and came back down to the kitchen. He crossed his arms. "So what am I supposed to do for you, _jan_?"

"Make dinner with me," Gaara said.

Kankuro rolled his eyes. "But I always do that."

Gaara nodded. "I know. And I appreciate that. It makes me feel special."

Kankuro gave up. He helped Gaara make scallops and stir fried vegetables.

Over dinner, he said, "Look. You're gonna hear a lot of bad stories about Temari. But I don't mean anything by it, okay? I think Temari is a wonderful person. I couldn't have asked for a better sister. This is just me being a baby, but I guess I had to get through being a baby in order to be a man women would appreciate. I mean, that's what you're saying, right?"

Gaara swallowed his mouthful of rice and set down his chopsticks. He stared down at his plate, looking upset. "No."

Kankuro stared at him. "No what?"

Gaara shook his head. "I don't think you're being a baby. Temari hurt you. You've got to face that, or you won't start feeling better about yourself. You think that everything Temari said is true, and unless you tell me what she said and I can say it isn't, you'll keep on believing it until it tears you apart."

"But Temari didn't mean to hurt me, _jan_. She just did. We were all kids."

Gaara lifted his head and pinned Kankuro with an intense glare. "I don't care why she hurt you or not. The only important thing is that she did, and I'm going to fix it."

Kankuro held up his hands. "Okay, _jan_. Calm down."

Gaara stabbed his vegetables irritably. "I'm sorry. I just don't like it when people hurt my Kankuro. I hope you can appreciate that and not hate me for reacting."

"I understand, _jan_." Kankuro looked at Gaara with concern. "But I don't want you to be hurt because I am. That's poisonous. I don't want to spread it around."

"You have to," Gaara said. "You have to share the pain to make it go away. And you're not being poisonous – you're not hurting anyone or anything. You're just telling me how it is – how it was between you and Temari."

"Well, she wasn't a very good person." Kankuro dug into his meal again. "And neither was I."

"As was I," Gaara said quietly. "We were all bad people. No one is going to single you out as being the bad person. We all had problems we weren't overcoming."

Kankuro sighed. "I guess that's true."

"But what?" Gaara asked.

"But I feel like I don't have any right to bring it up again." Kankuro looked at Gaara pleadingly. "I mean, it's the past, right? I should let it be the past."

"When you can bring the past into the present without reliving it, that's okay," Gaara said.

Kankuro stared at him. "What?"

Gaara gave him a confused and earnest look. "When I talk about being insane, does that mean that I have failed to let the past be past? Or do you think such acknowledgements are okay?"

"I don't mind it, Gaara." He set down his chopsticks again, knowing they were having a serious conversation and he wouldn't be able to eat during it. "Why would it bother me?"

"Then you can mention the past without violating your code of conduct," Gaara said.

"Yeah, but only if –"

"Only if what?"

Kankuro felt trapped. He realized he'd walked into Gaara's trap somehow. He looked down at his plate. "Only if it doesn't bother me. If it's over. But nothing about Temari and me is over. It doesn't feel over to me. It feels now. It feels like it's still happening every day. Only I'm not supposed to be talking about it." He buried his face in his hands. "I'm really screwed up."

Gaara reached across and rubbed his arm. "But it doesn't have to be this way. If the past is happening now, then you can't violate your rule of keeping the past the past, and if it is the past, and it doesn't bother you anymore, you can talk about it. There is no circumstance you can come up with in which talking about what bothers you about Temari should be off limits. You should talk about it, because it makes you feel better. You wouldn't want to share it if you didn't feel better after you did so."

"I don't want to hurt anyone."

"You're not," Gaara said. "You're not hurting me."

Kankuro hesitantly looked up. He could feel himself shaking. "I'm not."

Gaara looked concerned, but nothing else. Not in pain. "You're not." He tightened his hand on Kankuro's sleeve. "I'm just worried about you."

Kankuro turned away, wrenching his sleeve free. "Oh, Gaara, I just can't seem to shut up about it! But she's going to find out about me!"

Gaara stood up. "Who? Temari?"

"I'm gonna get in trouble!" Kankuro hung his head, all the fight abruptly going out of him. He sagged in his chair. "I'm gonna be in so much trouble."

Gaara crossed the space between them in two steps and put his hands on Kankuro's shoulders. "You're not going to get in trouble, niisan. You can tell me. I won't tell anyone. I won't let anyone know, not even Temari. I promise. I won't tell anyone a thing."

Kankuro wrapped his arms around Gaara's waist, knowing it was wrong, knowing it was inappropriate to put so much pressure on his little brother. He hid his face against Gaara's stomach. "I can't take it anymore. I can't take what she does to me. Every day it's something new. And she says I have to bear it with a smile, or I'll be admitting that the past isn't the past, that I've been holding a grudge, and that she really is better than me."

He knew he wasn't giving Gaara any room to speak, but he couldn't help himself. He had to get the words out as quickly as possible so he could get it over with. "Every time I bring up something she did to me, do you know what she does? She brings up something from the past that I did to her that I don't remember and I can't account for, and then she tells me to stop being petty because she can be as petty as I can and the results won't be pretty."

The pain in Kankuro's chest made it hard for him to breathe. "So we both have to drop it in order to preserve our friendship now, because if I brought up the things that are bothering me it would tear us both apart and she would end up hating me. I can't do it because it would destroy us but I can't see any other way of doing it. I have to know why. I have to know why she'd done that, when we're such good friends now. Does she hate me? Does she wish she could be me? Does she not remember any of these things she did? Why can't she just be someone else? I don't want my sister to be someone like her." He sniffled, his nose running from all the tears he held back. He wanted to be strong, he wanted to be a man, but he felt like a little kid.

"But when you saw she was going to leave, you didn't want her to," Gaara said softly. He ran a hand through Kankuro's hair, stroking his niisan's hair.

Kankuro was too exhausted and too agonized to object to the strangeness of Gaara petting his hair. The intimate gesture felt soothing, and that disgusted him. He knew he shouldn't be letting Gaara do this. There was no way this was okay. He was badmouthing their sister to his brother's face. And Gaara was just letting him, because he was more important to Gaara than Temari. It wasn't fair.

He shook his head. "No, man. I wanted her to leave because I made her leave me alone. I didn't want her to go off and leave me because I wasn't needed anymore. That felt like a betrayal, _jan_. A waste. All that was left of me was a shucked shell and she was just going to leave me for someone else to torture. It wasn't fair. It isn't fair. And he's going to make her happy, so she never comes and bothers me again."

He looked up at Gaara. "But what happens to me, _jan_? What happens to me after she's gone to some new victim? What do I do to be rebuilding? If I rebuild, she's going to come back again and raze me to the ground!" Then he did start crying. "I never want to see her again! I don't want to be anywhere near her! But she's going to come home, and she's going to bring Shikamaru with her, and then we're – we're all going to – have to live together!" He broke down completely, sobbing into Gaara's stomach. He grabbed two fistfuls of Gaara's robe and desperately held on.

Gaara patted his arms and shoulders and tried to be comforting without saying anything. His ototo ended up holding him and rocking him gently back and forth while he cried himself out. Finally, Gaara said, "I know what we can do to keep her from hurting you. We can not let her ever come back."

"W-W-What would that achieve, _jan_?" His punk accent failed miserably. "She's just going to be mad at us. And you don't want to be the one she's mad at. She's a hellcat."

"I know. But I can hurt her if she tries anything," Gaara said. "I am stronger than she is." He patted Kankuro's head. "You don't have to worry about anything. If it's physical abuse you're worried about, I can be here."

"What about the rest, jan? What about the fact what whenever she says anything –"

"I can help that, too." Gaara kissed his forehead, where his hairline met. "I can make sure she never says anything to you again. I can keep that from happening. I can just make sure that she never contacts you, or that if she does, I tear it up. It's no problem."

"But how are we going to lock her out of the house?"

"We're not. But if she comes here and she insists on making a scene here, we'll leave. We'll go someplace else until she figures it out and goes away. Then we'll have the place to ourselves."

"I don't think that's right," Kankuro said.

"Why not? I'm the Kazekage."

Kankuro looked up.

Gaara looked down at him with a confused expression. "This is my mansion. This mansion belongs to the Kazekage. No one else. She lived here because she was Father's daughter, and now she lives here because she is my sister. But she isn't Kazekage. If I say she has to go then she'll have to go. The villagers will support me. They don't like Temari as much as they like you and myself."

Kankuro's jaw dropped. "I can't believe you said that."

Gaara shrugged. "It's the truth. They like her because she's one of my bodyguards, and she does a good job, but they could care less about her personality. She's not really that popular. Everyone is respectful to her, but that's about it."

Kankuro let go of Gaara and wiped his nose on his sleeve. "But…but what about Father?"

"What about him?" Gaara asked. "He doesn't care. He's dead. If he's watching, then he doesn't care except to say that Temari ought to rely on herself. She's not any different than any of us. He just treated her that way because she is a woman. She was born a girl. That's it. Solely on her merits, she ought to be doing everything by herself anyway. That's the Suna ideal. I don't know where she gets off saying that her culture ought to endorse her choice to make people around her support her without doing anything in return except doing the work of a shinobi. No one else gets that privilege."

Kankuro stared at the floor and nodded. "That's true."

Gaara wound his arms around Kankuro's neck and clung on. "Then don't worry so much about it, niisan. Just remember that I love you and be strong. We can defeat this. I know we can."


	11. Chapter 11

**Hours**

Chapter 11

* * *

><p>Kankuro lay in bed, squirming and shifting until he cocooned himself in his covers. He couldn't get to sleep, and the barrage of his thoughts terrified him. He felt swept away by the flash flood of them.<p>

Temari was going to come back. She was going to hear about his plans to get her out of his life. She was going to sense it somehow, smell his mutiny on the wind like some wild animal and come running.

He knew that painted a ridiculous image of his sister, but he couldn't make the fear go away. Every sound he heard from downstairs, every creak and rustle and sigh of a settling mansion became Temari sneaking in, getting steadily closer to his room. She could beat him easily without his puppets. They were all downstairs. If he went for them, she would just intercept him and take him down right there.

She wouldn't kill him – well, maybe she wouldn't. But she would break his spirit. He already wished he hadn't said any of those things to Gaara. Begging his ototo to protect him against their neesan? Pathetic.

_Gaara doesn't care about you. He's only fixing you to the point where you can find a girlfriend and stop putting all of your desires for a relationship on him. He's fed up with you and your useless crying. _That new thought jarred him out of his unreasonable fear, but it knocked the air out of his lungs with a surge of shame. How could he have compromised Gaara like that? He was the one making their relationship inappropriate! Gaara didn't have any romantic feelings for him. He was just putting his baggage on Gaara because all his friends from school told him he was gay when he wanted to hug them. The only reason he interpreted Gaara's brotherly interest as something more was because he had issues. Kankuro buried his face in his pillow and tried to drown out his own thoughts. He hid from them, as if they were palpable shadows looming over him.

A knock at the door gave him such a terrible scare that he tumbled out of his bed and was about to lunge under the bed when sense broke through. Kankuro climbed to his feet, pulling himself up on the edge of the bed, and tried to breathe. "C…Come in?"  
>The door swung open slowly. Gaara stood in the hallway, looking concerned. "Niisan?"<p>

Kankuro swallowed. "Yes? What?"

"You look scared."

Before he could think better of it, Kankuro let out a burst of hysterical laughter. "I do, huh? Is that what this looks like?"

"You had a bad dream," Gaara guessed.

Kankuro flopped down on his bed. "If only this were a dream." He covered his eyes with his arm. "I couldn't even get that far. I was just lying here thinking about how horrible my life is about to become now that Temari knows our secret."

Gaara raised a hairless eyebrow. "Secret?"

Kankuro sighed. "I guess I was half asleep, even if I didn't realize it. I'm sorry. I meant to say, now that Temari knows that we've been planning to overthrow her and throw her out of the house. Because I thought she did. I was listening for her downstairs, when I thought…"

"I knocked on the door and scared you," Gaara said.

"You couldn't scare me much more than I was already."

"I sensed your chakra," Gaara said quietly. "I sensed it get out of control. And I wondered why. So I came down the hall to check on you."

"Well, I appreciate it, but I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

Kankuro groaned. "I – Look, man, this is my problem."

"You wouldn't let me face my nightmares by myself." Gaara crossed the room and sat down on the bed. He reached over and squeezed Kankuro's hand.

Kankuro couldn't think of an argument to defuse Gaara's observation. "I know, man. I know. I stayed up with you every night for a month getting it right. Getting it so that you wouldn't have to be scared whenever you had a bad dream and thought it was really happening to you."

"You say you feel the same way," Gaara said. "You think it is really happening to you when it's not."

"I can't get around that one, _jan_."

Gaara crawled into bed beside him and squirmed closer together.

Kankuro only half successfully managed to look over his shoulder. "What are you doing, man?"

Gaara squeezed up against him and dropped an arm across his waist. "I'm going to stay with you tonight."

"But I can't – I mean, I can't let you stay with me tonight," Kankuro said. "You're the Kazekage. You have to get up in the morning and make important decisions. I can't distract you by keeping you up all night just in case I have a nightmare."

Gaara poked the back of his head. "Don't sound like Temari. You know she's full of shit."

Kankuro sighed, immediately repentant. "Yeah, I know that. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

In spite of his misgivings, Gaara's presence immediately made him feel more comfortable. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, even if they tried to torture it out of him. He fell asleep in about five minutes and stayed asleep until it was time to get up in the morning.

Gaara was still snuggled up to him, and still asleep. He had to push his brother away in order to get out of bed, but he tried to be gentle.

Gaara woke up in the process. "What time is it?"

"About that time, _jan_."

"Oh, really?" Gaara sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. "How did you sleep?"

"Okay." Kankuro turned away. He didn't want to admit that he thought the only reason why he slept okay was because Gaara was in bed with him.

"I think we should do this every night," Gaara said.

"What?" Kankuro stared at him.

"It's lonely with just the two of us, and I don't want to be alone, either." Gaara gave him a vulnerable look. "Do you not want me to be in the same room as you every night?"

Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. "No, it's okay. I guess we could both use the company. If you don't mind. If you're not just making this up to take care of me. I'm not a baby, _jan_."

Gaara shook his head. "I want to be here. I don't like it when the house is quiet and there isn't anyone around. I know I can come to you if I need to, but I don't want to disturb you."

Kankuro chewed his lip. "I didn't mean to sound unavailable, _jan_. I'll do what I can. You can sleep here anytime you want. It's not like there's any harm to it."

"You really don't mind?" Gaara studied his face.

Kankuro shook his head. "I really don't mind."

Gaara slid out of bed and walked over to him, taking his hand. "Let's make breakfast."

"Is Temari's teasing the reason why you don't like eating in public?" Gaara asked suddenly after they sat down to eggs and rice.

Kankuro scowled. "Yeah. I always feel like everyone around me is judging me. Bastards. They don't even know me, but they critique my restaurant choices? Get out of my life! Really."

Gaara squeezed his hand. "I bet no one will judge you if you dine with the Kazekage."

Kankuro sighed, but he couldn't help smiling at the same time. "You think that's just your solution for everything, don't you? You're the Kazekage."

Gaara tilted his head and gave Kankuro a wide-eyed look. "Aren't I?"

Kankuro slapped his forehead. "Yes. Yes, you are."

Gaara smiled. "Then it's settled. We'll eat out tonight at someplace nice. Boyfriends and girlfriends go on dates. We ought to get you used to being out more often. And then you can get used to some restaurants you like. It's always important to take your girlfriend somewhere nice."

Kankuro grumbled, "What are you suddenly, my mom?"

"No," Gaara said. "Your brother. The same as always."

Kankuro looked at him with narrowed eyes. _The same as always. Sure. _

* * *

><p>After work, Gaara dragged him out to a local restaurant. Kankuro wanted to groan. This was, of course, the place Gaara would choose. It was the only restaurant Gaara had ever been to. And Kankuro and Temari had taken him here because this was where Father had taken them.<p>

They sat down at a table.

Talk about memories, Kankuro thought with a frown.

"Do you like this place?" Gaara asked. He looked concerned.

Kankuro looked around. A simple decor with red kanji on the walls. Things like 'peace', 'joy', 'love'. He'd really forgotten this place, but now that he was sitting here and looking around, he realized it hadn't changed. "Yeah." _Well, no, but that's okay. I mean, I sort of do. It's not the place._ _It's what happened here_. He didn't bother trying to explain. He didn't want Gaara to think he was ungrateful or be confused.

"I remember that you and Temari took me here once for my birthday," Gaara said.

"Yeah…That was the year you made Kazekage," Kankuro said. "It was really more for that. Your birthday was like three weeks ago compared to when we took you here."

"I still appreciated it." Gaara gazed into his eyes. "You celebrated my birthday. For the first time. I liked it."

Kankuro looked away and shrugged. "Oh, you know, we really should have been celebrating your birthday before. We just didn't think you'd –"

" – like it," Gaara finished. "Yes. I know. I was very angry. I always felt like my birthday was more the day of Mom's death than any day I should be celebrating." His smile was sad. "It's nice to finally be here."

Kankuro blinked at him.

"In a place where I have the peace of mind to enjoy my birthday," Gaara said.

"Oh. Yeah. Definitely good. Everyone needs a birthday." Kankuro was relieved that Gaara had only good memories about this place. Personally, sitting at the bleached wood table, virtually where Father had always had them sit -near the kitchen and by a window - was making him queasy.

A server came by and handed them the menus. After a few minutes of looking at the choices in silence, Gaara lowered his menu and shot Kankuro a mischievous look. "I know what we should order."

Kankuro glanced up. "What?" He expected some kind of joke.

Gaara's smile widened, and he laid down his menu on the table. "The seafood Hot Pot."

"Seafood Hot Pot?" Kankuro protested. "But it's so expensive! And you're forgetting that we're only two people –" Gaara's quiet laughter cut him off mid-sentence. He stared at his brother in disbelief.

"Nothing will get you more used to eating in public, and having all you want, than if we order Yosenabe," Gaara said.

Kankuro tried to hide his dismay. "Well, I guess that's logical, but can't we be reasonable here?"

"We are reasonable," Gaara said. "We will take home the leftovers. It's not like any food will be wasted."

"Okay," Kankuro said. "But I'm warning you, I'm not going to pig out in front of everybody. You have to expect me to be a little squeamish."

"I don't mind," Gaara said.

Kankuro sighed, defeated. "Alright, bring it on. Order the Seafood Hot Pot."

It took half an hour for them to be served. The entire time Kankuro fidgeted in his seat, caught between hunger and the desperate desire to be home.

"What's the matter?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro just bit his lip and shook his head, glancing around.

Gaara leaned in. "No one can hear us."

"I don't like it, _jan_. I can't converse comfortably with all these people around. Even if I know they're not interested in me and what I have to say because they've got their own friends and family to be talking at, I still think they're listening."

"I like sex with small boys."

Kankuro stared at his brother with his mouth hanging open.

Gaara sat back in his seat and waited. Nothing happened.

Kankuro felt himself blushing.

Gaara gestured. "See? No one could hear me. They were too busy talking amongst themselves. If they had, you surely would have seen a reaction. After all, I just admitted to a socially inappropriate behavior in a public place, and I am the Kazekage."

Kankuro buried his face in his hands. "What am I going to do with you?"

Gaara shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you figure it out?"

Kankuro slowly raised his head and glared at him.

Gaara smiled. "Food's here."

Kankuro turned around and saw the server carrying their food.

Gaara thanked the server. As soon as the girl was gone, he said, "See? I just won't talk about anything around the restaurant staff. That should ensure our privacy."

"I don't know…"

Gaara took the lid off their Hot Pot. A cloud of seafood scented steam puffed out. His ototo smiled. "Mmm. Doesn't that smell delicious?"

"Yeah," Kankuro said reluctantly.

"Which part do you like best?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro shrugged. "I don't know. Why?"

Gaara looked up from the Hot Pot. "So I can make sure not to eat it."

"That's so unfair," Kankuro protested. "Then you won't get any."

Gaara shrugged. "What if I don't want any?"

"What if you do?" Kankuro countered.

"I won't know unless I know what you want," Gaara said.

Kankuro sighed. "For a while, everyone thought my favorite was shrimp. But that's not the truth. I chose it because no one else wanted to claim the shrimp as their favorite." He chewed his lip. "Are you sure no one can hear us?"

Gaara looked around. "I don't think anyone is listening."

Kankuro pushed himself to continue, but he couldn't help talking as quietly as possible. "Temari always made us share evenly so we could be fair. But Father knew I would never finish my clams or my scallops, and he had to see that Temari teased me about taking all of the eggs and the vegetables when I wasn't looking. Because we'd all eat it out of the same pot – I mean, that the point, _jan_. The point is to eat the meal together as a family. So we couldn't claim anything, even if Temari always declared she wanted to be fair. She'd take all the eggs and the vegetables, and if I complained, she called me a baby and asked why I was making such a big deal of it when I could have the stupid eggs and vegetables any time I wanted." He unintentionally raised his voice and clenched his hands. "But it's something about the hot pot eggs and vegetables that makes it special! I didn't even like seafood when I was younger!"

He got glanced at by a few of the people around them. He sat back on the bench and crossed his arms, scowling.

"Then I won't eat any of the eggs or the vegetables," Gaara said, as if he hadn't noticed Kankuro's outburst. "I like the clams. If you wouldn't mind if I ate them all, I'd like to have them. Is that okay?"

"Sure." Kankuro furrowed his brow, confused. "You mean, that's all there is to it? All I have to do is ask, and you'll give me what I want?"

Gaara gave him a concerned look. "Yes."

Kankuro let out a deep breath and dropped his defensive posture, slipping down a little bit in his seat. "I…I don't know what to say about that."

"Is that okay?" Gaara asked. "Is it okay to get what you want?"

Kankuro looked at the ceiling. "Yeah, sure." He glanced at Gaara. "I mean, what kind of question is that?"

"Then are you happy?"

Kankuro's expression softened, and he sat up straight. "Yeah. Yes, ototo, it makes me happy. I'm sorry I'm being such a pain about it all."

"You're not a pain," Gaara said seriously.

Kankuro narrowed his eyes. "Yeah? How come?"

"Because I love you," Gaara said.

Kankuro winced and picked up his chopsticks. "I love you, too. I'm not behaving very well. Any girl would've run away from me by now if I put up this much of a fight to her attempts to be nice to me. In fact, I might've scared off somebody before in exactly that way. I'll stop stalling and eat."

"You can't scare me away, Kankuro," Gaara said, picking up his own chopsticks. "You're my brother."

Kankuro forced a smile. "I appreciate that."

As ridiculous as it seemed, Kankuro ate the first egg out of the hot pot with enormous foreboding. Gaara barely glanced at him, but he could tell his brother was watching. Like with the mochi. Kankuro internally sighed.

After eating a shrimp, Gaara asked quietly, "How is it?"

Kankuro didn't pretend he didn't know what they were talking about. The temptation briefly flashed through his mind, though. "It's good, ototo. Thank you."

Gaara shrugged. "No problem. I don't like eggs."

Kankuro stared at him. _So you're just being nice because you don't have any reason for competition with me?_

Gaara's eyes narrowed. "And even if I did, I wouldn't steal them from you."

Kankuro blushed and looked down. "I am not usually accused of being obvious."

Gaara smiled. "I love you. Please try to relax."

Kankuro sighed. "I will. I'll try, this time. I promise."

They ate in silence for the next few minutes. Kankuro picked out the eggs and the vegetables – except for the spinach, of course. Spinach he couldn't stand. But once he'd eaten them, he realized he was still hungry. He looked at the other parts of the meal speculatively.

Gaara ate a clam and looked across the table at Kankuro in return, tilting his head. "What is the matter?"

Kankuro looked away. "I'm still hungry, I guess. But that doesn't matter. I got what I wanted. And I'm happy with that."

Gaara frowned. "No, it does matter. You're wrong. I want you to have more until you're full."

"But what're you going to eat if I eat it all, _jan_?"

Gaara raised an eyebrow. "If you eat everything in sight, I will simply order more. I am the Kazekage. I think that I earn enough money to pay for one night out a month. So far this has been the only time this year."

"Yeah, but it's only February, _jan_! You don't know what expenses are coming up," Kankuro protested.

"I will handle them." Gaara gestured to the hot pot. "Eat."

Feeling distinctly defeated about this, Kankuro took a shrimp with poor grace. "I really don't like this, _jan_."

"Why not?" Gaara asked.

"You're making me feel like I'm just jumping all over your good time." Kankuro stared at the table.

"How?" Gaara asked.

"You're just accommodating me." Kankuro chewed his lip. "Whatever I say, you're just giving me –"

"A girlfriend would do the same thing," Gaara said. "You have to get used to being accommodated."

That shut Kankuro up.

A few minutes later, after consuming some of the chicken and red snapper, he said, "You know, it's not that I don't like being accommodated. It's just that I'm not used to it."

Gaara smiled at him. "I know."

"I really appreciate it."

"I know that," Gaara said. "I really do. I don't want you to worry about showing your gratitude. I understand that this is difficult for you."

Kankuro looked down at the hot pot. He felt a little better. Well, if he were actually honest with himself, a lot better. "I just wanted you to know that I care. It does matter to me."

* * *

><p>Their leftovers consisted mostly of broth and noodles, with a few pieces of red snapper left and one piece of chicken. They took the leftovers home and couched them in the refrigerator.<p>

Kankuro stretched. "What now, _jan_? I'm about ready to call it a day."

Gaara smiled at him shyly. "If this were a real date, we would conclude it by sitting on the sofa with our arms around each other and watching tv. But that depends on how far you want to go into the realm of emulation."

Kankuro snorted. "I don't mind that. It sounds nice."

Shinobi did not often watch television. They didn't have the free time to follow most plots on the tv shows, so when they tuned in, they inevitably started watching in the middle of a story arc that didn't make a whole lot of sense. A lot of the people Kankuro knew didn't even bother to watch tv for that reason. Most of them didn't own a television set.

And most shinobi didn't have a whole lot of use for their living room other than to try to not get killed in it. It was a rough job. Being shinobi took a certain toll on one's ability to relax.

Kankuro had to admit that he liked the novelty of sitting down and watching television with his best friend who was also his brother. Gaara turned the dial and switched on the set, then retreated to the sofa beside Kankuro. Kankuro laid his arm around Gaara and settled in without really thinking about it.

Within minutes, he was laughing at the people moving across the screen. "What is this, _jan_? It looks like an example of how not to be a warrior."

"I think it's a war drama," Gaara said quietly. "Look. Their faces are so serious."

Kankuro snorted. "But the fighting is ridiculous. Who would actually do that?"

"The regular people watch this without ever knowing it's wrong," Gaara commented. "Most people don't know what to do when a battle breaks out. And shinobi don't have time to sit down and write screenplays. No one really knows what our life is like except another shinobi."

Kankuro leaned back against the couch. "Yeah, you're right, man. I guess we can't count on anyone to understand."

"That's not a bad thing," Gaara said. "I would never want anyone to understand what it's like to be a _Jinchuuriki_."

Kankuro glanced at his ototo, surprised. "But you're glad you found Naruto."

Gaara frowned. "Yes. But I would never wish it on him." He shook his head. "Not on anybody. The pain, the suffering you feel when you know you're alone and it's because you were chosen as the less important one – it's not fun. It's not fair. And it's not right. There needs to be another way to control the issue of utilizing demons without sealing one inside a person." His jaw clenched. "There needs to be another way out. You can't ask one person to suffer for the needs of many. You can't do that. Even with the person's consent, it's wrong."

Kankuro stared at him. "It is? But that's the logic I always bought."

"It's wrong," Gaara said. "You can't convince me otherwise because I have firsthand proof that it's wrong. It's wrong to suffer so that someone else's needs can be met."

"But – But that puts into question all our sacrifices, _jan_," Kankuro protested. "What about the risks we take to make other people happy?"

Gaara shook his head. "But they're not sacrifices. We're not sacrificing our long-term happiness, our sanity, our…"

Kankuro felt a spurt of anger. He stood up. "Speak for yourself, _jan_! I sacrifice those things every day!"

Gaara glared back. "And I'm asking you not to. Because it's wrong."

Deflated, Kankuro sat down again. "I'm confused."

Gaara laid a hand on his arm. "I know. And I'm trying to help you. I'm sharing what I know. And I know that whatever sacrifice you make, it's never worth it if it means giving up your sanity or your hope."

"What about our lives?" Kankuro asked dryly. "Isn't that something that we're asked to give that's kind of a big deal?"

"Not if you lived well," Gaara said softly. "Not if you had everything you desired, because you knew how to fight for it. If you died in battle after having a good life, you should feel no regrets. You should know how to die with honor, without regretting your past mistakes, because you made good on your promises to family and you acquired all you desired."

Kankuro swallowed a lump in his throat. "Then I guess if I died tomorrow I'd become a vengeful ghost, hating everyone and everything around me."

Gaara slipped an arm around his waist and hugged him. "That's why I'm trying to help you. I want you to be happy. Not just so that you can live a better life, but because you can live a better death knowing that you didn't spend your life for nothing. That it all meant something, and you didn't have to give up anything you most desired because of living the path of the shinobi. You shouldn't regret that. If you can change before you die, you should."

Kankuro sighed. "That's so philosophical."

Gaara shot him a worried look. "Was it too much?"

Kankuro shook his head. "No, just really deep. I'll have to think about that before I can come up with an answer."

"An answer?"

Kankuro grinned. "As to why you're wrong."

Gaara looked exasperated, but he couldn't hold the expression for long. "I love you, Kankuro."

Kankuro poked his nose. "I love you too, ototo." He added playfully, "Now shut up. You're talking over the action." He pointed at the tv.

Gaara smiled ruefully and turned back to the program.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hours**

Chapter 12

* * *

><p>Kankuro noticed that Gaara was nodding off during the program, but he didn't notice until the credits rolled and he looked at his brother fully that Gaara was asleep.<p>

_You really didn't sleep well last night. You were too busy looking after me, _Kankuro realized. He felt overwhelmed by Gaara's trust and investment in him.

He didn't want to wake Gaara up. He lifted his brother into his arms as gently as he could, relying on Gaara's familiarity with the action. To his relief, Gaara stayed asleep. He carried his brother upstairs. Thinking, Kankuro concluded that it would be cruel to put Gaara in Gaara's room, even if he were more comfortable there. Last night, Kankuro promised him they could sleep together. Gaara might wake up expecting to be in Kankuro's room. At worst, he'd feel abandoned.

Kankuro nudged the door open with his foot and carried Gaara into his room. He pulled down the covers with one hand and laid his brother down on the bed. Gaara mumbled faintly in his sleep. Kankuro quickly rejoined him, anxious not to disturb him.

Gaara curled his hand around Kankuro's arm, smiled, and then fell completely limp. Kankuro sighed to himself. _He's so…cute. _He wished he could've seen Gaara this way when they were kids. A cute ototo would have thrilled him to the core. They probably would have had sleepovers like this all the time.

He risked brushing his brother's hair back, exposing the kanji on Gaara's forehead. Now that he had this kind of relationship, that mark on his brother's forehead sent a completely different kind of message. Now Gaara wore the kanji for love because he was beloved.

As soon as Kankuro was sure Gaara was going to stay asleep, he drifted off into the realm of sleep himself.

He woke up with Gaara snuggled right to him, curled up against his side and his forehead touching Kankuro's chest. He really regretted having to get Gaara up and get himself and Gaara moving, but it was time to get up.

* * *

><p>They had an uneventful day and made stir fry together for dinner.<p>

"Anything interesting to teach me today?" Kankuro asked. He slurped a few noodles.

"Yes," Gaara said.

"Does this require me putting down my food?" Kankuro asked. He grinned. "Because, man, this pattern is starting to get old."

"Probably," Gaara said.

Kankuro set down his chopsticks. "Okay, have at it." He sighed.

Gaara was silent for so long he thought his ototo wouldn't speak.

Kankuro looked at Gaara warily and lifted his green tea to his lips.

"You said you don't like girls," Gaara said suddenly.

Kankuro's hand jerked. He spilled green tea all over himself. Luckily, it wasn't too hot. "What? When did I say that?" He set down his teacup.

Gaara stared at him. "I didn't mean to…" He pointed to Kankuro's shirt.

Kankuro looked down and saw tea dripping down his front. He looked up. "Never mind that! Answer the question!"

Gaara said, "Well, all you ever say about them are bad things. You don't like Temari, you think a girl would be scared away by your problems…they all sound like bullies and cowards to me. You don't have anything good to say about them."

Kankuro threw up his hands. "That doesn't mean I'm not attracted to them!"

"But you don't deny that you do have these feelings," Gaara said.

Kankuro froze. "Look, man, what are you trying to say? You think I'm gay? Is that it?"

Gaara shook his head, wide-eyed. "I don't think you're –"

"Cause I'm not!" Kankuro slammed his hands down on the table and stood up. "Did Baki tell you that? Because if he did he's full of shit – and it's none of his business!"

"Stop yelling at me," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro's jaw dropped. He sat down in his chair. "Sorry, man. I didn't mean to – I didn't mean to scare you or anything. I just." _My own brother_. His eyes stung.

"I didn't say you were gay," Gaara said. "You said that. I was just concerned because you want to date girls, but you don't like girls. You're attracted to them. That's not the same thing. Attraction isn't the same as love, and relationships based on love last longer than relationships based on attraction do. I've seen it all around me. I don't want you to have a relationship you can't trust, that won't last as long as you're alive. You need someone who can be a lifelong partner without ever abandoning you."

"I…I don't see how I can change that until I find the right girl." Kankuro looked down at his hands. He clasped them in his lap. "The right girl's gotta convince me that she's an exception. That she's a good person. That she cares about me."

"When you stack the odds so much against her by coming in with the mindset that all girls are bad, then you make it much harder for her to succeed," Gaara said.

Kankuro frowned at him. "I don't see what this has to do with anything."

Gaara looked frustrated. "Kankuro, you like me, don't you?"

"Yeah. Of course I do."

"What is it about me that you like?" Gaara demanded.

Kankuro shrugged. "I like everything about you, Gaara. You're hard working. You have a sense of humor – it's dry, but it's there. You always take responsibility for your mistakes, and you don't dry to foist them off on someone else. You don't spend money frivolously. You don't talk about your 'girl friends'. You don't brag. You don't…you don't throw your weight around like some kind of emotional blackmailer. You just…you do a good job, and you stay quiet, and when you need to, you tell the truth. You don't try to hurt people. You're always trying to help." Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. "Like now. Like with me."

Gaara's hands trembled. "I wish you could find a girl like that. I really do." But he was pale.

"Gaara, what's the matter?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara pressed his lips into a thin line. "It's nothing. It's…It's nothing."

Kankuro stood up and crossed the space between them. He put his hands on his brother's shoulders. "I think you have something you're not telling me."

Gaara stared up at him, shaking. "I'm not…I don't…"

"Just tell me," Kankuro said. _It can't be as bad as I think it is. You're not the one with the dirty mind. _

"I have feelings. For somebody." Gaara looked terrified.

_Then I was right. He is thinking about somebody. But this doesn't have anything to do with me…except that I'm here. _Kankuro stroked his hair. "Look, you can tell me. It's alright. I won't make fun of you or anything."

Gaara squeezed his eyes shut. "No one thinks I can have sexual feelings. But I do. I can feel sexual feelings, and I just hide them."

"How come?" Kankuro asked.

"Because…I…" Gaara shook his head fiercely. "Because I know I can't do anything about them!"

Kankuro withdrew his hand. He'd tried to soothe Gaara, but Gaara didn't want to be soothed, yet. He sighed. "Is it Uzamaki Naruto?"

Gaara's eyes snapped open. He looked at Kankuro in shock.

"Because if that's what it is, I got a piece of advice for you, ototo." Kankuro scratched the back of his head with a rueful grimace. "You're not hiding it that well."

"No!" Gaara protested. "He's not around often enough for me to develop those kinds of feelings for him. That's not realistic."

Kankuro looked at his brother in amusement. "That's not enough of an argument for most people. It's all about hormones." He shrugged. "Either you like somebody or you don't. It has nothing to do with how much they're around."

"Well, I do," Gaara said. "I take that into consideration. There is no way that I would have sexual feelings for Naruto. He simply isn't my…" He pressed his lips together and looked away. After a moment, he finished his sentence. "My type."

"Then who is your type?" Kankuro asked.

"You," Gaara muttered.

"What?" Kankuro laughed. "I thought you said we were alike."

Gaara shook his head. "Your drive to succeed is alike! Your caring for people is alike! It's not like you are the same person. You're…different. You're – you're not stupid. You're observant. And you're not so immersed in your own ideas that you ignore everyone around you and break all the rules. And you're not…you're not so much of an idealist. You're not naïve like he is. I can't stand it sometimes. He's not realistic, and he can't think that way. You take everything into account." He closed the space between them and took Kankuro's hands. "I love you. I admire Naruto. There's a difference. I could handle my friend from a distance, but if I had to be in his vicinity every day I would become exhausted. He's too much of an extrovert for me."

"Then who do you like?" Kankuro asked.

Gaara looked at him blankly.

"What? What am I missing?" Kankuro wanted to look around to see if they had a hidden audience. He didn't even know what he was missing, and he dreaded the punchline. And here Gaara just got done telling him he wasn't stupid.

"I said, 'You,'" Gaara whispered.

Kankuro went numb with shock.

Gaara stared at him.

Kankuro's voice spontaneously worked again. "Yeah, but you can't mean –"

Gaara interrupted him harshly. "Why?"

"B-Because –"

"Is that not allowed?" Gaara raised his voice. "Am I not allowed to have a close bond with anyone?"

Kankuro stumbled backwards. "Look – that's not what I'm trying to say, there are people you do and there are people you don't want to have sex with, and –" _I'm not one of them._

"I am not one of them?" Gaara asked.

Kankuro's jaw dropped. "I meant me."

Gaara rambled on. "Because it's wrong? Because it's wrong for a vessel – a _Jinchuuriki_ – to feel this way about anybody? Because it's wrong to –"

"Because it's incest!" Kankuro protested. "Not any of those other things. It's just a taboo – it doesn't have anything to do with you being a – a –"

"_Jinchuuriki_," Gaara said quietly.

"I'm not going to say that!"

Gaara's expression was stony. "Why not? That's what I am, aren't I? I'm the product of someone else's sacrifice. You still don't think that a person has the right to reject their sacrifices, so I am a _Jinchuuriki_. Nothing can change that. You'll always look at me and say –"

"Gaara, come on, that's not fair!" Kankuro clenched his fists. "Listen!"

Gaara watched him with wide eyes.

"You think something's gonna happen here." Kankuro pointed at him. "Something that's not what brothers do. I want the truth from you, right now: What is this whole relationship thing really about?"

Gaara looked horrified. "It's about helping you. It was always about helping you."

"That's not what your body language says," Kankuro retorted.

Gaara wrapped his arms around himself and squeezed his eyes shut. "I didn't want to do anything wrong."

"Well, if you thought that you could turn this into something that I didn't want, you kind of did," Kankuro said. "I didn't know your feelings about this, and I trusted you to help me altruistically instead of expecting something in return."

"I never wanted something in return!"

Kankuro took a step back, stunned.

"I fantasize sometimes. Is that wrong? Is that going to be taken away from me, because nobody can allow me to feel things that I can't explain –"

"No! No." Taken aback, Kankuro hugged him and clutched his brother tightly to his chest. "Shit. I didn't mean to say that – I mean, to even sound like I was saying that! I mean, you can do whatever you want to inside your own head. It's not like there's anyone to judge."

Gaara's voice was muffled against his chest. "I used to not be able to."

Kankuro rapidly realized he'd made another mistake. "I'm sorry. That was stupid. You have been sharing all your life. You have had an audience – and a really bad one. A nasty one. I'm sorry."

Gaara shrugged, but he also sniffled, and if he moved at all, it was to burrow deeper into Kankuro's body. "I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't mean to hurt you at all. In any way. I love you."

Kankuro stroked his brother's hair. He didn't know what else to do. "Man…Why did things get this way? How did you develop feelings like this for me? I didn't think you've felt like this the whole time."

"I didn't. Not until Shukaku left. Since then I started noticing how much you care about me – because he wasn't there telling me how you didn't and you were just using me. I realized you really do care. And then…also, since becoming Kazekage…I knew that you only did it because you love me. You supported me. I told you my dream and you didn't laugh at me. You were surprised, but then…who wouldn't be? I went from being a monster to being someone with hopes and dreams. And then I…"

Gaara shook his head.

"What happened then?" Kankuro asked softly.

Gaara sniffled again. "The villagers…They acted like I was going to marry somebody. And I realized I had a choice. I could do that. I could marry. And I got scared, Kankuro. They said I could…they said I could date, I could go on a date, and a girl would love me, and I'd want to hold her, and we'd have sex, and she would marry me, and we would have children…"

Kankuro let his ototo ramble on. He thought he could see where this was going, but he didn't want to interrupt.

Gaara squeezed him. "But I don't trust anybody else to hold me, niisan. I don't want anybody else to touch me. I've been a monster my whole life to these people. I had to work so hard to gain the trust of the jonin and the leaders. What if…what if all those girls who say they want to marry me are just faking it? What if they really want to hurt me?"

"I don't understand why you wanted me to date, then," Kankuro said. "Doesn't that scare you too?"

Gaara let out a sob. "I could believe that somebody would want to love somebody like you. But not me. I'm just a failed experiment, and you're a jonin."

"You're precious to me, ototo. You're not a failed experiment," Kankuro said.

"You're precious to me too, Kankuro! I never wanted to cause any trouble, I never thought I would get what I want sometimes, I just thought I could help you. So I did. I tried to help you because I knew I could show you how someone really acted when they love you, because I did. I do. I love you so much I can't stand it! And now you're going away because I did or said the wrong thing –and I didn't mean to – I didn't want to ruin –" He spontaneously dissolved into pure sobbing.

Kankuro was alarmed. "No, I'm not going anywhere. Gaara, listen to me. I'm right here." He stroked the back of Gaara's head. "I'm right here, and I'm not leaving."

Gaara quieted. "You're not leaving?"

"No, I'm not." Kankuro wanted to cry himself. But that wouldn't solve anything. "No matter what you do, I'm not going to treat you like a failed experiment. You're not. First of all, you're not an experiment at all. You're a person, and I love you. Second of all, you're not a failure. After all of this, you've become Kazekage. You've proved that dreams do come true – just like Uzamaki Naruto said they would, if you tried hard enough. He was right. You're a great person, and I love the person you are. I've loved you all along – but as a brother. And that's okay."

Kankuro was confused at the next step, because he felt that logic couldn't back him up in this situation, but he knew it needed to be said. "You love me as more than a brother –but that's okay too."

"It is? How is that okay?"

"Because I'm your brother, and I love you," Kankuro said. "Because I understand. I understand your confusion. I would be too – if I had someone I relied on that much and they were always there for me, I'd be smitten, too." He chewed his lip. "But just if that person wasn't family. I can't help it. That's the way it is. That doesn't mean I don't want to be your brother or I think you're a freak. I just think you're worried about other people because it's something that's been done to you, and I wish it had never happened. I don't want you to be hurt this way. If you want to fantasize about me…that's okay. I guess."

Gaara looked up at him, frowning. "Okay?"

Kankuro couldn't help but smile at the ridiculousness of the situation. "Just don't tell me, okay? I can't handle that part of it. Hearing about it weirds me out." He ruffled Gaara's hair. "But I'm not going to keep you from thinking about it. I can't. I don't have that power – no one does."

Gaara looked at him incredulously. "I can think whatever I want?"

Kankuro nodded. "Yeah."

Gaara's gaze drifted off, thoughtful. "I can think whatever I want."

"Yeah."

Gaara glanced at him. "You're not going to freak out about this later and run away from me when I don't expect it?"

Kankuro shook his head. "I plan on staying here."

Gaara stepped back and tried to put his stoic mask back on, but his chin trembled, giving himself away. "You really love me? You're not just saying that? You still love me?"

Kankuro took Gaara's face in his hands and looked straight into his brother's eyes. He knew he had to communicate this message as directly as possible or his brother's insecurities would never allow his words to penetrate. "So you did something I didn't like. Wasn't aware of. Wasn't prepared for. I still love you. I will always still love you. If you ever think you can't come to me with one of your problems because you feel this way about me and I think it's weird, you're wrong. I always love you. No matter what it is you do. I'll just disagree about it. That's all."

Gaara's mouth parted, but all that came out was a gasp.

Kankuro gently released Gaara's face.

Gaara took in a deep breath. "You gave me all I ever wanted. All I ever felt I deserved and more. I don't need to have sex with you to be happy. I don't have to force anything on you. You give it to me freely. The part I need – the part I want all the time – is your love for me. And you give it away."

Kankuro didn't know what to say. "I…I just…" He shrugged. "I can't help it. I mean, I don't think that's something that can be bought – love, I mean."

Gaara's brow furrowed. "I can't help myself, either. I'm always going to do whatever you ask. And if you say I shouldn't talk about these feelings anymore, the ones that make you uncomfortable, then I won't. We can live like they don't exist. I promise."

Kankuro took his ototo's hand and squeezed it. "Okay. I'll drop the subject. I want you to erase this whole conflict from your mind. It never happened. We can go on as before. I'll still do everything with you that I do now. It will be okay. Okay?"

Gaara nodded and took another deep breath. "Okay." Then he paused suddenly, and looked up at Kankuro in horror. "No."

"What do you mean?"

Gaara shook his head. "No. I can't allow you to perpetuate this pattern of forgiving everybody by shoving whatever they did into the past and pretending it didn't exist. That might make the other person feel better, but it doesn't do a thing for you! I won't do it!"

Kankuro's mouth hung open. "G-Gaara…"

Gaara shook his head again and narrowed his eyes at his brother. "No. I've made up my mind. I'm not pretending."

"But you just said –" Kankuro raked his hand through his hair. "I don't know what you want from me."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to go on like it didn't happen. You're going to have to deal with it, and so am I."

"But…"

Gaara scowled at the floor, appearing angry with himself. "I almost fell for it. I almost agreed to perpetuate the cycle. It sounded so good, starting over anew." He glanced up at Kankuro. "But it wouldn't be, don't you see? No growth would occur. We wouldn't learn from our mistakes, learn from who we really are and move on, we would be resetting things to a time of ignorance before any of this happened, and then waiting for it to happen again! I can't do that. I can't hurt you again. You have to admit that I have incestuous feelings for you, and that has to be okay." He steeled himself. "Or not okay."

Kankuro stammered, "I, I choose to make them okay. They're okay. Really. You don't have to censor yourself for me."

Gaara's chin trembled. He said thickly, "If you feel disgust for me, don't censor those feelings, either."

"I'm – I'm not disgusted," Kankuro protested. "I'm weirded out. I'm freaked. But not disgusted, Gaara. I love you. I still do. I said that, and I meant it. I can't…" He ran his hand through his hair. "I can't stop loving you just because you shocked me. I need time to adjust. But I…But I know I still love you. I feel it." He thumped his fist against his heart. "In here. I feel it in here."

"Can I feel it too?" Gaara whispered.

"Sure."

Gaara timidly approached and laid his hand flat against Kankuro's chest, over his niisan's heart. He swallowed. "I feel it beating."

Kankuro drew him into a hug. "It's for you. I love you. I just don't want to have sex with you. Please don't take this the wrong way. I can't. I could never do that."

Gaara hesitated, then wrapped his arms around his brother and held on. "I just didn't want you to take this away. Everything else can be taken away. Not the sex part – I didn't ever have that to begin with. But my life, my sanity, my self-respect…Those things have been taken away before, and I have lost love before. I want you to keep loving me. Because I don't think I could stand it if you didn't."

"I'll always be here," Kankuro said softly. "I'll always love you. I'm sorry you thought that could ever change. Even before you were sane and I was afraid of you, I still loved you. I always will."

Gaara cried.

Kankuro just held him. "Come on, man, it's okay. Just let it out. It's okay. I don't have anywhere to go, anyone to be with. I can just stay with you. It's okay."

Well, if he were as honest with Gaara was he were with himself, he would have told Gaara he didn't feel like getting a girlfriend. He hated that everyone's solution for everything was 'find a girlfriend'. It was stupid. He didn't need a girlfriend. He needed Temari to stop picking on him, Baki to get off his case, and Gaara to be happy. If he knew for sure that all those things were going to happen, he'd have it made for life.

_A girlfriend? That was totally not the point of all this_. Kankuro sighed to himself. _Standing up for myself and getting a girlfriend are two totally separate goals. They have nothing in common. _He supposed Gaara had thought that if he had a girlfriend, that girlfriend loving him would have made things better. Somehow. Kankuro honestly failed to follow the logic. Kankuro had to wonder if Gaara's feelings simply got the better of him this time.

What Kankuro really wanted...if he could admit this to himself at all...was just to have a happy family. He wanted his family to stop hurting and to be able to demonstrate their love to him. Gaara was doing that now...or, Kankuro thought Gaara had been. He was really devastated because he felt like he'd lost a brother again.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hours**

Chapter 13

* * *

><p>The next week and a half was awkward. It wasn't as though they avoided each other – they did everything with each other they did before. That was the problem. Kankuro felt as though he were desperately holding their broken relationship together with glue and hoping it would set. He didn't want to lose Gaara. He didn't want to lose what he had before. But knowing how Gaara felt – knowing that Gaara imagined him naked at least some of the time made him incredibly uncomfortable. When his brother looked at him, how did he know he wasn't being mentally violated?<p>

Kankuro didn't expect Gaara to understand. Gaara had never been subjected to being fantasized about before. Well, he had, but Gaara didn't understand that. Gaara had no idea what the girls of the village were thinking about him.

Sleeping in bed with Gaara beside him was probably the worst test of his trust. It comforted him marginally that they didn't sleep touching anymore. Gaara didn't even try it. His brother was polite to a fault.

And that was the problem. Kankuro couldn't decide if he had any right to feel threatened or not. He didn't want his brother to treat him like a sex symbol, and Gaara didn't. All Gaara would say was, 'I love you.' They made food together, did the dishes together. Kankuro taught his brother how to do laundry, and Gaara helped him with that. They dusted and vacuumed the house. It all felt like some kind of weird, long dream in which Kankuro could never quite let his guard down.

Or else it might turn into a nightmare.

Gaara pierced the silence during their evening meal of yakisoba. "Temari is due back soon."

Kankuro swallowed his mouthful of noodles. "Yeah. So?"

Gaara didn't look up from his bowl. He poked some sliced vegetables tentatively. "You shouldn't be here."

Kankuro snorted. "Where else am I supposed to go?"

"You can sleep overnight in the Puppet Corps. No one will question it."

Kankuro pointed at Gaara with his chopsticks. "You can't just throw me out of my house because Temari is coming back. Who knows know long she's going to stay this time before running off again."

Gaara gave Kankuro a pained look. "I am not throwing you out of the house because Temari is coming back. I want to make sure that your paths never cross because I don't want you to be hurt."

"Look. I've been thinking about this, and I decided that I've just been being a baby," Kankuro said. "What good does it do to hold grudges? She's going to be relocating and marrying Shikamaru anyway. I'll just wait for her to go away instead of starting anything. Why should I start a fight?"

"You said you would feel better about yourself if you could make her leave by sticking up for yourself," Gaara said.

Kankuro frowned at him. "It's not worth it. If I start a big stink, I'll just have to live in constant agony until she goes away. Why should I do that?"

Gaara started eating again, although he was clearly upset. "Do whatever you like."

"I'm not saying I'm disregarding your advice," Kankuro protested. "I've thought about it. I just don't think it's a good idea."

Gaara shrugged without looking at him. "Okay."

"I just don't think it's wise to start anything between me and Temari," Kankuro said, feeling like he was fighting a losing battle.

"It's your decision." Gaara looked at him. "Niisan, it really is. I can't make you do something against your will. You have to want to. And you don't. So I can't change your mind right now. I don't want you to get hurt. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I don't want you to stay and then get hurt. But I don't want you to go stay somewhere else if that hurts your feelings, too."

Kankuro stared down at his meal. He whispered, "I can't just hide." His eyes stung as he realized why he couldn't take Gaara's advice. In spite of his desperate need to save their relationship, he didn't trust Gaara to protect him against Temari. He didn't think Gaara would care as much now after being rejected. Secretly, Gaara was doing that just because he fantasized about having sex with his niisan someday. Even if Gaara didn't know that was the reason, Kankuro did.

He got up and walked away, and Gaara didn't stop him.

Kankuro flopped down on his bed and lay there, motionless. He longed for a way to escape without hurting anyone's feelings. A way that involved staying at home and not moving out. He knew if he could just hang on long enough, Temari might present that solution for him. But he understood Gaara's worry. It would probably be months before Temari married Shikamaru, months of intensive planning, and he would probably only get rid of her after having to play some part in her wedding.

Gaara knocked on his door.

"Come in."

His brother inched inside. "Niisan…"

Kankuro rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. "Yeah?"

"I won't bother you. I'll sleep in my own room tonight."

Kankuro shifted onto his side and looked at Gaara with one eye. "Are you sure?"

Gaara nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You can't help it."

"I'm still sorry." Gaara shut the door behind him and walked down the hallway.

* * *

><p>In the morning, the prodigal sister arrived. Kankuro heard the slamming of the front door and prepared himself to be as casual as possible. <em>Let her think I didn't even notice she was gone. <em>

"I'm back!" Temari announced. She came down the hallway and into the kitchen. She glanced at Kankuro sitting at the table, and Gaara standing at the stove making omelets. Then she flopped down into the chair to Kankuro's left. "What's up?"

Kankuro looked up from the newspaper as soon as he was sure he could hold his stoic mask in place. "Nothing."

"Really? Whatcha reading?"

Kankuro shrugged. "Just some article in the newspaper."

Temari snorted. "I can see that." She grabbed the newspaper from him and scanned the article, then dropped it on the table. "That's garbage."

"Oh?" Kankuro said dryly.

"Yeah! I ran through there on my way back here and it was nothing like that. Here's what really happened."

Kankuro forced himself to stay awake on Temari's treatise that the food shortage near the border wasn't as bad as it looked, and news reporters were just playing it up because the war was over and they still had headline fever.

Gaara came in at the tail end and plopped down breakfast in front of them. "Here you go." He glanced at Temari. "Welcome back. We've missed you."

"Yeah?" Temari nudged Kankuro with a smirk. "Someone doesn't act like it."

At being called out, Kankuro didn't know what to do. If being ignored made her that angry, he guessed he'd have to make some excuse for the cold shoulder routine. "I'm just tired."

"Stayed up all night reading manga?" Temari asked.

Kankuro glared at her. _Why does everything have to be something I did wrong? Why can't I just be tired?_ "No. I just couldn't sleep."

She raised her hands. "Oh. Don't get defensive. I didn't mean anything by it. It was just a question."

"Yeah, well, I'm cranky this morning." Kankuro sipped his tea.

"I can tell." She frowned at him. "Aren't you going to ask me how my trip went?"

"How'd your trip went?" Kankuro deadpanned.

"Ha ha."

Kankuro sighed and faced her again. "No, tell me. Seriously."

"Well, I wish it weren't three days away, but the weather was beautiful. Shikamaru and I had some interesting discussions about battle tactics you might like to hear, and I even went along with him on a few missions. It was kinda fun."

Kankuro smiled halfheartedly. "I'm glad for you."

Temari folded her arms behind her head. "Yeah, I'm gonna miss this when I move away to Konoha after I get married."

Kankuro spat out his tea. "What? You're moving away? Really?"

Temari nodded. "Yeah…I solidified the plans with Shikamaru's parents this week. They're willing to pay for everything including the wedding, and all, but only if I live there for good. And I did want a big wedding, and I didn't wanna put anyone out, and they do say it'll be nice to have me living there…" She sighed. "And I guess it is only three days away. I can come back whenever I want to visit. They're not going to hold me there like some prisoner. But as I said I will have to move there. So I guess this is goodbye to my little bros after all." She shrugged. "I'm an adult. I can manage."

Gaara sat down with his own omelet. "Temari, we will be happy to pay for the dress."

Temari smiled at him. "Thanks, Gaara." She winked. "Is there a price limit?"

Kankuro tried to hide his grimace as quickly as possible.

"No," Gaara said solemnly. "Provided you only get married once this year."

"I don't think I could possibly find a better guy than Shikamaru," Temari said. "He's everything to me. He's smart, and handsome, and is a good strategist…We can hold some real conversations. Not like those idiots I went to school with. I thought if I ended up with one of them I'd die."

"I'm glad you're not dead, then," Kankuro said. He ate his omelet in two bites and left his rice behind. "Well, I'm ready for work. I'll see you guys." He got up from the table and left.

"Where does he think he's going?" Temari asked rhetorically.

Kankuro didn't acknowledge that he'd heard her. He just kept walking, kept his back to the kitchen and made his escape.

* * *

><p>All day during missions the only thing he could think about was Temari saddling himself and Gaara with an enormous debt to pay for the wedding dress she wanted. He hoped it didn't come to that, but if a dress she wanted was too expensive, could he really expect Gaara to say no? Actually, he had no idea. Would the bond Gaara wanted with her win out, or would his brother's pragmatism and honesty?<p>

He almost envied his sister. She didn't know about Gaara's feelings, and anyway, she didn't have to have them directed at her. If she knew, she would probably just laugh her ass off about it.

Kankuro came home tired and miserable. He wasn't surprised that no one met him at the door. He slipped off his shoes and dragged himself upstairs for a shower, hoping that he'd feel better afterwards.

When he got out of the shower, scrubbed fresh, he did feel a lot better. But he couldn't get rid of the pervasive misery sinking ever deeper into the fiber of his being. He felt as though he'd been tormented by misery all his life, and it was just settling in again after a brief respite two weeks ago. What right did he have to be happy anyway? He mustn't have any, or he would be happy and people would have to respect his needs. Instead, it seemed as though Temari was the only one who got anything she wanted.

_She must be the only one blessed with any right to happiness, or else I'd be happy and she'd be miserable,_ Kankuro reasoned.

He walked downstairs to the kitchen and found Gaara and Temari in the midst of a cooking lesson.

Temari caught a glimpse of him and rolled her eyes. "Oh, great. He's come here to correct us both."

"What're you doing?" Kankuro asked. "And I didn't come here to correct anyone."

"I wanted it to be a surprise," Temari said crankily.

Gaara looked over his shoulder at Kankuro. "She wanted to try the recipe for pineapple upside down cake."

"Right now it's pineapple upside down glop." Temari scowled. "I can't figure out how to get the lumps out."

"Just stop mixing it and walk away for the next fifteen minutes," Kankuro said. "All the lumps will dissolve."

"That doesn't make any sense!" Temari protested.

"Yes, it does," Kankuro said. "The lumps in the batter are lumps of grain that haven't been fully hydrated yet. When you let the batter sit, the liquid has more time to penetrate the lumps of grain. As soon as the grains are fully hydrated, they will disappear into the batter and become homogenous."

She crossed her arms and tapped her foot. "So I'm doing it wrong."

"Well, how much have you stirred?" Kankuro asked.

"For, like, the past fifteen minutes," Temari said.

"It has only been five," Gaara said.

Kankuro tried not to smile. "Well, you've stirred up a lot of gluten, which means the cake will be chewier and tougher, but you haven't ruined anything."

"Great." Temari threw the wooden spoon at him.

He was too stunned to make a grab for it. The spoon hit him in the chest and fell to the floor.

"You handle it. I'm going to go take a shower. Since you're not hogging it anymore, that is. I wanted to take a shower like half an hour ago. Do I need to remind you that we live in a desert? Where do you think that water comes from?" She stomped out.

Kankuro looked down at his yukata and wanted to cry. His crisp, clean, freshly laundered yukata had a big splat of cake batter on it. And he'd just washed it yesterday so he could wear it today. This yukata was his favorite.

He tried to take deep breaths and just get over it. _I am not a baby. The yukata's not ruined, just dirty again. I'll manage._ What hurt was that he had honestly been trying to help. Temari wanted the logic, so he gave it to her.

Gaara bit his lip and then crossed the distance between them with a damp dishrag. "Oh, no." He started wiping off the batter. "I'm sorry. I didn't know she was going to get mad at you. Otherwise I would've warned you to leave the room. She was doing so well. She just got frustrated towards the end. I tried to get her involved in cooking so that she wouldn't bother you anymore." Instinctively, he stuck his hand in Kankuro's yukata to hold it up by the inside and scrubbed at the remaining stain.

Kankuro stared down at Gaara's hands. "It's okay." He sighed. "It's not going to come off anymore. I'm just going to get myself a different shirt. I'll be right back."

Gaara removed his hands.

Kankuro stepped back. For a moment, he was sure he was actually going to cry. Then he walked back upstairs and changed into a clean yukata. Blue this time. Far from his favorite, but he had to wear it. He threw his black yukata in the corner and shut the door behind him on the way out of the room. _You know, screw this. I'm going to go work on my puppets. Gaara can make something for dinner. I won't even have any._

Thirty minutes later Kankuro felt Gaara's chakra at the door with resignation. _How did I know it wasn't this easy to run away?_

He didn't say anything.

Gaara came in anyway.

"Hi," Kankuro said. He was determined not to face his brother. If he did, he knew he was going to see disappointment and betrayal on Gaara's face. He didn't want to. He didn't think he could bear it.

"I brought you some dinner," Gaara said quietly. He set down the bowl on Kankuro's workbench. "I made gyoza. It wasn't hard."

Kankuro glanced at the potstickers and then at Gaara's face. "So now you're going to take my place as Temari's whipping boy? Don't be stupid. She better have helped make these or you're wasting your time."

"Whipping boy?"

Kankuro turned away. "Look. I'm sorry I abandoned you out there. I hate what she does to me but I just left you to it. I left you to make dinner like I would have." His jaw clenched. "I guess I'm just a big hypocrite, then."

Gaara wrapped his arms around Kankuro from behind and hugged his niisan. "I don't blame you. You're the one doing that."

Kankuro let his ototo cling to him, stunned. He had to admit there was nothing sexual about this hug. It was just affectionate. His little brother was just being sweet to him.

"I don't feel like it's right to make you feed me," Kankuro said softly.

Gaara released him.

He turned to look at his brother and found Gaara holding a potsticker out to him, pinched delicately between chopsticks. Gaara tilted his head.

Kankuro just looked at him.

"There's a difference." Gaara looked determined. "There is a difference between making someone do it and doing it because you want to. I want to feed you."

"I…" Kankuro sighed. He didn't know what to say, except… "I do want to feed you. I did want to feed Temari. She just…she took the fun out of it, after a while. She would never help me back. She would never give me a break when I needed it. She made me feel like I…like I was being tortured to do it. That made it not okay, _jan_. Not the act of feeding itself. I'd love to do that. If I thought I really got any appreciation. You – I know you appreciate it when I feed you." Kankuro swallowed.

Gaara brandished the potsticker at him again. "Then eat this. And know that I care."

Kankuro sighed and took the chopsticks from his brother. "Alright, alright, I'm eating it." True to his word, he stuffed the potsticker in his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. It was cold. He didn't care. As soon as he felt the food hit bottom, his stomach growled. "I guess I was pretty hungry," he said reluctantly.

Gaara nodded solemnly.

Kankuro picked up the bowl and ate the rest of his dinner.

Gaara brushed his hair back from his forehead, paused, and then moved his hand away. "I love you, niisan." He took Kankuro's bowl and left the room.

_Am I just being ungrateful? _Kankuro stood up and followed Gaara out of the room before he knew it. He caught up to his brother in the living room and grabbed Gaara's arm before his ototo could get any further. "Hi."

Gaara turned around, brows arched quizzically.

"Hey," Kankuro said. "Thank you. I want you to know you're a really great brother." He pulled Gaara into a hug.

Gaara almost dropped the bowl. He stood completely still for a moment, and then his body relaxed into Kankuro's embrace.

"Touching," Temari drawled. "Where's mine?"

Kankuro's head snapped up. Temari stood on the staircase, almost at the bottom.

Gaara pulled away, turned around, and shifted Kankuro's bowl to his other hand, almost hiding it behind his back.

"I went to go find you, but you weren't in your room," Temari said. "Guess Gaara found you first." She crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. "So what's up, little brother? Why're you so pissed at me? I come back, and it's all you can do to say hi at me." She walked down the last few steps and joined them in the living room.

Gaara looked like a startled extra in someone else's scene. Kankuro felt sorry for him.

Temari stood three steps directly in front of Kankuro, staring at him. "You know, you used to confide your problems to me."

_That's because there used to be two of us!_ Kankuro wanted to shout. _One of us was flipping insane! We didn't even know him. If we got too close Shukaku would tell us to back off, and we would, because we were scared for our lives. _

She glanced at Gaara, and her incisive look was not friendly. She pointedly bored her gaze into Kankuro. "I don't know why you wanted to confide in your younger brother. He's not the one with all the experience. I thought I was your older sibling. I'm the one who has actual advice to offer. All Gaara's got is philosophical bullcrap. He made most of it up."

Kankuro stepped forward, jaw clenched. "Look! You don't attack Gaara when you're mad at me, okay? You just don't do it."

Temari turned away and shrugged in one movement. "Whatever, ototo. I'm going to get some dinner." She walked off to the kitchen.

Kankuro fumed. He was stuck in place. He didn't know whether to pursue her and start a fight, or to stay here and tend to Gaara. He knew Gaara had to be hurting. He turned to his brother and was shocked to see a bland expression on his ototo's face.

Gaara looked at him with an absolute lack of expression. "She's jealous." His voice was pitched so that Temari wouldn't overhear. "I don't understand it, but she's jealous. She thinks she ought to be the sole person you confide in because she has more life experience. She doesn't understand that you two are completely different personalities, and that difference renders her opinions useless."

Kankuro's jaw dropped. "You're – You're not hurt by the stupid things she said?"

Gaara shrugged. "It wasn't personal. She's angry with you, not at me. It has nothing to do with my abilities as a person. She feels betrayed because she perceives herself as holding the privileged byline to your heart. She doesn't. She's angry. It's mine now, and she doesn't know how to get it back."

"Confiding in her never made me feel better," Kankuro mumbled, staring at the floor. His vision was out of focus. "I only did it because she was the only person around to hear me. Actually, she'd make me feel worse afterwards, sometimes. Like I didn't even have a valid reason to feel the way I did in the first place. Her method of giving advice is to shoot me down."

Gaara reached over and squeezed Kankuro's hand. "I want to give advice without shooting you down."

Kankuro patted Gaara's hand. "You do. You don't make me feel like you're just listening to shoot me down. I appreciate that."

Gaara's expression of vulnerability and pain hurt to look at. "I scared you, didn't I? I made you want to run away."

Kankuro impulsively hugged him. "Yes, but you don't anymore. It's all over to me. I don't feel that way anymore."

"You don't?"

"Really. I don't. I want you to be with me again." Kankuro chewed his lip, but he had to say it. "I'd rather die than be stuck with Temari by myself."

At that moment, Temari chose to yell from the kitchen, "It's cold! How come you didn't tell me dinner was ready when it was hot?"

Gaara smiled reassuringly at Kankuro and walked into the kitchen. Kankuro overheard, "Because you were taking a bath. I didn't want to disturb you. Would you have cut your bath short because I said dinner was ready?"

"I don't know. Probably not. But I still would have liked to be told! Don't ignore me, too. Kankuro's already giving me the icy silence treatment."

Kankuro sighed. He walked upstairs and made himself comfortable in bed. He didn't want to go to sleep, he just didn't want to be anywhere else, either. And he could actually think in here. He had some privacy.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hours**

Chapter 14

* * *

><p>Kankuro's cyclical thoughts went nowhere productive. He wanted space between him and Temari, but he didn't want to leave the house, and Temari really didn't either. Temari was going to even though she didn't want to because over the past week on Konoha, pragmatism won over pride, and she'd decided she wanted Shikamaru, whatever the guy cost. Yet, he'd have to deal with Temari's unpredictable comings and goings at least until summer – he'd known for years that Temari coveted a summer wedding. And it made sense. She needed time to plan. She wouldn't want to get married without receiving maximum attention in the process.<p>

But where did that leave him? He was afraid he was going to be more invisible than usual. Temari's self-centered behavior would be indulged, even lauded. Picky brides were legendary. After all, when marriage was permanent – and the norm was still that divorce was taboo – women only had one wedding in their lives. They had to make it a big enough event to savor in memory for the next fifty, sixty, or even seventy years. Kankuro had seen the family album often enough to know that his parents' wedding had been nauseatingly trendy. His dad had peeled off a lot of dough from his savings to make that wedding happen. Temari, of course, had been fascinated by their parents' wedding pictures. No doubt the idea that a wedding was a once-in-a-lifetime spending spree had sunk in by osmosis.

And what role would he have to play in this extravaganza? What role could he possibly play without being farcical? He hated the idea of attending Temari's wedding, much less doing something. Knowing Temari, she'd suggest that he be the maid of honor. His sister did not have female friends.

He tried to read to distract himself – the manga that Temari had made fun of his interest in– but he couldn't get into the story. He ended up trying to hard that his head hurt from the pictures. Finally, he had to admit his defeat and just throw it across the room.

Sighing, he glanced at his bedside clock. It was one in the morning.

Kankuro thought about asking Gaara to sleep in his room again, but he knew that would be wrong. Wouldn't he just be opening himself up to the kind of attention from Gaara he didn't want?

Then again, what if he visited Gaara in Gaara's room? That wouldn't be the same at all.

Kankuro slipped out of bed and then stopped at the door, chewing his lip. What if Gaara wasn't up?

He took a chance, creeping down the hall, and saw light under Gaara's door. He let out a sigh of relief and slipped up to his ototo's door. He paused for a moment, not wanting to be overheard, and knocked very softly.

Then he opened the door and came in.

Gaara looked up. His brother sat on the edge of his bed, reading a scroll. He was fully clothed, just as he would be in his office.

Kankuro glanced around. He'd been in Gaara's room several times, but the potted cacti situated around the room always seemed to change.

"Hi," Gaara said.

Kankuro ran a hand through his hair. "Hi."

"I didn't expect you to be up this early," Gaara said. He set the scroll down on his dresser. "Is there something wrong?"

Kankuro shrugged. "I don't know." He looked at the carpet. "Probably."

Gaara patted the bed next to him. "Want to talk about it?"

"I don't know." Kankuro crossed the room and sat down beside his brother anyway. He stared down at his hands. "What I really meant is yes, I guess."

Gaara put his arm around Kankuro.

Kankuro leaned against his brother. In the back of his mind, he was worried that Gaara wouldn't be able to help doing something inappropriate, but he desperately needed the comfort. "Gaara…Are you going to make me go to Temari's wedding?"

Gaara's eyes widened.

"That came out wrong! I meant –" Kankuro bit his lip. "Are you gonna be mad at me if I don't wanna go? No – I mean – " He took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. "I don't know what I mean. Forget about it."

"Kankuro, don't beat yourself up about it," Gaara said softly. "You didn't say anything wrong. You asked me if I would weigh in against you as Kazekage and force you to go to Temari's wedding to save face. Am I right?"

Kankuro nodded, still staring at the ceiling.

Gaara squeezed him. "Well, I won't. If you want to I can send you on an important mission when the time comes. I can make the argument that I really needed you to do it. Temari won't be able to complain."

Kankuro squeezed his eyes shut. "You'd really do that for me?"

"Yes."

"Why?" He steeled himself, and then looked at his brother. "I know you know I won't have sex with you."

"I don't care about that," Gaara said flatly.

Kankuro stared at him. "You don't?"

"No." Gaara was grim. "I still love you. I am not going to stop loving you because you won't have sex with me."

"I…"

"That wouldn't be real love. Would it?"

Kankuro looked away. "No. I guess not."

Gaara squeezed him. "You think I can't really love you because no one loves you and you feel alone."

"Gaara," Kankuro protested.

"It's true." Gaara's eyes bored into him. "I'm not going to let you go on thinking no one loves you, because I do. No matter what it takes. No matter what sacrifices have to be made. None of them matter when measured against your happiness. The thing I want to achieve. Your happiness. I don't care if you never sleep with me. I'll still love you and I'll still do all the things that I do now."

Kankuro wrapped his arms around Gaara's neck, trying not to cry. "Can I sleep here tonight?"

Gaara looked startled. "Sure. If you want to."

Kankuro couldn't explain. He'd never had a bond like he had with Gaara, and he thought he'd lost it, and he'd been devastated. Downstairs, in the living room, he'd realized there might be something left, something he could work on to salvage. What his brother just said was that the bond was still there after all, pristine and new, after all of the devastation going on around it.

He couldn't articulate what he really wanted. He couldn't even comprehend what he was searching for, what he expected a girl to do for him if he were dating her. All he knew was that he hadn't found the response he wanted yet. There had to be some kind of sympathetic depth to people for him to react emotionally. The only person he'd found so far that allowed him to react emotionally was Gaara.

Gaara let Kankuro nest in his bed, allowing his niisan to snuggle up close to him. Kankuro knew he was abusing his privileged status in Gaara's eyes, but a hidden streak of selfishness prevented him from turning down the offered comfort. He was teasing Gaara, really, being this close and not offering anything Gaara really wanted.

But Gaara let him stay here, and offered no comments except a murmured, "Good night."

In the morning, they both acted as though it hadn't happened, and at breakfast Temari was apparently none the wiser.

* * *

><p>Kankuro spent the day teaching at the Puppet Corp. First, he was teaching puppet crafting to a handful of advanced students. The puppet crafting workshop in the Puppet Corp was huge, filled with machines, and perennially dusty. <em>It must be a nightmare for the janitor,<em> Kankuro thought, sneezing upon entry. Students were notorious for not cleaning up after themselves as well as they could.

Kankuro started the lesson the same way he always did. He clapped his hands to get attention and then announced dryly, "Be careful with the saws. Remember, they cut on the pull stroke, not the push. Control your cuts."

The students, each at their own worktable, took up their _noko giri _sawsand started their free work time. They all had their independent puppet designs to finish by the end of the week. A simple task, to Kankuro's mind, but it had been all he could do last week to get the students to design puppets in the first place. For some reason, students always had the misapprehension that all puppets were handed down, and no new puppets were ever made.

_If that were true,_ Kankuro thought, mentally rolling his eyes, _then there would be no puppets to hand down to you guys because they would all have been broken hundreds of years ago by the first batch of clumsy students around here. _

A student raised his hand.

Kankuro walked over to their table. "Yes?"

"I can't get the saw to do what I want!"

"How did you do this?"

The student lifted the saw to the wood and made a motion in the air.

Kankuro frowned. "You're using the wrong side."

The student flushed. "I'm sorry. It's been a hard day."

"Concentrate on not cutting off your fingers. That'll make it an even harder day."

As soon as the class period was over, Kankuro was first out the door to book it to the next class. He had a passing period just like everybody else, and if he were late too many times, the students would ride his case.

"I just can't get into it." The young voice of a male student whining came from the hall to Kankuro's left.

"Can't you just do it?" A deep voice responded.

"It's too big!"

Kankuro stopped in his tracks, took two steps back, and looked down the hallway.

An instructor glared down at a student with an armload of scrolls.

"The research needs to be done," the instructor said.

"It's so boring," the student said. "This project is too big. Can't you cut it down by like five sources? I'm getting enough work as it is."

"Do it or fail. I don't care." The instructor walked away.

Kankuro swallowed, noticed he was ready to be ill, and fought down the quivering in his stomach. He laced his fingers behind his head and sighed, walking once more towards his destination. _What the hell? What the hell is wrong with me? _What had he thought they were talking about? _Oh, god. Don't answer that, brain._

It was a long day.

Kankuro was more than glad to be home. He slipped off his shoes and called, "Gaara, I'm home! I need to talk to you about something. I think –"

He stopped cold in the entrance to the kitchen. Gaara wasn't there, but Temari was. His sister stood by the table.

"Gaara's still at the office," Temari said. "What is it? Maybe I can help you with it."

"It's nothing, _jan_." Kankuro dropped into a chair and stared at the table.

"Come on," Temari whined. "You can tell me."

Kankuro took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to explain the situation without giving anything away. He ground his teeth. Finally, he said, "I met somebody."

"Oh?" Temari leaned over the table. "Who?"

"Just a person!" Kankuro fidgeted.

"Sorry. You don't wanna tell me. I guess that's fine. So…go on."

Kankuro looked away. "I could tell the person liked me. But I don't know what to do about it."

"Is that what you were asking Gaara advice for?" Temari asked. "Advice on a girl?"

Kankuro winced. "Kinda."

Temari shook her head. "He's more of a shut-in than you are. How much experience can he have with girls? Kankuro, you should've come to me. For all I know, he's already messed this up. You need advice from someone who's been dating."

Kankuro shrugged.

She narrowed her eyes. "Is this because I'm a girl? Is that why you didn't talk to me?"

"No." Kankuro scowled.

"Why, then?" Temari asked.

He lifted his head and glared at her. "I thought you wouldn't understand."

Temari sat back. "Well, let's see, shall we?" She gestured. "Proceed with the story."

"Well, this person made a pass at me and I didn't know what to think about it," Kankuro snapped.

"So you're just avoiding her?" Temari raised her eyebrows.

"No," Kankuro said. "Not exactly. I mean…I see them every day."

"Ooh, is it a student?" Temari grinned. "Kankuro!"

Kankuro blushed. "No!"

"You've got nothing to be ashamed of," Temari said. "Some women like older men. That's just the way it is." She shrugged.

"It's not a student!" Kankuro snapped.

Temari's eyes widened.

Kankuro opened his mouth, but she beat him out.

"Holy crap, is that implying what I think you're implying?" Temari stared at him. "Gah. There aren't any female teachers your age – or anyone's age! You got hit on by a man?"

Kankuro hung his head, ashamed.

"Dude, bro, why didn't you just say no?" Temari asked. "Were you afraid of hurting his feelings?"

"Yeah, mostly," Kankuro mumbled.

"You're thinking about it."

Kankuro reddened and resisted the urge to hide his face. "So what?" The fact that he was thinking about it was news to him. Until Temari accused him ham-handedly and everything, he hadn't thought there was even a small part of him that was curious about having sex with… _No. No. I am not having sex with Gaara. That can't be what I was considering. That's incest. That's wrong. _

"I just didn't think you were gay, that's all." Temari shrugged, totally blasé. "That's cool. Do whatever you want."

Kankuro's head snapped up. "But isn't that a bit of a problem? Me being gay? And – and I'm not gay!"

Temari smirked. "You just like him. Is that it?"

"Oh, go away," Kankuro said irritably.

She laughed. "Make me. Or better yet, bro, why don't you just sit down and shut up and take my advice?"

"What?"

Temari folded her arms across her chest. "Do it. See what it feels like. You need a change of pace after all those girls who dumped you. I don't think you gave the other side a fair chance."

"Look, I'm not like that." Kankuro scowled at the table. "I don't swing both ways." He felt irritated that thanks to samurai, there was even a concept of manly men having sex together.

"Give it a shot. Do you have any better ideas?" Temari asked. "I mean, this guy seriously wants you to, if he can make you feel this bad. And you like him, or else you wouldn't feel bad either way. Give him a chance. And if it really wasn't meant to work out, then it won't. You'll be free in a few weeks anyway, and no one will ever know. Who's going to gossip? Him?"

Kankuro squeezed his eyes shut. "But it doesn't seem fair."

"All's fair in love and war, bro." Temari hopped up. "Well, see ya." She walked out of the kitchen.

That left Kankuro to roil in his own confusion.

* * *

><p>Over the next two weeks, everything started to sound like innuendo to Kankuro. People eating lunch. People playing games. People talking about their weekends with their parents. It was ridiculous – and traumatizing.<p>

_Why am I hearing this stuff?_ Kankuro agonized on the way out of Gaara's office. _Is it just me? Does no one else know they're saying it? What does it sound like to them?  
><em> Just yesterday a student came up behind him and announced, 'I've got wood.' Did that seem like a good idea? He'd wanted to kill that student.

Head down, Kankuro was taken completely by surprise when he crashed into someone. Strong hands grabbed his arms and steadied him. The grasp was instinctively familiar. Kankuro's head snapped up.

Baki stared at him, eyebrow arched critically. "Look where you're going, Kankuro."

Kankuro took a step back.

Baki released him, allowing him to do it.

"I – I'm sorry," Kankuro stammered. He put on a grin. "You'd think I would've learned by now not to slam into people. I guess this is one of those days, _jan_."

Baki's eyes narrowed. "You look terrible. Go to a psych nin."

Kankuro's jaw dropped. "What?" _I thought I was hiding it well! No one else has said anything. _

"I've known you long enough to know that when you get that look on your face, it's bad." Baki gestured, outlining Kankuro's face with a swoop of his index finger. He folded his hands behind his back. "Go to a psych nin before you fall down on the job." He turned around and left.

Kankuro stared after his old teacher. _I don't need to go to a psych nin. What's he talking about?_ He scowled.

He kept up that front all the way out of the Kazekage Complex._ I don't need a head doctor. Baki needs one if he thinks I'm gonna listen to anything he has to say. _

He found himself sneaking across town to go to the psych nin, after using a transformation jutsu so he couldn't be recognized. The last thing he needed to do was generate public gossip that he was screwed up in the head.

The psych center was totally deserted. Kankuro walked into the waiting room, looked around at the stiff chairs and potted plants, and dispensed with the jutsu. _So the people here will know it's me. Whatever. That's inevitable. _

Kankuro looked around, trying to figure out what to do. There was no receptionist. Finally, he saw a little gong on the front counter with a tiny sign next to it. The sign said, 'Please ring this gong for service.' "For crying out…" Kankuro didn't finish his sentence. He signed, picked up the little mallet, and rang the gong.

The door that led deeper into the building opened. A man with long black hair drawn into a ponytail stood in the doorway.

Kankuro frowned. "You're the psych nin?"

"Yes," the man said. He sized Kankuro up with surprise. "You don't have a referral…You must be here for walk in hours."

Kankuro crossed his arms. "Aren't you a little young to be listening to anybody's problems? What expertise have you got? Words out of a book?"

The psych nin bowed deeply. "My name is Ichiro. Please come in, Kankuro-sama. Please make yourself at home."

"None of that Kankuro-sama stuff while I'm here," Kankuro said.

"Alright." Ichiro smiled and nodded. "We'll just call you Kankuro-san, then."

"Whatever."

"I am impressed you came without a referral," the psych nin said. "Most shinobi are too embarrassed to lose face by asking for mental help."

"Don't be," Kankuro said sourly. "The referral came in the form of Baki telling it to my face."

"You resent that," the man guessed. "Because even though Baki-san can see through you, he has never once done anything to emotionally support you. He acts as though he doesn't care."

Kankuro reddened. "We're not here to talk about my issues. Stop with the creepy stuff."

"Creepy is an interesting word," the psych nin commented, leading Kankuro down a hallway. "A word I've often heard leveled against you. Haven't you?"

"I do that," Kankuro said shortly. "I use insults other people have used. Don't call me a hypocrite."

The psych nin laughed. "That was not my intention."

"Sure it wasn't," Kankuro muttered. He followed the man at a good five paces behind. _Damn it. Why am I here? _

Ichiro spoke without turning around. "You are very aggressive, you know. Could it be that you really are embarrassed, but you are loathe to admit it, because you feel there is some shame or loss of face by being emotional?"

"I said cut it out!"

"I apologize," the psych nin said smoothly, without the loss of the verbal smile in his tone. He stopped and turned around. "Here we are. Please make yourself comfortable in my office."

Kankuro's legs felt shaky as he walked into the office. A first glimpse revealed a small water feature with a bamboo fountain in the middle of it, the kind that see-sawed. The rhythmic sound of water rushing was supposed to be soothing.

At the end of the room was a place to sit down, with large cushions and a tatami mat.

"Please sit where you like," Ichiro said. "Would you like any tea?"

"No, thank you." Kankuro gritted his teeth and sat down on one of the cushions.

"What can I do to ease your mind?" Ichiro sat down across from Kankuro.

"I need some advice," Kankuro said sourly. _Not that I want to get it from you. Looks like I don't have a choice._

"You sound thrilled." Ichiro chuckled gently.

"I don't wanna be put at ease, I don't wanna be comforted, I just want the truth given to me straight," Kankuro said.

"What is it you wish to know?" the psych nin asked.

"If I'm doing the right thing," Kankuro said. He looked away. "I mean, what I haven't done. I won't do it. If I need to – I don't know! Why are you asking all these questions?"

"I'm just trying to help." Ichiro shrugged. "You seem confused."

"Well, I'm not!" Kankuro snapped.

Silence.

Kankuro ground his teeth and said grudgingly, "Well, maybe a little." He sighed. "Okay, a lot. But don't make fun of me, _jan_."

"I would never do that," Ichiro said gently. "You can trust me. You are my client. I never make fun of my clients. I only try to tell them the truth."

"Alright." Kankuro sighed. "There's this guy. We've known each other for years, we really care about each other, and a few weeks ago I found out he was gay, and he likes me. I'm really eaten up about it inside, _jan_. I don't know what to do. I like him, but I don't like him that way. I don't want our friendship to be over, but…" He gestured helplessly.

Ichiro watched him closely. "Have you told him how you feel?"

"Yeah, _jan_! And he says it's okay!"

"Do you believe him?"

Kankuro looked down at his hands. "Well, yeah. His behavior hasn't changed."

"So what's the problem?" the psych nin asked. "Unless you're actually thinking about it."

Kankuro glared at him.

"I'm only trying to tell you the truth," Ichiro said. "Your source of conflict comes from within, not from him and you. You want to take him up on it, but you're afraid."

"It's complicated. There's no way I could take him up on it, even if I wanted to."

"Why not?" Ichiro asked.

Kankuro scowled. "It's wrong."

"Is it wrong because he's gay, or is there something else?"

Kankuro looked away.

"There's something else," Ichiro said. "And it's fairly big, too – at least to you."

"Cut that out, _jan_."

"You can leave if you like," Ichiro said. "But I think you need my advice."

"Don't rub it in."

"You want to know why it's wrong, and if it's wrong, how you can get around it," the psych nin said.

Kankuro glared at him. "How do you know any such thing, _jan_? What if I don't wanna get around it? What if I just don't wanna deal with it at all?"

"Well, you clearly can't do that," Ichiro said softly.

Kankuro winced and looked down.

"What is it? What is it that has you so worried?"

Kankuro took a deep breath. "He's – He's not just my friend. He's my…my…"

"Teacher?" Ichiro suggested.

Kankuro's head snapped up. "What? No!" He stared at Ichiro in disgust. "What the hell, man?"

Ichiro smiled. "Then there's only one other person it could be."

Kankuro felt his expression change to horror. "No way." He jumped up. "No, way, man! How could you?" He laced his fingers behind his head and turned away. "How could you trick me like that? That – that's horrible, _jan_! I can't believe you did that! What kind of psych nin are you?"

"One that helps you face your own truths." Ichiro stood up. He held out his hand. "You don't need to run away from me, Kankuro-san. I'm one of the few people who is going to understand you and what you're facing. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I am honor-bound to keep my clients' secrets a secret."

Kankuro hesitantly sat back down. "What do you mean, _jan_? Do you mean you're not surprised by this? How could that be possible? I'm surprised that he even –"

"Because I know the Kazekage-sama," Ichiro said. "I've studied him. Not personally, but from afar. Professional curiosity, and all that. I couldn't help myself. He's a very interesting man." His expression became grim. "And he has attachment issues."

Kankuro's jaw dropped. "Attachment issues?"

"Anyone would after what he's been through." Ichiro shook his head. "There are only two people he does trust, and they are you and Temari-sama."

Kankuro couldn't breathe. "That's true."

"He could only turn to one or the other of you for help," Ichiro said.

"What kind of help?"

The psych nin looked sad. "Help exploring his adult sexuality. It is an issue that must come up, now that he is free of Shukaku and in a position of power, in which people expect him to propagate heirs. He must explore his self, and he must bring someone along for the ride – and the only people he can trust are his brother and sister. He was doomed to choose either one or the other. You've simply answered the question for me as to which one of you he picks."

"But I can't –"

"If Suna's going to have a future, you can," Ichiro said.

Kankuro stared at him.

"Temari-sama is going to Konoha," the psych nin pointed out. "By the laws of that country, her heirs will belong to the clan she marries into."

"How do you know all this, _jan_?" Kankuro scowled. "News sure gets around."

Ichiro pointed at him. "The question is, are you comfortable fathering heirs?"

Kankuro recoiled.

"Well, that answers that question."

Kankuro glared at him. "Stay out of my business!"

"If you don't want to work on your issues, and you don't want to start your own family, you have to help the Kazekage form his," Ichiro said. "You acknowledge that as far as your private lives are concerned, I am in a position of power. I have information no one else has, and I am not allowed to release it."

Kankuro swallowed. His throat was dry. "What are you saying?"

Ichiro gazed into his eyes. "I am saying that for these purposes only, provided that you don't feel your brother will abuse the power he has over you, I can authorize you to hold an incestuous relationship with the Kazekage in the hopes that you will train him how to behave to a wife."

Kankuro choked. "You're insane. I'm out of here." He stood up and walked out, and did not look back.

He didn't take five steps down the street before he had the horrifying realization that the psych nin was right.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hours**

Chapter 15

* * *

><p>Kankuro clutched his head, gripped with despair. He felt as though his brain was a toothpick someone was trying to snap in two. His heart raced. <em>There's nowhere for me to run. There's nowhere for me to go to. <em>Gaara was the only person who seemed interested in protecting him at all, but according to the psych nin, Gaara was also the person who wouldn't give up until his own sexual needs were met.

_And I thought it was okay! _Tears stung Kankuro's eyes. When Gaara said their relationship wasn't about sex, Kankuro believed him. Now Kankuro didn't know what to believe all over again.

_What if I confide in him, what if I tell him what the psych nin says, and he just agrees with Ichiro and molests me?_ When it came down to sheer strength, Gaara was stronger – a lot stronger. _I wouldn't stand a chance._

_Oh, god, Temari might be my only chance at survival after all. And I just ruined things with her. She thinks I'm a psycho._ Sure, she'd helped him a couple weeks ago, but as usual, Temari hadn't actually waited for him to ask for help, and she hadn't posed any solutions. She'd just barraged him with advice he couldn't take. Nosiness was not a sign of care. Temari could become curious about complete strangers, dispense advice, and then never talk to them again.

_What if Gaara molests me, and Temari doesn't even care? _Panic hit Kankuro in the stomach. He looked around wildly. _No, calm down, I'm in public. I've got to be calm. I can wait until I'm somewhere safe before I explode._

Kankuro walked around in circles until he noticed what he was doing and stopped, dazed. _Okay…_ He looked around. _Where am I?_ The middle of town. _How do I get home?_ Well, he could see the Kazekage Complex's roof from where he stood. So he knew that. _Do I want to go home?_ The answer was no.

He was stymied. _Where do I go?_

And…there was really only one other option.

Kankuro felt as though his intestines fell out onto his sandals. _Oh, god_. He swore to himself he would never go there again. But he didn't really have a choice, did he? He had to just go there and wait. Kankuro wiped sweat off of his forehead.

Then he walked the five blocks to Baki's house.

He waited in the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen table. He stared blankly at the worn tiles of the kitchen floor for roughly two hours, disassociating. He couldn't feel anything at all. Kankuro figured this was the only thing keeping him from something drastic.

Finally, there came the sound of the front door opening.

Kankuro lifted his head as Baki came in and put on a wavering smile. "H-Hi, Baki. I thought I could spend some time with you. I haven't seen you much lately…" He hoped he could butter Baki up sufficiently. Sometimes, Baki seemed as impenetrable to ingratiation as a rock. It was not a quality that made Kankuro feel particularly safe.

Baki looked at Kankuro blankly, then shifted his grocery bag to one arm so he could close the door. "Kankuro." Then he crossed the small kitchen and set the bag of groceries down on the table. He stood over Kankuro, not judging so much as simply frowning.

Kankuro's pained smile widened. "Yeah. I'm a mess." _This is kinda like when Gaara got kidnapped and I got poisoned. He was there for me then, sort of. But I don't know how he feels now. _

"Did you go to the psych nin?" The question was fired off immediately, with clipped intensity.

Kankuro trembled just at the mention of visiting the psych nin. "I don't think it helped, Baki."

"You're worse." A statement of fact.

_Oh, great, we're getting somewhere._ He felt a small spurt of relief. Kankuro wiped sweat off of his forehead with his sleeve. "Uh-huh." He let that sit for a while. "I didn't know where else to go."

Baki shifted slightly, making a decision. "Make yourself at home."

Kankuro let his breath out, relieved.

Baki turned away and started putting away the groceries in the refrigerator. Kankuro watched, oddly soothed by the ordinary quality of the action. When Baki finished, he carefully folded up the paper bag, stowed it in a paper bag full of other bags by the refrigerator, and turned to Kankuro again. He studied his student for a moment. Then he pulled the remaining chair away from the other end of the table, brought it close to Kankuro, and sat.

Kankuro let the silence hang. His calm was fleeting. He wanted to hang onto it, even though it was dripping away. Finally, he realized, _Oh, god, there's no other way to say this. It's all or nothing._ "Baki…If I was molested or raped, would you care?"

Baki stared at him. "You've been…"

"No!" Kankuro shot to his feet. He took a deep breath and sat back down. "No, not yet. I mean, I don't think so – I don't think I will be. But I do. I mean, I do worry about it. Sometimes." He realized that made him sound like a girl. He thought the fear of rape was a girl thing. His fear didn't make him feel any better at all concerning his sexuality.

Baki placed his hand on Kankuro's shoulder, a miracle of physical contact. "Who is threatening you – or making you feel threatened?"

Kankuro swallowed. "Guh…" He couldn't get this out. He flinched. "G-Gaara." His throat closed up. _Oh, god, I'm a freak, I'm a freak who's scared of my brother, my brother the Kazekage, and it's not even his problem, he says he won't do it, he says it's fine, but it's me. I think I can't say no. What's wrong with me? Don't I want to do it if that's how I feel? Don't I really feel attracted to him if I can't say no to him? What am I going to do with myself? How can I protect myself when I can't say no? I can't function. I can't do this. _

Baki's eyebrows raised.

"He hasn't threatened me!" Kankuro burst out. His voice died. "I just…can't help feeling threatened anyway."

"But why?" Baki's eyes searched his.

"That's – That's a good question, Baki." Kankuro's voice wavered, and he felt warm tears trickling down his face slowly.

"Kankuro, you're not insane," Baki said flatly.

Kankuro almost hiccupped from the sharp intake of breath. He was so shocked that his tears failed to fall. "What?"

"You're not insane. I didn't send you to the psych nin because I thought you were insane. I sent you because you were stressed." Baki sighed and bowed his head reflectively. "I go to the psych nin when I am stressed. I have a stress problem." He glanced at Kankuro. "I have been going for years. This is not a new development."

Kankuro looked at Baki expressionlessly. He was so surprised that everything in his mind went blank. _Baki-san…goes to a psych nin_. "Which one?"

Baki shrugged.

Kankuro flinched. "Shit, that's confidential! I'm sorry, Baki-san, I'm sorry I asked. I shouldn't have –"

"I don't care," Baki said.

Kankuro stared at him.

"I just don't see the point of talking about the person's name," Baki said. He gave a little nod. "Nakamura. He has been practicing since I was a teenager. I've gone on and off for fifteen years."

Kankuro blinked. He didn't think there should be any stigma attached to that. He was more interested than anything else. He'd never imagined that shinobi – jonin like Baki, no less - went to psych-nins. And not for fifteen years. _That's one hell of a long time_. "Wow…Baki…" He cleared his throat. "What kind of stress? I mean, you said stress, but you didn't really say what for."

Baki visibly composed an answer. "I snap at people when I am upset. Stressful things upset me."

"You snap at people?" Kankuro pondered that. When he thought of snapping, he thought of swear words. But he'd never heard Baki swear. "I don't think I've ever seen you do that."

Baki looked at him as if there was some kind of incredible irony. "No?"

"No." Kankuro shook his head.

"I snap at you."

Kankuro's brow furrowed. If that was supposed to be some kind of hint, it wasn't a very good one. "When?"

Baki was silent for a moment. Then he said, "When Gaara died."

Kankuro's eyes widened.

"The council meeting that took place when Gaara was already dead," Baki said. "It was simply that none of us knew it at that exact second."

Kankuro felt a cold wind of foreboding.

"I snapped at you for merely defending your brother against the councilman," Baki continued inexorably.

Kankuro swallowed. He wanted to vomit. "You – You were just doing your job. You know, keeping me in line. The Kazekages and everything. They were watching. You know? The statues, and every…"

Baki shook his head.

"…thing." Kankuro stopped and let Baki have room to talk. He was suddenly curious about what Baki could have to say.

"I didn't snap at you because of any disrespect. I snapped at you because I was upset. That was wrong." He looked down at his hands. "That was one of the things that I tackled in therapy. It was wrong for me. I knew that, but I still did it. I couldn't stop myself, because that is my pressure release valve. Yelling." He was silent for a moment. "I want a different one. One that is not so…hurtful."

Kankuro was stunned. "Did – Did you just apologize to me?"

Baki looked up and met his eyes. "Would you accept me if I did?"

"I…I guess. I mean, yes. I know I would." Kankuro swallowed. "But did you?"

The hint of a smile twitched on Baki's lips and was gone. "I apologize. Kankuro, I apologize for riding your case too hard. I always do. It is me and not you. I have stress issues. I am trying to work them out. My bad behavior doesn't reflect on you. You are a model student."

"Were," Kankuro corrected, not sure why he was pushing.

Baki nodded. "Were. You are right. You are an adult now."

Kankuro felt the oddest feeling hit him in the chest and didn't know what it was. "Yeah. I am. I'm an adult now. And I can do whatever I want." He hardly heard what he was saying.

"You could always do whatever you want. I should never have stopped you."

All of a sudden, Kankuro knew he could confide in Baki. "I was actually feeling better about it, but this stupid a-hole Ichiro – down at the psych nin's office – he told me that I had to have sex with Gaara to start a family. I mean, so that Gaara could start a family later. So Gaara could have a wife. Like I'm just –" Kankuro chewed his lip. "Like I'm just dead weight or something. I come and go, but no one has to value me. It's like I'm a stand-in for whoever is actually supposed to be there. All the time. I feel that way, all the time."

Baki was surprised at the sudden change of topic, but then he nodded. "I understand, Kankuro. People have made you feel unneeded. Including me."

Kankuro swallowed. "Yeah. I can kinda see that now. How people never really treated me well for me – they never really treated me like a person. Temari does that sometimes, too. She didn't a couple weeks ago, but I don't know what to make of that. I mean, she doesn't always. But sometimes, she makes me feel really…" _Like I'm worthless._ "…rotten."

"I'm sorry, Kankuro," Baki said simply.

Kankuro shook his head. "It's not your fault. You just –" He stopped. _Wait. Is it Baki's fault?_ He re-examined his memories. At the same time, he was afraid to know the answer. He didn't want to blame somebody he'd just decided to open up to. Not someone who just apologized to him in a very real and courteous way. _That would be like…an immediate betrayal. _

"Temari has a temper and I never taught her to rein it in," Baki said. "I have a temper as well. That is why I couldn't. But it was my responsibility to make sure she is a levelheaded young woman, and I didn't. I didn't teach her anger control. She didn't learn that from your father, either."

"Father?" Kankuro laughed. "Yeah, no, Father had major anger issues. He always did. He taught us the best way to get what we want is to scream and yell – and be really powerful, of course."

Kankuro pondered that. "And I'm not really capable of screaming and yelling, and I'm not very powerful, either – I mean, I'm just a jonin – so I guess what he really taught me is that I'm never gonna get what I want. Or what I need, I guess is the more accurate thing to say. He taught me that to be like me, to be quiet and to not pick fights, to be really not powerful when it comes to shinobi talents, he has it so that I don't feel like I'm worth anything. I don't feel like I do a good job at anything because I'm always underpowered and it takes a lot of anger to keep me from being silent. I don't feel that angry that often. I get walked on. Instead of getting what I want, I get walked on."

Baki was silent for a long time, letting Kankuro mull over that revelation. He'd always wondered why he just got out of the way. _But that's what Father wanted me to do, isn't it? That's what Father believed in: the powerful and the angry always get what they want, even if they don't deserve it, and the meeker and the weaker always get the scraps. That's why he always pushed me so hard._

Kankuro's eyes widened. _He was trying to make me angry. He was trying to make me stick up for myself against Temari, to make me train harder so that I would get stronger faster, to try and get me to be…_ Kankuro swallowed. _Just like him. Because he thought that's where all the power lay. Being strong and angry. _

He suddenly realized how tragic it all was – his entire childhood. One big tragedy. _What a mess._ Kankuro winced. _A misguided father that doesn't see who his children are, who doesn't understand his sons can't work that way…I mean, Gaara, kind of, but that was because of Shukaku, not because of him. Father's technique worked on Shukaku, but Shukaku is a demon. I mean, he's a frickin' bijuu. That doesn't say very good things about Father's lifestyle. _

"You fear Gaara, because you believe he has the right to make decisions over you," Baki said. "You think that he is powerful, not simply physically but also in the social sense, and you think because of that he can take power away from you and take it for himself. You fear that if he did notice you sexually, it would result in rape."

Kankuro felt icy cold at Baki's words. _It's true_. He managed a nod. Suddenly, he realized that Baki was out of the loop. "A-And…he does. Baki-san, I already know this. He told me himself because he was trying to keep it in, and he failed. I noticed something was up."

Baki pursed his lips. "So what does he think about you?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure, really. I'm not sure I want to know." Kankuro hesitated.

"Does he think of you as a brother?" Baki asked.

"Yeah. Yes. I mean, I know that's true…" Kankuro felt confused.

"But then he also notices you as a person, too?" Baki frowned.

Kankuro had never thought of it that way. "I guess so. Yeah. He can see what everyone else sees, even if he is my brother. He notices why I'm attractive…I guess." Actually, he still wasn't sure. Gaara had never given him sexual compliments before. Only treated him with extra favor and affection.

"He's said that?" Baki asked, unknowingly following the trail of Kankuro's thoughts.

Kankuro shook his head, hesitating. "Well…no. He says he really loves me and wants me to be 'comfortable', and stuff. Stuff like you'd say to a…a…" Actually, he didn't know. Was that part of being a lover? Or was it more like an oddly expressed family bond?

"A sweetheart, or a wife," Baki said softly.

Kankuro blushed, and he didn't know why. "Hey. I'm nobody's wife, _jan_."

Baki raised an eyebrow. "Does he want you to be?"

"No," Kankuro said. "I don't think so." His gut instinct was that Gaara didn't, anyway. "He treats me like an equal."

Baki sighed. "Not all wives are unequal, Kankuro."

"Yeah, well, a lot of 'em are." Kankuro stuck up for his interpretation. "It's not a wife he's after. He's after me. And I don't know why."

Baki shrugged. "You must have made a favorable impression on him." He paused. "You are one hell of an older brother, Kankuro. Perhaps he merely worships you."

"No, but he says that he has sexual feelings for me as well," Kankuro protested. "He just didn't explain them." He bit his lip. "I kind of…didn't want him to. You know?" He looked into Baki's eyes, hoping his former teacher could understand.

Baki smiled dryly. "Right."

Kankuro let out his breath. He looked down at his hands. "So what do I do?"

"You have to consider the threat level," Baki said.

Kankuro's head snapped up. "So Gaara is a threat? What?"

Baki shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I meant that you have to assess whether he is or not. Objectively. Using evidence from around you."

"But that's not good enough!" Kankuro stood up, clenching his fists. "If I make one slip-up, I'll get raped."

"I don't think that's true," Baki said slowly.

Kankuro slowly sat back down, his heart hammering. "It's not?"

"Think about it: What kind of person is Gaara?" Baki narrowed his eyes, boring his gaze into Kankuro.

"Oh, so now you stick up for him," Kankuro said half-heartedly. He dimly realized he was trying to pick a fight to get out of his subject. He was sweating all over.

"I was concerned about the bijuu, not Gaara," Baki said. "I was always concerned with that damned sand spirit. It scared the hell out of me. To stick that thing in a little boy? Monstrous."

Kankuro's jaw dropped. _That's really how you feel?_ "What? What about…you know…all the things you said, about…about how Gaara was created for a purpose to…"

"I hedged my words out of respect for your father," Baki said. "Once Yondaime was dead, you notice that my praise of Gaara as the 'ultimate shinobi creation' stopped."

Kankuro sat for a moment in shock. Then he swallowed and nodded.

"I can't stand the way the villagers abused Gaara," Baki said. "It's cruel. It's thoughtless." He pursed his lips. "And now the younger generation loves him. The older ones…still hate him. They just hide it better now. Too many relatives of the drunks that Gaara used to kill, I suppose. Or members of ANBU upset by the slaughter of their comrades. In either case, none of that was Gaara's fault. No one asked Gaara to become a weapon. He was simply made to bear that weight."

"You've thought a lot about this," Kankuro said softly.

Baki was silent. Then he said, "Enough about me. This is about you and your problem with Gaara. You still perceive him as a threat."

Tears sprung to Kankuro's eyes as if he'd been accused. "I didn't, and then that psycho psych nin managed to say that Gaara wanted to explore his sexuality, and picked me to 'go along for the ride'. It was really crass and stuff. I was offended." Somehow, in spite of Ichiro not using any swear words, it had struck Kankuro as crass. He just realized that as he said it. "He doesn't understand Gaara at all. He says he does but he doesn't."

Kankuro felt spontaneously better. His heart jumped hopefully. "Then Gaara really could be telling the truth. He won't hurt me – no matter what he wants to gain from me. He could be alright. I could go home tonight without being afraid that he's going to rape me in my bed."

Baki patted Kankuro's shoulder and nodded. "I think you came to the right decision. I have been watching Gaara carefully, ever since he was a genin. He has truly changed, and has stayed that way. You have nothing to fear from him. In fact, judging by the things he has said to you lately, he is probably a sensitive soul. He would not want to hurt you for the world, Kankuro. I think you are safer with Gaara than without him – you need a strong person to believe in you."

"What about you?" Kankuro suddenly looked at Baki warily. "You apologized, but does this mean you're going to 'believe in me' and stuff?"

Baki sighed. "We still have a lot of wounds to heal. But I will try, Kankuro. I will try not to become so annoyed and irritable during times of stress. I will try not to take it out on you anymore. I don't want to. I've been trying to fix that ever since I noticed a problem with my teaching style sixteen years ago."

_Then it sounds like you haven't made a whole lot of progress_. Kankuro frowned to himself and stood up. "Thanks, _jan_. I appreciate the effort." But really, what good could effort do if you failed all the time? Kankuro didn't know the answer to that question. Nothing, he felt like. But at the same time, he knew that wasn't precisely fair – to himself or anyone else.

Kankuro walked to the door and waved. "Well, I'm gonna go back to work. Got a couple missions to run before the day ends if I remember right."

"Good luck, Kankuro." Baki nodded solemnly.

Kankuro wondered which part Baki was blessing – a relationship with Gaara, or a successful day of work? Kankuro left the house, closing the door behind him, and started the trek back to the Kazekage Complex, walking down the street with his head down. Knowing Baki, his teacher had simply meant to wish him luck on his missions.

_But I do want someone to wish me luck on my success at building a relationship with Gaara,_ Kankuro thought. _And Baki didn't say it was hopeless._ His eyes widened. _And he didn't say it was incest. Holy shit, he didn't judge me._

Kankuro felt a swelling of emotion in his chest and realized that he felt better about Baki after all.

Simultaneously, a decision had been made: he would pursue Gaara like Gaara wanted to be pursued. If he could only figure out how that was supposed to be.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hours**

Chapter 16

* * *

><p>Kankuro managed to get through the rest of the day without giving himself away or being cornered by Gaara about the residual redness in his eyes from crying.<p>

In spite of the talk he'd had with Baki, the idea of going home made him jittery. Especially since Temari would be there. _God, it's like I have to choose between them. If I accept Gaara, then I'm turning my back on Temari. If I don't, there's no way I'll feel safe unless Temari is by my side. _

Kankuro ducked into the Kazekage Complex bathroom – one of them, at least, a building so huge had to have multiple bathrooms to process everyone – and gripped the sink, trying not to hyperventilate. _God, why can't we just have a family?_

He'd never imagined that he might have to choose between his siblings. _Even if Gaara's not crazy, even if he doesn't hurt me, I still have to hide everything we do from Temari, and that pushes her out. _It didn't matter that he'd wanted her out sometimes. What he really wanted was for her to be in his family and to not hurt him anymore.

Facing himself in the mirror, he finally realized that's what he'd always wanted: a normal family. _And everything that's ever happened has ripped that away from me. _

Kankuro steeled himself and went home.

On the short walk from the complex to the mansion, he rehearsed to himself, muttering inside his head. _'Okay, Temari, you're right. I'm gay. I'm very, very gay. I have a gay friend now, and I want to date him, but this has to utterly be a secret, or else I'm going to kill you.'_ Somehow, he had to share his feelings with his neesan, even if it wasn't wise. He desperately wanted to take the advice she'd given two weeks ago as a peace offering. _And this is my family. I don't wanna be alone._

If he could just somehow keep Gaara, keep their brotherhood and make a new relationship on top of it, and keep Temari, even if it meant she never figured out precisely who he was dating, then he could have a family. If he included them both just enough without ever crossing them, then he could hold things together. And Temari was going to be in Konoha in six months. That would be easier. He could plan around her visits and make sure he never gave himself away.

_Now I just have to convince her to mind her own business and convince Gaara that I'm done freaking out about his feelings. _

Abruptly, Kankuro realized that he was treating a sexualized relationship with Gaara like a reality. He stopped in his tracks. _Whoa. I know I said I would pursue this, but not so fast. I wanna kinda build up to it. I can't do this yet. I can't do this without knowing how Gaara really feels. I don't know what he imagined._ Oddly, his biggest concern was suddenly that Gaara was going to leave, after he put himself out there and actually said yes. That was a huge jump from a few hours ago, when Kankuro had been afraid he couldn't get away.

* * *

><p>When Kankuro walked into the kitchen, Gaara was the only one in it.<p>

"Where's Temari?" Kankuro asked.

"Hmm?" Gaara looked at him curiously. "She's visiting her friend. Masako?"

Kankuro shook his head. "News to me. She's got so many of 'em – but all they do is go to the movies and, like, go rock climbing and stuff. I can never keep them straight."

"Well, she has the day off tomorrow, so she thinks 'it's cool' to go cave exploring with them," Gaara said.

"Them?" Kankuro raised an eyebrow.

"Masako and her brother," Gaara said.

Kankuro scowled. _This was not the time for Temari to decide to be flighty. I need to talk, damnit! _"What're they doing?" His voice came out a monotone. He completely glossed over the fact that Gaara had just told him. He already couldn't remember. He was too upset.

"I just know what she relayed to me before saying she wouldn't be at dinner and wouldn't be home until tomorrow," Gaara said. "Is there something wrong with Masako and her brother?"

Kankuro crossed his arms. "Yeah, they're not 'Kankuro and Gaara'. I've told her before, I hate it when she begs off like this. It's like we don't even matter."

Gaara looked at him with concern.

Kankuro spread his hands. "It's important to me that we spend dinner together every night. I told her it's okay to do whatever if you at least eat with us –" He curled his hands into fists. "But she clearly doesn't care!" Being pushed away again stung so bad he almost did wish she would leave forever. _Just once, why can't she leave because I told her to? If I could just get it off my chest I could stop feeling this way. If I just felt like I had any control whatsoever, maybe we could sit down and talk things out_. Kankuro swallowed.

"You've been crying already today," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro smirked. "Yeah, that's me, _jan_. Crybaby Kankuro."

"I didn't say that."

Kankuro attempted to breeze past him. "Well, let's make dinner."

Gaara caught his arm and held on. "Dinner can wait."

"What's so important?" Kankuro asked, his manner drained of any expression.

"You are," Gaara said quietly.

Kankuro knew that his face went slack. _Oh, Gaara, how I wish I could believe you. I have no reason not to…and yet… _If he really screwed up this time, it would be over. He found himself biting his lip, and knew that was answer enough for Gaara. _Damn it, I gave myself away. This stupid lip-biting habit._ Whenever his anxiety was more than he could hold in, the first thing he did was bite his lip. Most of the time, he didn't even know he was doing it.

Gaara gently took his hands and led him into the living room. Kankuro allowed it, feeling like not much more than a puppet. _What am I really…except a person who lets everyone put their expectations on him?_

They sat side by side on the sofa in silence. Kankuro slowly curled his hands into fists, resting them on the tops of his thighs. _When will I matter? When will I really matter?_

"I don't wanna be disposable," Kankuro burst out suddenly.

Gaara looked stunned.

"If you had just been up front – if you had just said you wanted me – " Kankuro's breath hitched. He shook his head fiercely. "If someone ever had wanted me for me, wanted me for real, not said that I was just a joke or a copy or a worker or a replacement or a nobody – if I ever knew that somebody wanted me just for the sake of being with me, I would've listened!" He squeezed his eyes shut. Tears trickled out and ran down his cheeks. He couldn't get the words out without sobbing. "I just didn't want a gimmick!"

Gaara, startled, looked at Kankuro for a moment with his mouth open and then quickly wrapped his arms around his brother. "N-Niisan, it's not a gimmick. I really love you. I really want you to do sexual things with me and to be happy. I wished for that. I know I can't get all of it, that it's not what you want, but I can accept that. I won't hurt you or leave you because of that. Doing sexual things is your choice. If you don't want to then I won't. I promise."

"Don't talk for a minute and just listen." Kankuro could hardly talk. He didn't have the strength to think of a nice way to get Gaara to stop talking. He was shaking and his breath kept getting caught in his chest. "I'm okay having a relationship with you, as long as it's real. As long as you don't replace me. As long as you don't really want someone else – care about someone else – love someone else!" Kankuro jerked out of Gaara's grasp, needing to burn the force of his feelings into Gaara with his eyes. "I want you to love me for me!" He pounded his fist against his chest. "I want everyone to love me for me! Stop treating me like a replacement, god damn it!" Kankuro scrubbed his cheeks with his knuckles. "That's what I wanna say to everybody. I'm me. Deal with it. Treat me for myself or get out."

"You're not a replacement." Gaara's voice was soft. "You're my niisan and my wonderful person. I don't want to replace you with anybody. I want to spend time with you and be with you because you're special to me."

Kankuro collapsed onto Gaara and clung to his brother, trembling. _I wish I could say the same. Why can't I say the same? I feel it._ But people he declared special always left. They always realized they were…too good for him. "You don't need me. You're just saying that because you think you can't do better. And when I convince you that you're a great human being after all, you're gonna leave me." Isn't that what always happened with his friends? He could make them, but never keep them. All the people he'd ever attracted to him as friends were insecure, wounded people. When he nursed their self-esteem back to health, they didn't need him anymore. _I'm not a clinic, I'm a person._

He pulled back and looked into Gaara's eyes. "You're not my replacement girlfriend. You're Gaara. But I'm just your replacement whatever. I'm just going to teach you how to have sex, and then you're going to find some girl who squeals all over you and make babies."

Gaara stared at Kankuro. His hairless eyebrows slowly raised. "Who said this to you?"

Kankuro looked away.

"They're wrong," Gaara said flatly. "If they had talked to me, they would know that. Niisan, I don't want girls. I don't like them. If I were still as thoughtless about human life, I would have killed them. I don't like their attention. These feelings used to mean death for the people around me. I can't do that – I can't possibly disregard their devotion – but if I were allowed to say the truth I would tell them it leaves me cold." He paused. "I'm not supposed to do that. Support is support. Kazekages need public support." He sighed. "It's been explained to me several times that these…'fan' girls are a good thing."

Kankuro snorted. "Don't sound so displeased. I'd kill for a few fangirls."

Gaara tilted his head. "Does this mean you're not attracted to me?"

Kankuro smacked his forehead. "No, you're not supposed to be attracted to them. They're attracted to you. It's a one-way attraction. It makes you feel good about yourself. Supposedly. I've never tried it."

"It doesn't make me feel good about myself," Gaara said, deadpan.

"Oh." Kankuro paused to absorb that. "Okay. I guess I see your point, then. Other than that, they're annoying."

"Their behavior makes me work very hard to treat them as human," Gaara said.

Kankuro winced, and then laughed. "Okay, I guess that's why someone's talked to you before about keeping your mouth shut on this topic. That was way harsh. Don't ever say that to them."

"I won't." Gaara looked puzzled. "Why are you changing the subject off of yourself?"

"I'm talking," Kankuro protested. "I didn't change the subject on purpose. It just happened. It happens all the time when I talk. The conversation just goes wherever." He shrugged. "We'll get back to it."

"And you'll tell me the name of the person who told you that I couldn't be interested in you because I just wanted sex," Gaara said. "If it was Baki, then I'll have to consider killing him. I can't allow anyone to say such slanderous things about me. It's personal. Especially when a former sensei says it." He narrowed his eyes.

Kankuro's eyes widened. "Baki? God, no! Baki defended you."

Gaara blinked, looking confused. "He did that?"

"Yeah." Kankuro nodded.

Gaara's shoulders relaxed. He smiled.

"I know!" Kankuro grinned. "Shocked the hell out of me, too! He really defended all of us. Not quite. Sort of. I was talking to him earlier today, and he said you couldn't possibly use me for sex." _Well, he kind of said you couldn't rape me, but that's the same thing, right?_

Gaara looked at him with wide eyes. "You told him?"

Kankuro froze.

Gaara trembled slightly. "I can't believe he would defend me. Wouldn't he be angry?"

"He didn't mention incest at all, ototo," Kankuro said flatly. "I discussed it right in front of him and he didn't twitch."

"Odd…" Gaara looked uncomfortable. "I thought he was a traditionalist."

"Yeah, but it's not like we ever talked to him much," Kankuro pointed out.

"Oh…" Gaara shifted. "True." He frowned. "This means he's a different person."

Kankuro sighed. "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I forgot how uncomfortable it makes you when people show hidden sides."

"I can't help it," Gaara said.

Kankuro rubbed Gaara's arm. "I know. You've stated before it's because Yashamaru went crazy on you. I understand. I mean, I'd be leery too if I knew people could spontaneously go bonkers on me." He paused. _I kind of do know that. That's why people scare me. _He redirected himself. "But – ah – the point is, I'm not gonna be in this relationship with you if it's temporary. I don't care if it's boyfriend/girlfriend or sex partner or what. I mean, I do, but the answer is no whatever it is because I'm not interested in a temporary relationship."

Gaara hugged Kankuro. "I don't want temporary things." He nestled his head under Kankuro's chin. "Don't leave me alone."

Kankuro stroked Gaara's back. _Shit, I forgot. Ichiro's words really were stupid. Gaara couldn't leave somebody if he tried. The idea of people leaving scares him. He would never leave another person as long as they were nice to him – and probably not if they weren't. _He mentally rolled his eyes. _Attachment issues my ass. Gaara's attachment is fine. It's separation issues he struggles with. And if Gaara doesn't hurt me, we don't have a problem. _

"Niisan, I love you." Gaara's voice was thin with anxiety. "I want to stay with you forever. Please say you won't leave me."

Kankuro pulled Gaara into his lap and swiveled, falling back on the sofa cushions. Gaara landed on top of him. He wrapped his arms around Gaara and clutched his brother to his chest. "I'm not leavin'. I love you. I'm not gonna let anyone else take you, so prepare for me to be possessive."

Gaara buried his face against Kankuro's chest.

Kankuro stroked Gaara's hair. "Sheesh. What a stupid thing to do to somebody. Seriously. You call yourself a psych nin? You call that a session? I call it malpractice."

"You went to see a psych nin? Is that who told you not to see me?"

Kankuro sighed. "Right, but he told me to start something with you, for all the wrong reasons. He treated me like a piece of crap. He said I oughtta be your sex ed teacher and then leave you so you could start a family."

"Why won't people leave me alone? I have a family. I don't want any children. I don't want any wives. I want Kankuro. In a different way, I want Temari, but only if she behaves. I need Kankuro. Want Kankuro."

Kankuro didn't expect Gaara to get so upset. Gaara usually didn't sound this much like a little kid. He rubbed Gaara's back. "I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to make you feel like I was leaving. I'm not leaving or anything. No one's gonna take me away from you. I just…was trying to tell you what he said. Ichiro. He's kind of a psych nin. He's not a very good one, I guess, because he got it all wrong and jumped to a bunch of conclusions, but he's certified. I guess he's their walk-in hours guy. I went there today. Baki said to. He was trying to help – Baki, I mean – but he didn't know I was going to see such an asshole. Baki goes to therapy himself –" Kankuro bit his lip. _Is that confidential? I don't know. He didn't treat it like that._

Gaara sniffled. "I know. I'm the one that gets the psych reports."

Kankuro felt stupid. "Of course. Right."

"It's about keeping me informed so I can…make the right decisions about who to send on missions. If I flag a mission that is dangerous for them psychologically, the psych nin sends me a message and then meets with me to discuss the client's vulnerability."

"I didn't know that," Kankuro admitted.

"That's why it's tough when people refuse to visit psych nins," Gaara said quietly. "I send them on dangerous missions never knowing it's the wrong thing."

"Shinobi are tough." Kankuro shrugged.

"If I was sent to assassinate a couple of brothers, I couldn't do it."

Kankuro flinched. "Okay. I see your point. That would be too close. Too close to home."

"Exactly," Gaara said.

"What makes us screwed up, though?" Kankuro looked at the ceiling. "Why do I like you like this?"

"Like…this?" Gaara's voice was tiny.

"Like a – like a…" Kankuro sighed. "A – a friend. No, I mean, like a boyfriend. A lover." He braced himself, squeezing his eyes shut.

"I don't know." Gaara snuggled up against him. "I just know it's true. There's nothing wrong with loving you. I mean, there is, but I don't feel like that internally. I know how we'd be slaughtered if this were public, but I don't feel any condemnation from inside. Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah." Kankuro sighed. "My biggest concern is when people find out. Cause you can never hide anything indefinitely."

"We could try really hard," Gaara suggested.

Kankuro snorted. "Naïve." But he said the word affectionately.

"Do…Do you like it that I'm naïve?"

"Sometimes," Kankuro admitted. He found himself blushing. "It makes me feel like more of an older brother." He added quickly, "But you don't have to pretend. That's not the same. I'd know, and it wouldn't turn me on as much." He bit his lip. _Where did that come from? Does this mean that the entire time he's been saying or doing these little things, he's actually…sexually aroused me? _Kankuro swallowed. _How can I claim to be an older brother if that happens? That's not brotherly. At all. _

Gaara lifted his head and looked at Kankuro with wide eyes.

"Ah…You know…" Kankuro didn't know what to say. He stared back.

"Naiveté turns you on?" Gaara asked. "Why?"

"I dunno!" Kankuro wished he could back up and start this conversation over again. _It came out wrong. And it's my fault._

"I didn't mean to judge you," Gaara said.

"But you did." _Shit. No. Why did I say that?_

Gaara looked at him for a moment. "I'm sorry."

"I just – I'm not ready for this stuff!" Kankuro shot to his feet. _Where am I gonna run to? Seriously, I can't run every time there's a problem. _

Gaara stood up, facing him. "Sexual things? That's okay. Me neither."

All the fight or flight response drained from Kankuro's body. "What?"

Gaara frowned faintly. "They're just fantasies."

Kankuro felt stupid. _Of course. You've never had sex before. You've never even kissed before. You can't be ready for all that stuff. In fact, you probably find it all more intimidating than I do._ "Right. Of course." He let out a slightly hysterical laugh. "What was I thinking of?"

Gaara shook his head and shrugged, confused.

"Was I thinking you were some kind of sexually experienced monster who would just rape me if I said no?" Kankuro realized dimly he was babbling. "You don't even know what sex is! You couldn't rape anyone if you tried." He laughed again. "What a ridiculous, stupid idea." Kankuro slapped himself in the forehead. _Okay, snap out of it, you're scaring him._

"Rape?" Gaara asked in a tiny voice.

Kankuro found himself looking at the floor. "Yeah. I've been afraid of getting raped ever since I was a little kid. Like, eleven or something. When I hit puberty."

"Oh…" Gaara gently took his arm and guided him to sit down on the sofa again.

Kankuro sat down, feeling numb and overwhelmed. "It all goes back to that, doesn't it? I'm afraid of getting raped."

Gaara sat down beside him and carefully put an arm around him.

Kankuro stared at the coffee table. "Being helpless. Being out of control. It's all about the same thing. When I don't feel safe with somebody, whether I know them or not, I start to get afraid I'm going to be raped. It doesn't matter whether it's boys or girls."

Gaara was looking at him with that wide-eyed stare, still.

Kankuro smirked, but the expression was empty. "Girls, too." He shook his head. "What an idiot I am. Guys have the equipment. Girls? What are they gonna do? Get a bottle?"

He glanced at his brother. As far as he could tell, Gaara couldn't even understand the reference. He looked away.

Kankuro's brow furrowed. He felt guilty for burdening Gaara with all this information, but he could tell that the only way he could feel better would be to let it out. "I saw somebody get raped."

Gaara looked at him with concern.

"I don't think I knew that's what it was at the time, but then, I knew. One day, after a while, I knew. Suddenly, I knew: I'd watched someone get raped." Kankuro felt sick to his stomach. "I was just…" He shook his head slowly.

Gaara squeezed his hand.

He looked up and smiled at Gaara wanly. "I was over at a friend's house, and I wasn't supposed to be there yet, and they always let me let myself in, so I did. And then I couldn't find anybody, even though I knew they ought to be home. His dad had the day off from work, and he said he was just going to be doing homework before I got there so the sooner I arrived the better. I was like…eight? So I thought: I'd really help my friend out if I arrived early so he didn't have to do his homework. I thought that was a great plan. It was Sunday – cause we all had the day off. From school, work."

Kankuro realized he was taking a winding path through his story and didn't try to straighten himself out. It was traumatic enough as it was.

"His dad was going to take us to the park or something. I don't remember. I just know that when I got there, no one was there. I mean, no one was in the living room. Akio's mom was in the kitchen, but I don't really count her because she never talked to me or anything. So I went around the back of the house, looking for people."

Kankuro remembered his frustration. "Cause I knew they had to be home. Akio should've been doing his homework in the living room, but he wasn't. So I searched for them. And he wasn't in his room, either. And then I heard a noise from his parents' room. And there they were. Just –" Kankuro waved his hand vaguely. He had been so overwhelmed he wasn't sure his impression was describable. Even now, the flashes of movement in his memory, the shifting of bodies and clothing, had an oddly blurred quality.

"They weren't in the bed or anything," Kankuro whispered. "It wasn't like that. It didn't look like that."

Gaara pulled Kankuro into his arms and stroked Kankuro's hair.

Suddenly, Kankuro felt tears stinging his eyes. "I thought Akio was hurt. That's honestly what I thought. I thought he was hurt, and his dad was checking on him somehow. Something was weird, but I couldn't handle it. I stared at them for like…three whole minutes before they noticed I was there. At one point I even thought Akio's dad might be punishing him – spanking him like Father used to do to us. But his hands weren't moving." Kankuro's stomach contracted without warning. He almost threw up. Just as quickly, his stomach unclenched, and he was fine. "And I just…I made a sound. Because I was afraid Akio was getting punished. And they turned around…and his father had this look on his face, like…" Kankuro squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to cry. "Like, I don't know! Like, like a wild animal or something, _jan_. His face was all red and he was angry and his eyes were all flashing, and stuff. He was breathing real heavy, and he didn't look pleased to see me. Not at all. Not at all." He shook his head.

His voice was wavering. "I said, 'Is Akio hurt?' And Akio started crying. And that's when I noticed his pants were down. And then Akio's dad chased me out of the house. We didn't get to go to the park or anything. I had to go home. I had to go home, and I hid. I went underneath my covers and I hid, and no one could get me out for four hours."

Kankuro burst out crying. "And Akio was always saying how it hurt to sit down! He always said that – and he made me go to the bathroom with him every time he had to pee because he didn't want to be in there by himself. He was scared of his dad, I just know it. I know it. He couldn't use the bathroom by himself because he thought is dad was going to see – and – they would –"

Kankuro sobbed and held on to Gaara with all of his might. "Cause he was raping him! Cause his dad was raping him! And he couldn't sit down! Cause it hurt too bad. I don't want that to happen to me, Gaara, I don't want that to happen. I don't wanna be hurt. I don't wanna not be able to sit down the next day. And I can't – can't get over it. I can't be hurt. I don't wanna." He cried.

Gaara let him cry for a few minutes without speaking. Then he said softly, "You felt sympathy for your friend."

Kankuro yanked himself away and grabbed tissues out of the tissue box on the coffee table. He blew his nose hurriedly. "Akio was a bully, _jan_. But I loved him anyway. At least well enough to care if he got hurt. So, yeah, man, of course I did. Of course I cared that his dad was doing unspeakable things to him. I just couldn't make them stop. I tried telling Father, but he didn't understand me. Cause I didn't understand myself. I just saw Akio's dad hurting him. And Father said it was none of our business."

Just the memory of trying to talk to their father caused a fresh burst of tears. Kankuro scrubbed his face with a tissue. "None of our business! This was my friend, here! And what does Father do? Forbids me to see him ever again! I can't understand it! Why couldn't I help him? God, I'm such a failure."

"You were a child," Gaara said. "None of us had any control."

"What's different now?" Kankuro said bitterly.

"Because you're with me now," Gaara said. "And you're grown up. I'm the Kazekage, and you're a jonin, and together, we'll be okay. I know this. I feel this, niisan. In here." He touched his chest over his heart. "Because I won't let you get hurt, and I certainly won't do it. I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure that you're safe. Because you're my niisan and I love you."

Kankuro tried to absorb that answer. "Yeah, you're right, jan. I love you too."

Gaara studied him. "You don't sound convinced."

Kankuro sighed. "I'm convinced you're my brother, and I'm convinced that I love you. Those things were never in question. It's my safety that's in question."

"I'll work really hard," Gaara said.

Kankuro snorted and shook his head. "It's not something you work hard at. I know that's your solution for most things, but you either are a safe person for me to be with, or you're not. And I'm gonna find out which one."

Gaara's eyes widened. "You are?"

"I'm giving you a chance," Kankuro said. "It's 50/50." He knew that didn't sound gracious, but it was the best he could do.

"The best you can do is good enough," Gaara said quietly. He looked into Kankuro's eyes with solemn sincerity and rubbed Kankuro's arm.

Kankuro was tentatively convinced this wouldn't be an automatic disaster.


End file.
